Epilogue Teaser

A Dose Of Reality

Dr. Isabella Swan


"Forty-five year old male... no signs of cardiac distress... reason for visit..."


I sighed loudly as I poured through the charts from the last 12 hours. I was going on twenty-six hours now, and no amount of caffeine was helping me stay awake.


"Twenty-five year old female... presented with severe abdominal pain... ruled out appendicitis, ectopic pregnancy... diagnosis... gas."


I yawned loudly and rubbed my temples in an effort to keep my head from throbbing.


It seemed like a lost cause at that point. If I didn't get up and move soon I was going to crash – hard.


The loud buzz of my pager startled me. I quickly pulled the damn thing out of its holder and looked at the screen.


Twenty-seven yr. old male admitted due to severe pain. Need you ASAP.


"Finally," I murmured, relieved. As tired as I was, I knew being up and walking around would help.


Walking out to the main desk in the ER, a nurse handed me the patient's pre-admitting information. I read through it quickly, ascertaining that he was a relativity healthy male who was suffering considerable pain in his groin area.


I rolled my eyes instead of snorting, which was what I was tempted to do. He had probably been kicked in the junk... typical male.


Anything that affects the jewels is a life-or-death situation.


Knocking quietly on the door, I continued to read through the patient's history. I heard a "We're ready for you Doc-" from the other side.


"James," I chuckled when I heard his voice. His tone told me this would be an interesting case.


I opened the door and thanked James, noting the way he was sporting the wickedest smile I had ever seen.


Well, this has got to be good.


Two men were seated in the chairs beside the patient. A woman would have to be blind not to notice the level of attractiveness now sitting in my exam room. I just never realized how many types of attractive there were.


They're like night and day.


One was tall, blond, and lanky. The other was tall but burly, with curly brown hair and dimples to match.


I turned toward the third man, who I assumed was the patient. He was the one lying on the bed, so if he wasn't then I obviously needed to go home and get some sleep.


I looked him over, trying to assess his physical appearance... Damn, he was one handsome guy.


If I weren't so tired I'd be drooling, instead I just stared like a zombie, unable to pull my eyes from the pretty man in the bed.


I can say pretty, right?


I guess I stared too long, because both friends of the patient erupted in laughter.


What the hell? I looked at them, confused.


I couldn't imagine what was funny about their friend being in the ER. I turned back to the man on the bed, he was bright red and glaring furiously at the two.


"Edward Masen?" I asked loudly, trying to get his attention.


"Um... yeah," he answered reluctantly. His arm was draped protectively across his lap, and I bit back a chuckle.


Men.


Holding out my hand, I introduced myself. "My name is Dr. Isabella Swan..."


"Hey, um, no offense but is there a male doctor I can see?" He turned away from his friends to look at me.


My momentary fascination with Edward's stunning appearance was quelled after a few seconds. I huffed in annoyance at his arrogance. This wasn't the first time I had been dismissed as a doctor because of my gender.


Fucking Asshole.


"I'm afraid I'm the only doctor available right now," I said coldly.


"Oh... okay," he mumbled.


I was still annoyed by Edward's comment but decided to drop it


Perhaps I'll give James full reign over his tests. That'll brighten his day.


"It says here you came in because you are experiencing intense pain in your groin? Would you care to elaborate on that? Was there an injury to the area?"


The two men seated had been relatively quiet, except for the occasional snicker. Unable to hold back any longer they bowled over, laughing loudly.


Annoyed and tired, I lost it. "Excuse me," I snapped. "What are your names?" I demanded.


"Emmett and Jasper, ma'am," the blond one responded, suddenly serious.


Narrowing my eyes at them, I silently snickered when the two men shrunk back in fear.


That's right, boys, I mean business.


"I am sure you know this is a hospital, right?" They both nodded. "And there are people here who are very ill and suffering. Do you think it would be within your ability to give them the peace they deserve to heal?" Both nodded again. "Perfect, then we understand each other." I smiled.


"Okay, so where were we? Ah yes, why are you here?"


Edward looked away, and his cheeks went pinker than a plastic flamingo stuck in a trailer park lawn. "It won't go down," he mumbled.


"Pardon?"


He let out a loud exasperated breath. "It won't go down."


Um... I arched my eyebrow.


"What exactly won't go down?"


He waved his hand over his groin in annoyance.


Oh, please, no.


My fears were confirmed when Emmett covered his mouth, attempting to stop laughing. He sounded like a choking goat.


I glared at him at him until he finally stopped. "Well, I need to take a look," I said in a brave voice. It was quite unfortunate that inside I was trying to run away like a coward, screaming.


No way am I going there, bitch!


He looked at me with an expression that jumped between pain and total shock. Something to the effect of 'you are out of your damn mind lady.'


"If it would make you feel more comfortable, I could ask James to come back in while I examine you," I offered.


His second look was even better. I imagined this time it was a 'no way in hell,' look.


"Okay, no to James then." I set down the chart and washed my hands in the sink. Once I dried them, I grabbed a set of gloves and put them on. "Alright, let's see this little problem."


Emmett and Jasper snickered.


"Little?" Edward challenged.


Ignoring him, I pulled back the sheet to get a look at what I was dealing with.


Holy Mother of... That is the biggest… reddest… I don't think I could even wrap my hand around that thing.


Dropping the sheet, my head snapped up to look at Edward as I pointed at his, um… protrusion. "How long has it been like this?"


"Erm..." he rubbed the back of his neck and tried to look away. "About sixteen hours?"


"Sixteen hours!" I shouted. "You're lucky you still have a penis!"


"What...?" he stuttered. "You think it could fall off?"


"No way..." Emmett added in a whisper.


"Damn it, Emmett, this is all your fault," he shot at his friend.


I sighed.


Gay. Figures. All the good looking ones are.


I ran through all the possibilities that would cause such an abnormal reaction.


"Have you taken any Viagra recently?"


"No," he scoffed, clearly offended.


"Drugs? Alcohol?"


"No and no."


