Duty and Desire Outtake

I do not own Twilight or Pride and Prejudice




I desperately needed fresh air. The house which had been my safe haven now felt like a prison.

It had been easier than I thought to convince Jessica I needed to be outdoors this morning. I had come upon Mr. Newton and Jessica seated at the table eating breakfast. Luck seemed to be on my side this morning, unlike yesterday.

Mr. Newton's mouth was full of food, preventing him from talking to me. I took advantage of this rare opportunity to escape without having to listen to his endless droning about Lady Irina. I told Jessica I needed some fresh air, she remarked that I did look pale. I suppose I had not taken the time to look at my appearance this morning. Mr. Newton, in an attempt to speak with his mouth was full, began choking slightly. I slipped out before he was able to clear his throat and talk to me.

Walking slowly toward my favorite path, I stopped suddenly.

Would Mr. Masen be out walking this morning?

I don't think I could take another encounter with him right now. Everything was still to raw.

I looked around making sure I was alone. Seeing no one I took off running. I loved the feeling of the wind on my face as I ran. Running was my escape, even though it was considered a sign of ill breeding. I didn't care, I felt free.

I had been cooped up for far too long, or if I was being honest with myself I was hiding. Never before had a man so thoroughly confused and provoked me. I hated him, yet was unable to deny the irrational draw I felt when near him. Never in my wildest imaginations did I believe he would propose. Why would he want that? Mr. Masen was either a total fool or a masochist. No man would purposely attach themselves to someone who so thoroughly disliked them.

No, he must be a fool.

I slowed to a walk and finally came to a stop. Grasping the nearest tree and I caught my breath. It had been a while since I had an opportunity to run and I felt tired.

I had tried countless times to understand why I reacted the way I did to him. It was as if I had no control over my actions, and that bothered me considerably. The feelings he stirred in me were confusing and new, I had no idea what to think. He seemed to bring out strong reactions in me, unrelenting on every front. We were toxic together, there was no denying it. If I had accepted him, we would have made each other miserable.

A noise behind me broke me of my musings. I turned thinking I must be hearing things, only to be face to face with no other than, Mr. Masen.

He looked exhausted, his face which usually held such a haughty demeanor, was drawn and tired. I felt my heart clench as it cried out for him. I wanted to caress his face, taking away all the pain in his eyes.

No! I couldn't do this, he had done too much.

I steeled myself.

He looked at me as if he were trying to decipher something. He sighed heavily and reached into the breast pocket of his coat.

“I know I have no right to ask anything of you, but would you do me the honor of reading this letter?" he entreated in a soft voice. It was so unlike any other time I had spoken with him.

He sounded broken.

Before I could respond he turned and all but ran from me.

What had I done to him?

I watched his retreating form, hoping he would turn around. I needed to see his face one last time. Even though my feelings for him were confused, and I was certain I disliked him, I didn't want that face to be my final memory of him.

He didn't turn around, and now he was gone.

I looked at my hand where he had placed the letter and slowly closed my fists tightly around it. I willed myself not to cry out in frustration, why could he not leave well enough alone? From the feel of it, the letter was lengthy, he must have had much to say. No doubt more complaints on the unworthiness of myself as well as my family.

I walked over to the stream, and sat on a fallen log. I contemplated throwing the letter in the water and letting the current carry his hateful words far away from me.

But curiously got the best of me. He had gone to a lot of trouble to not only write this, but track me down.

Sighing, I broke the seal, and paused looking around to make sure I was still alone. I had no idea what the contents of this letter held, but I knew I did not want an audience intruding on my reaction.

Slowly, I unfolded the letter and began to read.

Madam,

Be not alarmed on receiving this letter, or that it contains any continuation of sentiments or renewals of offers which today were so disgusting to you. I would, however, like to address the accusations leveled against me.

He was angry and bitter; I couldn’t help the sadness my heart felt with his declaration.

First, despite the feelings of either party, I separated your sister from Mr. McCarty. Although I do not deny this, I feel my reasons were just.

Justified? Really, Mr. Masen astonished me.

I noticed early on that Mr. McCarty admired your sister and was very much taken with her. The night of the Netherfield ball convinced me that it would not be long until a serious attachment would be made. However, after observing your sister for several weeks, I was unable to sense any kind of strong attachment on her side. Although she seemed to enjoy his company, I was convinced her affections were not as strong as my friend’s feelings for her. So many of our class marry for wealth and titles, and it is a rare match indeed that is formed from love. I did not want my friend to suffer that fate.

Though I was loathed to agree to his point of view, I grudgingly accepted that although it was flawed, his reasoning made sense. Too many people married with the intent of aligning powerful families or to combine wealth. Often the bride and groom had no say in their prospective spouse. I searched my memory for those times Rose had been with Mr. McCarty. I could remember his enthusiasm, and cheerful demeanor, Rose, though shy, seemed genuinely comfortable around him. This was a huge step considering she generally shied away from the company of men altogether.