I looked at his friends from the corner of my eye. They were looking at him with what I could only guess were apologetic faces.


I am too damn tired for this shit. Attractive or not, Mr. Erection and crew are really getting on my nerves.


"Well then, Mr. Masen. I'll just have James come in and draw some blood. A full board of tests should show us what, exactly, is in your blood. And hopefully, we will be able to figure out what's going on." I smiled at him as I removed my gloves and pushed the button for James.


He walked through the door carrying his phlebotomy kit and whistling something way too cheery, considering what he was about to do.


"James, I'd like a full panel, along with a tox screen, please. Start him on 5 mils of Terbutaline, and could you get a couple of ice packs?"


"Sure thing, Doc," he said, grinning.


I shook my head at him, but smiled.


Cheeky bastard.


"Mr. Masen, I'll be back as soon as I have those results. In the mean time try to relax, it'll help the... blood flow."

~I~I~I~

Edward


Shit… Shit… Shit.


I needed to fix this now.


Okay, come on, Edward. Think man. Think about anything that will help deflate this situation.


Aunt Carmen… nope.


Uncle Eleazar… nope.


Uncle Aro… In nothing but his stocking suspenders?


Motherfucker… that's just wrong.


I looked down and absolutely no change! Not a single bit of difference.Uncle Aro clothed should have been enough, damn it!


Giving up, I threw my head back on the bed, covering my eyes with my free arm.


"I'll be needing that arm, unless you want to give me the one protecting the problem." James the demented whistling nurse, smiled brightly.


Bastard thought this was funny.


I handed him my arm, and he went about poking me for veins, whistling.


Scratch that… add annoying to the bastard.


"Emmett, you are a fucking asshole. I don't know if I'm ever going to forgive you, dude."


"Oh come on! The doctor was impressed. You could tell she couldn't drop that sheet fast enough."


"Shut the hell up, it probably scarred her for life."


The nurse just kept on prodding and whistling, as if we weren't in the room. If he wasn't careful I'd let all my frustration out on him, using every expletive I knew. He had to know his happy 'zippity doo da' attitude was not appreciated.


What did I do to deserve this? Not only was I faced with the reality off my dick falling off, but my doctor… She just had to be gorgeous and completely my type. If I didn't already have a giant, painful hard on, I would after just a quick glance at her.


Now she thought I was a loser with a circus-freak dick.


"Think of it this way, Edward," Jasper drawled. "If you make it through this, you'll have already gotten to know each other well enough you could ask her out."


Don't think I didn't miss the 'if' part of that statement.


"Yeah!" Emmett chimed in. "She knows you've got staying power."


"Shut the fuck up! This isn't funny. If you were in my place would you being laughing, asshole?" I asked testily.


"I think you pissed her off when you asked for a male doctor. Like she wasn't good enough or something." Jasper added.


"Ouch!" I screamed, when James pulled the rubber band too tight around my arm.


"Sorry," he apologized, before he went back to whistling. Jackass.


Although I was sure Isabella was a capable doctor, I did not want to suffer the embarrassment of…


A: a female knowing my problem, and B: A gorgeous female at that.


I wanted nothing more than for the bed to swallow me up, letting me and my beet-colored cock disappear.


"I just want them to give me something to fix this and get the hell outta here. I've been humiliated enough for a life time."


James snickered before pricking my skin with the needle.


Son of a bitch! That really hurt.


"Thanks for the warning," I muttered.


"You're welcome," he said happily, as he went back to filling the vials.


"So what do you think caused it?" Jasper asked.


I honestly had no clue. I hadn't had sex in months. So when she asked if I had taken Viagra, it was almost laughable. Shit, even if I was in the game I wouldn't need something like that to get it up.


"No clue, Jasper."


"I think he whacked off one to many times." Emmett offered, laughing.


"I'm going to ignore you two now. I'm suppose to be relaxing remember?"


"Okay, all done." The nurse packed up his stuff. "You did good, took it like a champ. I'll be back with the ice packs in a minute." He smiled and whistled as he left the room.


I hate that guy.

~I~I~I~

Dr. Isabella Swan


"Doctor Swan?"


I looked up from the computer as Jacob from the lab shoved a paper in the direction of my face.


"Thanks for rushing that, Jacob."


"No problem." He smiled. "Hey, is it true about the guy? That his um… thing is going to explode?"


I stared at him, thinking he had lost his mind. "Seriously?"


He looked sheepish for a moment. "Well, that's what I heard."


"You know I can't discuss that with you. But, no, its not going to 'blow up'."


"That's cool. It'd totally suck for him if it did." He smiled and walked away.


I looked at the lab results. He had elevated levels of ibuprofen and… sildenafil citrate.


I looked it over twice, and even a third, to make sure I was reading it correctly.


That son of a bitch lied to me.


There was nothing I hated more than patients lying to me. Not only did it make it harder to correctly diagnose someone, but it put their lives at risk. I never understood why people would jeopardize themselves, not to mention my career when they came back and tried to sue me for negligence.


With this information, and the research I had done, I was fairly confident of my diagnosis. I called my superior and relayed the information to him, noting his tone as he told me he agreed with my findings. He gave me the green light to begin treatment.


I knocked, but didn't wait for an answer before walking through the exam room door. I was fired up about being lied to, and the fact that the arrogant man on the other side thought he could get something over on me because I was a woman only fueled the flames.


"Well, Mr. Masen, I feel that I have a pretty good idea about what is going on. But first I'm curious about a comment you made earlier referring to your friend Emmett. You stated that it was his fault. Would you care to elaborate?"


He reddened and looked like he wanted to refuse.


"Please understand me, Mr. Masen. I can only do so much. The health of your penis depends entirely on you being honest with me." I looked at him as seriously as I could.


He sighed, "Emmett was only trying to make it better. He…"


I gulped not sure I wanted to hear this or not.


Damn him for being so hot.


"He recommended that I… masturbate to get rid of it."


"Oh." That was not what I expected. "How many times did you masturbate?"


"What!" he choked.


"I said, how many times did you try and masturbate to fix your problem? Did you notice a difference?"


"Um… no." he paused for a moment. "It actually got worse."


"I see. By worse you mean chaffing? Redness? Additional swelling?"


He scoffed, "Sure, among other things. Like pain, discomfort and just a slight fear that my penis will fall off."


"Point taken. Mr. Masen, I believe you have a rare condition know as Priapism. It's not unusual, but..."


"Wait I know about this, I learned about it in my classical studies class." Jasper interrupted us, Edward rolled his eyes, and I rubbed my temples.


"What does Greece have to do with my dick, Jasper?"


"It's your condition, stupid. Its name is derived from a satyr who was cursed with a giant wooden cock."


Emmett looked at Edward, and then back to Jasper. "No way. This just keeps getting better and better!"


Edward looked angry. In fact, I was pretty sure if he could have managed to jump off the bed and strangle his two friends, he would have. Sadly, he would have probably hurt his dick even more than he already had.


"So you're saying I look like some kind of weird goat man? Thanks, Jasper," he said sourly.


"Goat man. Hahahaha," laughed Emmett.


"Shut up, Emmett!" Edward yelled.


This was probably the weirdest experience I had ever had. I looked over at James, who was trying hard, and for the most part failing, not to laugh.


Jasper continued with his explanation. "The satyr was cursed with a huge cock and chased a nymph named Liota, he was about to have her when an ass scared him by braying. He lost his erection and the nymph ran away. Apparently Priapus despised asses so much the Greeks killed them in his honor."


"Jasper, as much as I appreciate you, this is not helping."


"I know, but…"


"Enough." Edward begged.


"Okay back on topic, your lab results came back with elevated levels of sildenafil citrate. Also know as Viagra." I paused letting this sink in. "I know that earlier you stated you had not taken Viagra. Would you like to amend your statement?"


"I. Have. Never. Taken. Viagra!" he said testily.


"Please, calm down. Because you have it in your body we need to figure out what else might be the culprit."


He glared at Emmett. "I took an herbal supplement Emmett brought back from China. It was supposed to help me during my workouts."


I had heard of herbal remedies containing energy boosters, but never Viagra. "Do you have any of the supplement with you? It would help if we could send it to the lab, so they can analyze it."


"Sure, it's in my bag." Emmett offered. He handed me the box, which was covered in Chinese characters.


Nice, I thought. Let Jake try and figure these out for a while. "Thanks."


"I am going to start you on an IV. I'm hoping you will respond to phenylephrine. At this point we will have to drain it if no progress is made within the next couple of hours."


"Wait..." Edward knitted his eyebrows together in a way that reminded me of a child when they are figuring out a particularly hard math problem. "You'll have to drain it? With a catheter?"


I bit the inside of my cheek – it was the only way to stop myself from laughing. "No, Mr. Masen, although it may be every mans dream to be able maintain an erection for hours and hours. The issue you have here is that there is no longer enough blood flowing through your penis. No blood flow equals no oxygen. No oxygen means your penis dies. In order for the natural circulation to be restored, you either get your little boy calmed down, or we come in with two very large needles. We insert the needles through the head of your penis and we drain the blood out. One side at a time."


I peeked to the side and saw both his friends' jaws drop open. Their hands reflexively covered their crotches, and when I looked back at Edward, his eyes were crossing as he fell back onto the bed.


Hurrying over to him, I felt his face, which was cold and clammy, and his pulse was fluttering wildly.


"What happened?" Emmett demanded.


I ignored him, and hit the button for assistance. Shit, I may have just scared my patient to death. Within seconds James was in the room, helping me start a line while I assessed Edward.


I didn't even have to lift the sheet to know that even the fear of needles near his junk had no affect. I scared him to death, and still there was a pup tent rising from the middle of the sheet.


Listening to his heart, I was relieved when the racing began to subside and his pulse returned to normal. A few seconds passed, and his eyes fluttered open. I was surprised by how green they were. I wondered if he wore contacts. Most people had hazel eyes which were a mix of green and blue or brown. His were a dark, mossy green and endless. My sleep-deprived brain wanted nothing more than to fall into them and dream of huge penises and bronze-colored sex hair.


I felt an elbow nudge me. "He's awake, Doc." James. I'd forgotten he was here. In fact, other than Edward, I hadn't realized anyone was in the room.


He was looking at me expectantly, as if waiting for an explanation as to why I was so close and staring at him. I quickly grabbed a thermometer to take his temperature, hoping I would no longer look like a crazy sex-deprived loser.


I put my hand to his forehead, my fingers brushing his hair out of the way. It was so soft. I bet he colors it. And spends half the day in the bathroom mirror arranging it so it looks like he just woke up.


Prima donna.


No one's hair was that soft or naturally that color. Fuck coloring, I bet he gets a weave. I snickered to myself as I pictured Edward in a salon chair with foil in his hair, reading a magazine under a dryer.


Okay, Isabella, shut the hell up right now.


"James, will you start Mr. Masen on a round of phenylephrine? Check his progress every thirty minutes. If he isn't responding with in the next two hours, we will need to drain it."


"Will do," he said, grinning cheerfully, right before he winked.


I rolled my eyes and walked towards the door, trying to preserve what dignity I had left. I heard Edward murmur something but couldn't hear what he'd said.


"No worries, Mr. Masen, you're in good hands."


This place is nuts. I need a nap ASAP.


I was finally able to slip away to sleep for a while. I had informed the staff that if they needed me I was in the lounge, but I silently prayed I would get a good hour of rest. I took off my lab coat and pager and fell onto the cot, unconcerned with the fact that my limbs were splayed across it like I was offering myself up to the nearest taker.


After tossing and turning for five minutes, I finally curled up into a ball and drifted off to sleep

~I~I~I~

A thick mist was rising off of the ground all around me. Twirling in place, I tried to figure out where I was, but the landscape was completely foreign to me.


I looked down screaming, as I realized something was really off.


What the hell! Why am I completely naked?