In addition, I was given information that night about a prior engagement your sister had with a Mr. Royce King, one which he ended suddenly. Mr. McCarty was confused and unsure of how your sister really felt, afraid that perhaps she pined for this other man. I convinced him it would be wise to leave for town in order to sort out his feelings.

Oh that man, would we never be rid of the horrible shadow he cast over our lives?

I now understand that she did have strong feelings for him, as you informed me, and for that I am truly sorry. It was foolish of me to make assumptions based on what was obviously gossip. I never meant any offense against your sister. I hope you can understand I acted in a way to protect the happiness of a friend by encouraging him to make an informed decision. I can not blame myself for having done this much.

A tear slipped down my cheek and then another. I blinked letting the rest fall freely. I folded the letter and looked at the calming landscape before me, the stream, the trees, anything to distract myself. A heavy weight, which sat on my heart, suddenly felt slightly lighter. I was far from happy with the manner in which Mr. Masen had acted, but his reasoning was sound. Based on the information they had received, and my sisters less than enthusiastic response. I grudgingly agreed that I would have been cautious as well. I wondered what kind of response they were used to. Did they except a woman in love to flirt shamelessly and demanded the attention of the whole room? Was it not enough to show affection through simple gestures? I laughed as memories of Miss McCarty's behavior came rushing back. She had thrown herself shamelessly into Mr. Masen's path time after time only to receive little or no response. Her method of flirting often bordered on the obscene. I was surprised Mr. Masen allowed her to use his Christian name so freely. I thought of the difference between Miss McCarty's behavior and that of Rosalie. Did Mr. McCarty expect more because of his experience with his sister?

I groaned in frustration.

Having never been to town for society functions, I had no experience to draw from. It seemed my only comparison was Miss McCarty, but a nagging feeling told me her methods were more mercenary, and not a reflection of normal ton behavior. I decided I was going in circles and needed to finish the remainder of the letter, I unfolded and began to read.

In the matter of Mr. Wickham, I do not know under what falsehoods he imposed himself on you, yet I hope you can acquit me of cruelty toward him. I feel the only way to do this is it to reveal to you his connection with my family.

James Wickham is the son of my late father’s steward. His father was a good man and held the management of our family’s estate. We played together as children, often fishing and getting into trouble, as most young boys do. My father was fond of him and offered to assist him with his education. James attended; however, he showed little real interest in pursuing any career. By the end of his term at school, his habits had become alarmingly erratic, from drinking, to gambling heavily, to debauchery of the worst sort. It was not long before he was dismissed from school.

He floundered in and out of several other careers. We saw little of him until news of my father’s illness brought him back to Pemberley. My father’s attachment to Mr. Wickham was so steady that upon his death, James was given three thousand pounds, as promised in my father’s will. After receiving the money, he vanished for a time. Subsequent to gambling away all his money, he sent a missive asking for more funds, which I refused. He then severed all contact, and I did not hear from him until a year ago, under the most painful circumstances, which every day I wish I could forget.

My sister, Alice, who is ten years my junior, was left in the care of a Mrs. Laurent, in whose character we were very much deceived. After reading several of my sister’s letters, I determined that she seemed to be suffering from low spirits. I resolved to leave immediately and try to do what I could for her. Wanting to leave as soon as possible, I did not write ahead to inform anyone of my arrival. When I arrived, the house appeared vacant, and Mrs. Laurent was nowhere to be found. At that moment, I heard a scream that will forever be seared in my memory.

I ran frantically, searching for the source of the scream, knowing it was Alice. Approaching her chambers, I threw open the door. What I found shocked and enraged me to no end. James had his hands on my sister, attempting to force himself on her. I ran and threw him off of her, but in my attempt to comfort Alice, who was in hysterics, James had fled.

The bastard had tried to befriend her, in the hopes she would elope with him. When it became clear that she did not harbor any feelings for him beyond friendship, he sought to ruin her reputation in exchange for money to keep his silence. I suppose his primary motive was money, however, I feel a secondary motive was to revenge himself on me for denying him more funds. If he had succeeded, his revenge would have been complete indeed. We were unable to pursue him through the law; to expose him would have meant ruining Alice’s reputation. That was not something I was willing to risk. And so the rogue roams free, while my sister tries to regain her life. She was but sixteen years old.

I understand the shock you must be feeling, and I would not burden you with this; however, I have a strong need for you to understand the truth. I know this will not improve your opinion of me, and to that I am reconciled. For confirmation, should you feel in need of it, you may apply to Col. Whitlock, who shares the guardianship of Alice with myself, and is aware of all these events and transactions.

I wish you health and happiness.

Yours faithfully,

Edward Anthony Masen

I felt an overwhelming need to be sick. With shaking hands I refolded the letter and attempted to steady myself on the log. I looked up at the landscape, which had been so soothing and was now blurred. I realized I was shaking with sobs which had been held at bay and now broke through, freely racking my body. I clutched my middle, rocking forward, my free hand covered my mouth holding in the scream threatening to come.

What had I done? How had I been so blind, unwilling to see the truth behind Mr. Masen's words and actions. I had ignored all sense and allowed a man I barley new to blind me from seeing the goodness of another.