I haven't had a naked dream since med school, and that was only on test days. Starting at my feet, I gazed at what I could see of my body. What the hell was going on? My hair had grown about twelve inches, enabling me to cover my breasts with it. Not only was it one hell of a lot longer, but it was thicker and brilliantly shiny, too.


Pretty. Wait no, weird.


Weird doesn't cover it, Bella. You've officially lost your fucking mind.


I used my hands to cover my crotch as best I could before trying to figure a way out of here.


Where was a fig leaf when you needed one?


I had no idea what time it was. The sun seemed to shine from everywhere at once, giving me no further help. As my stomach rumbled, I realized that no matter what the physical time, my body was telling me it was time to eat.


Perfect.


Let's hope this, where ever it is has a fridge. Focusing hard, I realized I was in a meadow. The trees didn't have any fruit, and unless I wanted to eat grass and flowers, I was out of luck.


I looked up towards a hill; the sun was peeking through the mist, like a prism. Like a scene from a fantasy film, the mist broke to reveal a figure illuminated by a bright light.


It was a satyr.


My eyes roamed its form, entranced as the wind blew through its multifaceted bronze fur.


I strained to see more and gasped when I realized it was a he.


A very, very large he.


Looking up at his face, I thought I could see a smirk on his lips. If he were a real man I'd say he was smiling at me like a creepy stalker.


That thought made me focus on another amazing feature. His eyes! They were some kind of mutant green color. It was like the eyes from the Exorcist.


I hated that movie.


The satyr started walking toward me, forcing me to step back. His hungry eyes never left me. They were conveying a disturbing message. Either he planned to eat me or fuck me. Neither option sounded good right now.


Sending up a quick "sorry but there's only so much room'" to whoever sent me the satyr with a penis only heard of in porn, I continued moving backwards.


There is no way in hell my vagina could accommodate that monster.


"Look, I don't know who you are, or where I am, but you and your freakish monster-cock stay the hell away from me," I yelled.


As he continued moving forward, I decided running would be my best option.


"Liota! Come back!" he yelled.


Who? I hid behind a tree and watched as the man… um…goat thing ran through the meadow. Actually, he wasn't exactly running. It looked more like he was loping, like a gazelle except on two legs.


This was really weird and who the hell was Liota?


I tiptoed from tree to tree, trying to find my way out of this nightmare.


"Liota… Liota…" he sung into the air.


I had no idea how long I was able to stay hidden, but as the surrounding light began to fade, I was no closer to escaping the obstinate satyr than I had been earlier. Feeling exhausted, I lay down on the soft grass, just needing to close my eyes for a few moments.


I smiled as I drifted to sleep, the wind caressing my skin, almost like a lover. The feeling was wonderful. I heard soft whispers across my face, neck and chest. Dismissing them as the sounds of the unusual forest around me.


My reaction felt instinctual, as I hummed in contentment.


"HEEEEEEEE-AAWWWWWW!"


My eyes immediately flew open, and I saw the satyr standing over me, an angry expression on his face as he looked straight ahead into the meadow. His large cock wilted, as I looked in the direction of his gaze and saw an ass, or maybe it was a donkey.


Is there a difference, really? With really familiar blue eyes.


What the hell? They looked like James eyes.


Wait. I was stuck in a nightmare with a satyr and an ass. Reassessing my lack of attire and my unnaturally soft and luminous skin, I was struck with the realization that I was…Holy shit, I was a nymph.


Who the fuck cared! I could change into something, and if I couldn't get out of this damn meadow then, at least I could avoid the unwanted sexual advances of a hairy mythical creature. That meant… I could turn into a tree, right? Or was it a flower?


I stood up and ran, thinking whatever green thoughts I could.


'Please, please turn into a plant.'


I looked behind me, and the satyr was hot on my heels.


I stopped, turned and looked at him. There was no point in continuing to run, he would catch me.


I felt myself change the minute I had given up.


I looked up at the satyr, who was glaring at me, and then in a horribly pained cry he yelled.


"Curse you… Ass!"

~I~I~I~

'THUD'


I woke up on the floor, covered in sweat, and immediately began feeling around my body.


I wanted to cry. I had never been so thankful to be wearing my nasty-colored green scrubs in my entire life.


I peeled them away from my body in an attempt to cool myself down.


It had only been a dream. A horrible, terrible, strangely exciting dream.


And it had been about one of my patients. I had never had a dream about a patient before.


As a matter of fact, I couldn't decide what was more disturbing…the fact that I dreamt about a patient, or that he was a satyr with a wooden dick. The one thing that did disturb me was that the entire experience had been very physically exciting.


I picked up my pager, reading that no progress had been made with Mr. Masen's problem.


Sighing, I changed out of my scrubs and headed to find Dr. Cullen, my attending. He was waiting outside the nurse's station, looking amused.


"Well, Dr. Swan, have a nice sleep?" he smirked.


That was strange. "Sure?"


He full on grinned. "You were talking in your sleep. Sometime soon I would like an explanation on who the satyr was."


Oh no… no, no, no. This was not good.


My traitor face erupted in the hottest blush I'd had since Mike Newton tried to feel me up in eleventh grade.


"Well, now that is quite a lovely shade of red you're sporting. Shall we see how your patient is progressing?"


I nodded, and swallowed… hard.


I grabbed the chart and quickly reviewed his progress from the past two hours. It seemed to be getting worse.


Not good.


"I just reviewed his chart; it doesn't appear he has made any progress."


"And what would you recommend for treatment, Dr. Swan?"


"At this point this has gone on too long. The swelling in his…" I stuttered.


What was going on? I never stuttered. Ugh. The image of the satyr's giant cock flooded my mind.


"His..."


"Dr. Swan, if it's something you put in your mouth at night, then surely you can spit out its name during the day. You're a doctor," he reprimanded me.


I felt stupid, not only had I allowed this patient to get to me, his damn mythical penis was making me look stupid.


I was not going to let Edward's dick ruin my career.


"I recommend we drain it using the Winters procedure, sir."


"Very good!" He seemed pleased now. "I would like to oversee the procedure, only out of curiosity of course. It's not every day you see a case like this."


"No problem. I'll call James and meet you in room five."


I paged James and walked toward Edward's room. With a deep breath, I squared my shoulders and walked through the door.


"Feeling any better?" I asked him. After a quick glance in his direction, I knew the answer was an unequivocal 'NO'. In fact, he looked terrified.


"Your going to have to do it, aren't you?"


"I'm afraid so. You haven't shown any progress. My attending Dr. Cullen will be here to oversee." Just then, James and Dr. Cullen walked in, both looking unusually chipper.


Not helping, guys!


As Edward shifted uncomfortably under their attention, James went to work prepping him for the procedure, and I went to the sink trying to calm myself while washing my hands.


I can do this.


He's just a patient.


His dick is not that huge... Damn it! It was only a dream.


Taking a deep breath, and then another, I turned to face him.


Looking at Edward's friends, I asked, "Can you step out for a moment? This shouldn't take too long."


Emmett looked like he wanted to argue, but Jasper was already up and tugging him out of the room, as Edward voiced his opposition to my request.


"I'd like them to stay, please." Edward asked, his voice a little shaky.


Safety in numbers, big man?


I nodded my head in agreement, as I walked over and began to explain the procedure to Edward… In more formal terms this time around.


"Everything clear?" I asked, and all he could do was nod.


"Okay James, I need you so keep the penis still. It's important that we only drain it sixty percent, otherwise he'll be impotent."


A mouse like screech filled the air, and I looked at Edward, who was… praying?


"Its okay, Edward, I'm going to numb it with a local. Do you understand?"


He nodded and resumed praying.


I carefully injected small amounts of Lidocaine into the surrounding tissue, taking extra precaution to cause as little discomfort as I could. Once I was done we waited for the medicine to take effect.


"Dr. Swan? Jake is here with the lab results from the Chinese herb."


"Oh, thank you, James."


I could feel all eyes on me as I walked over to the door. Jake was standing on the other side looking terribly pleased with himself. "So? What do you have?"


"It looks like whoever picked this up bought the wrong one. It's full of aphrodisiacs, natural Viagras, and anything else you could think of the help get it up... if you know what I'm saying. If they sold this for body building I guess the guy is supposed to do reps with his dick." He finished, laughing.


"Thanks, Jake," I said sarcastically and closed the door in his face.


"Did you hear all that?" I asked Edward.


"Yes." He was looking at Emmett.


"Hey, the old lady told me it would make me big and strong. I didn't think I needed to qualify what I wanted big and strong."


All three began laughing.


I rolled my eyes. Ridiculous.


"Alright, let's get moving before that local wears off."


James pulled back the sheet. It didn't matter how many times I saw it, it never failed to shock the hell of me with just how horrible it looked.


As a rule, I thought most penises were kind of pretty. You know, in a masculine way. But this monstrosity was terrifying.


I wondered what it looked like on a good day.


Shaking myself out of that train of thought, I sincerely hoped that when this was all over he wasn't scarred for life.


Picking up the syringe, I almost gasped. I had forgotten just how big an 18 gauge needle was. I looked at Edward apologetically and slowly brought it toward my target. Edward had his eyes closed and was muttering something under his breath.


"Just try to relax." When he fidgeted again I was more specific in my directions. "Edward, you need to hold still or I'll have to restrain you."


He nodded in what I hoped was understanding.


Steady now, Isabella.


When the needle came into contact with his penis, his eyes flew open and he began to scream.


Wait a minute... that was too loud to be just one scream.


As a matter of fact, the entire room erupted in a cacophony of noise that rivaled a room full of fangirls.


I looked around the room.


All five of them were screaming and cupping themselves.


Men.

~I~I~I~

Six months later…


"Oh Bella…" he moaned, as his body rubbed up and down mine.


I was ready, no, more than ready. It had been so long since I had had sex. I could just feel my poor vagina crying in anticipation.


"Are you ready?" he asked in between kisses.


"Yes… yes! Please." I begged him, my willpower completely gone.


Something niggled at the back of my brain. I knew there was something I was forgetting, but in my lust-induced haze I couldn't be bothered to figure out what. I heard the tear of a package and felt all thoughts flee my head when his penis slipped inside of me.


"Oh, Edward," I cried out, as he tried to slip inside of me.


"You weren't kidding when you said it had been awhile. You are so tight," he moaned.


It took a few minutes, but he finally made it all the way in. When he started moving, the good feeling was mixed with a slow burn.


Huh, I don't remember feeling that before.


The faster and harder he moved the more it burned.


"Edward, it's…"


"Holy shit you're tight, are you coming already?"


Was I? Definitely not, unless my lack of action had turned my vagina into the Sahara, making my orgasms burn like a yeast infection from hell.


Wait…


Oh my… "Edward, stop!"


"What? Why?" He slowed down.


"What kind of..."


"Bella, you're tightening again. Oh fuck, that feels good."


He moved faster.


"SO tight… tight. Wait, too tight. Fuck! Ouch! Bella, it's too tight!" He stopped and tried to pull out. "What the hell! I can't pull out!"


"Edward, did you use the condom I handed you?" I whimpered, impatiently.


"Sure, I think."


"You think? Or you know."


He looked at the wrapper. "I guess I didn't."


I wanted to cry, this was both humiliating and painful.


"Edward, you idiot! I'm allergic to latex!"


Sighing in defeat, he said, "We're going to have to go to the ER."


Six hours later...


"How the hell are we unlucky enough to experience two of the rarest genital diseases out there? 'Penis Captivous'! Really?" Edward complained.


"Look on the bright side: at least Emmett didn't pick up his phone. I suggest taking him off your emergency contact list, especially with our luck."


"You mean there's still an our?" he asked hopefully.


I laughed… hard. "Of course. What girl could resist a dick as large as yours?"

The Adventures Of A Fuller Brush Man

Dropping to the ground, I pushed my body as close to the earth as possible. The smell of sulfur permeated the air as the bombs dropped, hitting their intended targets.


I clutched my helmet harder.


I lifted my head only a fraction – enough to see the plumes of smoke moving closer and closer.


My whole unit was completely exposed, and we wouldn't have a chance to get to safety before we were hit.


The deafening explosion was so close I could feel the earth rumble as the bombs hit.


"Move! Move! Move!" the unit leader bellowed as it became clear they were moving closer.


Picking up my weapon, I ran, desperately trying to reach the edge of the field where I knew a small water ditch lay.


The screams and cries for help sounded in my ears. I knew I should keep running to safety, but I couldn't ignore my brothers.


Turning around, I realized why they had been screaming; one by one they were engulfed in smoke as the bombs fell all around them.


A few ran past, grabbing onto me, pulling me with them.


We almost made it.


When the searing pain hit my legs, I looked to my right. A soldier whose name I couldn't remember had taken the worst of it.


His body lay in pieces.


I fell and waited for the next bomb to finish me off, knowing anything to stop the burning pain would be a godsend.


The soft grass was welcome; at least I hadn't landed in something disgusting or uncomfortable.


I always wondered what my last moments on this earth would be. I was surprised by how peaceful I felt as I drifted into unconsciousness.

~I~I~I~

"Hey, man, wake up." I awoke to a finger pushing into my arm.


"What the hell?" My heavy lids fought against the intruding voice.


"Yeah, that was exactly my reaction when you started yellin' in your sleep. Scared me good, too."


My lids finally cooperated, and I opened them to see Emmett McCarty standing over my bed.


"What was I saying this time?" I tried to appear nonchalant, but I really was embarrassed. I had hoped this would be a relatively short-lived problem, but I couldn't shake the nightmares.


"The usual. Most of the time I can wake you, but you were pretty far gone. Sorry about poking at your arm." He looked concerned and apologetic.


"Thank you, Emmett. I'm sorry for scaring you."


He nodded, walking back over to his bed and lay down.


I stared up at the ceiling, something I had done countless times in the last six months.


Six months of surgeries, therapy and boredom.


I had repeatedly requested to be re-enlisted, but my request was denied every time. I had a theory, but I couldn't bring myself to fight it. No doubt my father had pulled every string he could think of to make sure I stayed safely in the United States.


I should've been grateful, instead I felt sick and useless.


"Emmett?" I called out.


"Yeah?" he replied.


"What will you do now that your time in the military is over?"


I waited, listening for his response, but all I heard was a heavy sigh. "I don't know," he whispered. "What about you?"


I thought about it for a moment. If my dad were to get his way. I would be off to law school to be groomed to take over his firm. A Masen had been at the helm of Masen Law Firm for the past three generations. When I joined the army, my father's disappointment was palatable. In fact, I had never seen him so angry. He'd tried everything of course, tempting me with everything he could think of to get me to change my mind. When it was apparent he would not get his way, he relented, but not before promptly cutting me off. I was his only son, but he would not support me financially if my judgment was so poor. My mother pleaded with him, but to no avail. I shipped out, with only my mother at the train station to wish me farewell.


It hadn't taken long for him to regret his words. I wasn't sure if it was my mother or his conscience, but I received a letter a month later, asking me to forgive him and to be safe.


"I don't know either. Maybe we can figure something out."


The light switched on, and Rosie, our nurse, came in to check on us before the end of her shift.


"You boys all right?" she questioned, before promptly checking our bandages and wounds for infection.


"Just fine, ma'am." Emmett grinned.


"Well, your wounds are looking clean. I suspect you'll be going home soon, soldier boy," she said, smiling.


"Really?" He said, his eyes alight.


She laughed; the sound was happy and carefree. "With dimples like that you'll have all the ladies lining up for a shot with you. Better keep that secret weapon for the good ones."


She moved over to me, and I laughed at Emmett's stunned face. It took a lot to shock him. "Private, yours are looking better too, and may I say, you're lucky. When you came in, I thought you wouldn't last more than a few days."


"I don't remember much after being basically blown up," I admitted.


"I'm not surprised. They patched you up as best they could, and once you were stable enough to travel, they flew you home. It's a hard part of war, seeing all you boys go out fresh faced only to see you come back with scars both inside and out," she sniffed a little.


"Well, ma'am, getting to see your pretty face all the time has more than made up for it. Perhaps you'll let me repay you by allowing me to buy you dinner?"


She turned to look at Emmett. I smirked, knowing this couldn't end well. Rosalie Hale, for all her beauty, was a smart, intelligent, compassionate woman who made it a point to tell every charge in her care that she did not date soldiers.


"Those dimples," she said, sighing. "They'll be the death of me, I swear it."


Emmett and I looked at one another. I swear my jaw fell to the floor, and though she hadn't said yes, it was close enough.


Finally finding his voice, Emmett cleared his throat, "Is that a yes, then?"


She nodded her head. "Yes, but I swear to you... you'll be sorry if you make me regret it." Although she had a smile on her face, her eyes held a warning.


Emmett audibly gulped, "Yes, ma'am."


"That's right," she said with a wink in my direction.


Rosie left, and I laughed at Emmett's still shocked face.


"I guess we better get serious about finding work, then."


He turned back to me and nodded his head enthusiastically.

~I~I~I~

"You found anything yet?" Emmett asked as we walked along the street.


I shook my head. My job search had been very frustrating.


"I told you. You need to be less picky."


Rolling my eyes at him, I chose to ignore the comment.


"Do you mind if we make a quick stop at Duncan's? I haven't read a new book in ages."


"Sure, I'm not suppose to meet Rosie until six."


The bell chimed above the door when we entered. I perused the shelves of books, looking for something I hadn't already read. I suppose I was just desperate for a distraction. I turned my head to see where Emmett had wandered to and spotted him looking through several boxes of books marked as discounted. Curious to see what they contained, I joined him.


"Are you looking for anything in particular?" I asked, as I flipped through the various titles.


"Naw, I was thinking I would pick up a book for Rosie or her friend. I met her for the first time last week, she's a looker. I could see if she would be willing to..."


"No, thank you, Emmett. We can't all be as lucky as you."


"But Edward, she really is a beauty."


Sighing, I simply shrugged. "There has to be more to a woman than looks before I'm interested."


"Masen, don't be a bastard. She's a nurse, like Rosie."


"Maybe I'll consider it, after I've found a job."


I continued looking through the box, trying to ignore Emmett when he muttered, "Yeah, right," under his breath.


After exhausting all but one, I felt like I had wasted my time. Huffing, I gave in and went to the last box. There were a few classics I might be interested in. I pulled out a few and stopped when a thin, faded orange booklet fell to the floor. Bending down to retrieve it, I was immediately embarrassed when I saw what was on the cover. A man in a very... intimate position with a woman. I felt my cheeks redden and I tried to return the book before Emmett noticed.


"Whatcha got there, Masen?" He tried to grab the booklet from me, but I quickly stuffed it back in the box.


"Nothing," I said, glaring.


"Oh, come on now, it had to have been something. You don't go that red over nothing."


Knowing I wouldn't win, I handed it over. As expected, his reaction was followed by loud laughter and some low whistles.


"The Adventures of a Fuller Brush Man," he read dramatically. "Damn," he muttered. "This guy is one suave son of a gun."


I barked out a laugh. "I highly doubt anyone would really do such a thing, Emmett. It would be disrespectful."


"You do know this is a real company, right?"


"No, I didn't, but even so, I highly doubt they would want their employees seducing their customers."


"Are you serious?" he laughed. "Only you, Masen. In fact, I bet you wouldn't have the balls to approach a young lady and try to seduce her."


"It has nothing to do with balls. It's about respect," I retorted.


"Yeah, right. You're scared, admit it."


"I'm not scared," I hissed. Although he was partly correct, I would never dream of admitting that to him.


"Okay then. I'm issuing a challenge. One hundred bucks says you couldn't approach a woman like the salesman in this book, and do anything more than treat her like your mother."


"You're on," I said, before I could shut my mouth. What the hell was I thinking?


"This is going to be perfect," he crowed.

~I~I~I~

Day one...


Tugging on my collar, I cursed, for what was probably the hundredth time today, my stupid male pride. Why couldn't I have just handed him the hundred dollars and been done with it?


Because you would have never heard the end of it, that's why.


Getting the job had been the easy part. Telling my parents I was a traveling salesman was not.


My mother just stood there shocked, and my father's stormy expression told me all I needed to know. He was disappointed, and hurt.


Sighing, I got out of my car, again cursing my stupidity. If I made it through this bet, I would go to law school, finish my education and get on with my damn life.


I looked at the paper the office had given me. It had several addresses of people interested in buying our merchandise.


Locating number 103, I slowly walked up and knocked on the door.


Panicking, I almost turned and ran. What the hell was I doing?


No. I needed to do this, or I would never hear the end of it from Emmett.


I was beginning to think whoever lived here wasn't home. Relief began to set in.


I was just about to leave when the door opened.


Putting on my most charming smile, I held up my briefcase. "Good afternoon. My name is Edward Masen, I'm a salesmen for the Fuller Brush Company. May I give you a demonstration of our products?" I said, before really looking at the person on the other side.


"Oh, you look like such a nice young man. Won't you come in? My name is Mrs. Cope," said the elderly lady on the other side of the door.


"Thank you," I stuttered, overwhelmed with how stupid I felt.


I stumbled my way through my presentation, feeling like a heel for even approaching her door with such thoughts. Not mention a little sick.


"Can I be honest with you, Son? I really don't need anything right now. But if it wouldn't be too much trouble, could you help me with something?" she asked hopefully.


"Certainly," I agreed much too quickly.


"Since my husband died I haven't been able to do much with my yard. It's too hard to push that mower, and my son lives to far away to help me all the time. Do you think you could manage that? I would pay you of course."


"I would be happy to help. No payments necessary."


She thanked me and showed me to the tool shed, where the mower was kept.


"You're such a nice boy. Your mother should be proud to have raised such an upstanding young man."


"Thank you."


I mowed the lawn, thinking I had done exactly what Emmett said I would. Granted the woman was ancient as the hills, but still. It wasn't in me to disrespect woman. I hadn't been raised that way. When I finished, Mrs. Cope thanked me and sent me on my way with a batch of cookies.


Day two...


After my previous day, I had gone home, ate, slept and regrouped. I knew today would be different.


It had to be.


This particular address was in a nicer part of town. So I was hopeful.


The sooner I got this bet over with the better.


Walking toward the front door, I felt more determined.


I can do this... I can do this... I can...


The door opened and a child with curly blond hair answered the door. "Momma, momma!" she exclaimed. "There is a man at the door."


"Irina!" A voice called out scolding the child. "Where are your manners?'


A tall beautiful woman came to the door, another child in her arms. "Hello, may I help you?" she greeted me.


I knew I was staring, and that it was very impolite, but I couldn't get over how tired she looked.


"I represent the Fuller Brush Company, do you have a few moments?"


"I do, but my children rarely give me much time. I hope you don't mind the noise."


She introduced herself as Tanya and showed me to the living room, and I went about setting up my things for the presentation. The little girl named Irina was very curious, and Tanya was constantly trying to quiet her. After getting through it, I asked if she had any questions. She shook her head. "Unless you can repair washing tubs, I don't think I need anything else at this time," she replied honestly.


"Washing tub?"


"My husband is in Europe – he is a major in the Army. The washing tub broke not long after he left, and I have had to wash all of our clothes by hand. With the shortage of men, there isn't really anyone who knows how to fix it."


"I can give it a try. I am not familiar with the machine, but I would be happy to lend a hand."


"Really? Oh, thank you!"


I followed her to the back of the house, where the washing tub was kept. After looking it over, I discovers an unusual looking item wedged into the motor. Carefully I reached in to the compartment and pulled out a small object. When I looked closer, I realized it was a toy solider.


"I think I found the source of the problem. It appears a brave soldier was caught in the gears."


I looked at Irina, who was now hiding behind her mother's skirt. "Irina! No wonder. How many times have I told you not to stuff those in places?"


The girl looked sad and apologized to her mother.


Sensing it was time to leave, I asked if there was anything else. When she said no and offered to pay me, I declined.


Sitting in my car, I felt stupid for not just kicking my pride to corner and calling off this stupid bet.


Day Three...


Nothing much to report since it went much like the previous two days.


Day Four...


I had a lady set some dogs on me after I tried and failed to touch her arm. She had threatened to call the police, and I ran faster than I ever thought possible.


Day Five...


I had decided to give up. My pride had already taken a larger beating than if I had just conceded in the first place.


I approached Rosie's house, where I was suppose to meet Emmett, and rang the bell. I realized I hadn't changed out of my suit and felt even more dejected.


The door opened, and I was met by a beautiful brunette. She was wearing the same uniform that all the nurses wore at the hospital I had been to.


"Afternoon, Miss. I'm supposed to meet my friend Emmett and his girlfriend Rosie here," I asked, hoping I had the right house.


"I'm afraid I'm the only one at home for the moment. You're welcome to come in and wait," she offered politely.


I accepted gratefully and followed her into the house. She invited me to sit and offered to get me a drink. I declined politely, stating that I would wait.


Excusing herself to finish getting ready for work, I realized she lived here. In my stupor I had not asked her name.


When she returned, I seized the opportunity to introduce myself. "Miss, I apologize for being rude. My name is Edward Masen."


"Oh?" she questioned. It seemed like she wanted to say more, but instead she continued to look at me. "And may I ask what it is you do?"


"I am a traveling salesman for the Fuller Brush Company."


She got up and walked behind me. I sat in the chair, unsure if I was supposed to follow.


Suddenly, a pair of hands reached around to my tie. She gave a playful tug and whispered, "I've always had a thing for a man in a suit. And you cut a very nice picture."


I looked down, realizing she had loosened my tie and was slipping it from my shirt.


Swallowing, I remained frozen. What was going on?


Her fingers began unbuttoning my shirt. One by one, exposing my chest.


When the shirt was half-open she tugged on my jacket, slipping it from my arms.


Returning to my shirt, she was silent except for the shallow breath in my ear.


I closed my eyes, trying to figure out if this was a dream. It had to be, I had never felt this aroused in my entire life. And she smelled heavenly. No, this had to be a dream.


"My, my, you are a very nice looking specimen. I may have to keep you," she said as she toyed with my belt.


It was then I realized she had removed my shirt as well.


I felt her move and saw a playful sway in her hips as she sauntered around the sofa to face me.


With deviating calm, she reached behind her back drawing down the zipper of her uniform. My eyes widened, as I realized what she was doing.


My mouth was too dry to speak, and so only a strangled groan came tumbling from my lips.


She smirked and let the dress fall to her feet.


I admit that during my time in France I had kissed and even touched a few women, but it had been more fumbling than anything. I had never actually seen a woman undressed before.


She wore a simple satin brazier, and garters and stockings and... nothing else. Reaching behind her back again, she removed her brazier, tossing it on the floor.


Merciful heaven, she was trying to kill me. No, I was trying to kill me since this was nothing more than a dream.


Before I could decide if this was indeed a dream or a fantasy or both, the brunette was straddling me. She made quick work of my belt and began tugging on the zipper of my pants. In my lust-induced haze, I finally came to my senses and grabbed her wrist, stopping her.


If this was only a dream, I had developed a damn good imagination.


"What is your name?" I asked stupidly. If I was going to finally lose my virginity, I damn well wanted to know her name, dream or not.


She leaned forward and kissed me hard. All I could do was respond, forgetting my previous question.


With my zipper down, she pulled my pants out of the way.


Settling above me, she swept her warm... wet... wait, was this really happening?


The next minute she lifted her bottom, bringing herself down onto my erection. Her hands held onto my shoulders as she sighed contentedly and began moving.


If my thoughts could have been categorized into a song, the tune would have been nothing but a jumbled rhythm of ups and downs.


Well, if this was a dream I was going to damn well enjoy it... well I was going to try.


It's not like I really knew what I was doing. After all, I had no idea how my imagination could conjure up something so explicit.


"You seem confused, Edward," she whispered to me. When I didn't answer she stopped, a look of concern crossed her face. "I assumed... you do want this right?"


"Yesss," I said in a strangled tone. "I'm just confused that my subconscious would dream up something so real. Perhaps I sustained more damage than I previously thought."


Her laughter was light, and the smile on her face eased my concern. She leaned in to whisper in my ear. "You are not dreaming. I am very much real, and... I'm going to make your fantasy unforgettable."


I told my mind to shut the hell up and just enjoy what was happening. I would deal with the consequences later.


I watched her beautiful brown curls bounce as she rode me. The sensations I was feeling were new, and I was not able to control the urge to meet her every thrust. Too soon, an overwhelming feeling began building in my abdomen, and when she cried out my name I lost it, releasing inside of her.


Both of us were quiet for a moment, trying to catch our breath. Leaning toward me, she rested her forehead on mine and smiled. "My name is Bella. It's a pleasure to meet you."


Once we had righted our clothing, we spent the next hour talking about ourselves. I learned she was Rosie's roommate. I confessed to her that Emmett had been trying to set us up, and that's when she confessed she had known about our bet. Since she had wanted to ask me out for quite some time, she had convinced those two to give her a couple of hours.


I was shocked, and all she could do was laugh.


"You must think I'm a downright hussy, but I had no intention of doing anything beyond talking. I guess you bring out the best in me," she said, grinning.


The door opened, and Emmett and Rosie came in with apprehensive smiles on their faces.


Emmett took one look at me, blinked, and groaned loudly.

"Dammit, Rosie, I owe him a hundred bucks."

"Take cover, boys! Another raid is coming through!"