Mr. Wickham had been so convincing and I had stupidly listened to him, because Mr. Masen had wounded my pride. What sort of man would relay such private thoughts and accusation to a stranger, and then when Mr. Masen had left Mr. Wickham freely shared with the whole of Meryton. So many signs I should have seen but was blinded by my anger at his slight.

I stood and began walking or pacing if I was being honest. His sister! I had defended that... that man. And he was no better than the bastard who had hurt Rose. I was going to have to face him when I returned to Meryton, and I didn't know if I could restrain myself from physically harming him. He had deceived me, but why? Why had he singled me out of all the ladies who would have been more than willing to listen?

I stopped walking. Had he seen something in Mr. Masen that I had not? Jessica was stubbornly insistent about how Mr. Masen must be in love with me, simply because he paid me more attention than anyone else. Being stubborn as well, I scoffed and brushed it off to thinking Mr. Masen only enjoyed provoking me.

However, after yesterday's declaration it was apparent I need to reevaluate things.

I thought back to our encounters, his time in Meryton, and Kent. I allowed myself to remember our meetings, without my pride blinding my judgment. I remembered his attentions, the discussions about literature. At the time I thought he was trying to insight an argument, but now I realized he was trying to understand me. His attentiveness to me during my time here in Kent. I had grossly misunderstood his attentions, determined to think the worst of him. Now I realize he was the better man all along. Oh Lord, what a fool I was.

And now he was gone and I would give anything to take back my harsh words. I couldn't say I loved him. Attraction and want were often mistaken for love. Regardless, he did not deserve my harsh reproofs. I walked back toward the cottage, feeling infinitely worse than when I had left. Nothing but time it seemed would heal this wound. I had lost so much.

Jessica was waiting for me, pacing the foyer. She didn't ask me much, knowing me far too well. She did however inform me Colonel Whitlock had been there, he waited for over half an hour before he was forced to leave, and now he was gone as well. Jessica seemed confused as to why the Col. had been so insistent upon seeing me, but I knew. He was here to lend testimony to his friend's letter. I thanked her and quickly went up to my room. I stepped inside and locked the door, desperately trying to calm the panic that was overwhelming me.

He was gone, and I would never see him again.

Gladiator

I do not own Twilight



Rome, 182 AD

I stared out into the vast crowd. The cheers were deafening, their images blurring into a sea of colors. The smell of sweat and blood penetrated my senses. I looked down at the blood soaked earth, willing myself to stay alert; the battle was not yet won. I needed to face my destiny. The fates had brought me to this point. Although I had not understood the significance of the journey I had undertaken, I was able to see with perfect clarity the reason. Memories of a lifetime ago, it seemed, penetrated my mind. A father figure and mentor; his last words would haunt me, knowing his son was responsible for his death.

“An nescis, mi fili, quantilla sapientia mundus regatur?”

“This is why I am naming you my successor, you are betrothed to my daughter, and will save Rome from the corruption that infests its walls. You must promise to do this. It is the last task I give you.”

Those words sealed my fate and brought me to where I am today.

I am a slave, the people would call me a Gladiator but there is no honor in what I do. I fight for the pleasure of the crowd and if I die I will be replaced by the next person, the memory of my victory fading as quickly as my flesh. My own life meant little to me; I had resolved myself to my impending demise, almost from the first day I was shackled and brought to the training camps. They were brutal and harsh, but they trained you well.

In my previous life I was the General for the northern legions. I fought and won many victories for my Caesar. Rome was the light, and we shared that light with the world. After a successful campaign in Germania, the Emperor died unexpectedly. Because I had not given him my answer in time, his son ascended as emperor. After he was named Emperor, James quickly acted to remove any threats to his rule. I suspected he knew of his fathers decision to name me as successor, therefore I was sentenced to be executed.

After managing to escape I was picked up by a caravan in the Alps and taken to the training camps in northern Italy. Once I was deemed worthy I was sent to compete in Rome at The Coliseum. The Coliseum was the greatest of all gladiatorial events. It was considered an immense honor to be a Gladiator of Rome, yet I found it empty and worthless. To fight and die in front of thousands of screaming and cheering people eager to view a blood bath…

It was madness.

The previous evening

As Gladiators we were well fed and cared for. Prior to my matches I would be escorted to the bath house to be cleansed and to relax. I was currently sitting in the warm water watching the mist rise all around me. I lay my head back on the cool marble floor and studied the ceiling with its exquisite tiled mosaics. The colors and patterns were reminiscent of the fields of Elysium. I figured that was fate giving me my taste of what was to come tomorrow. I had never experienced these kinds of luxuries prior to becoming a Gladiator and for all the pomp it felt hollow knowing I could die the following day. The warm water relaxed my muscles, letting all the frustration and tension release into the warm water.

Tap…tap…tap…

Almost so quite I was unsure if I heard it, light footsteps were coming toward me. I lifted my head to look around for the intruder. I was told I would have an hour of undisturbed time. The thick steam made seeing difficult, but I was able to see the flicker of flames coming from the lanterns on the walls, the table of food and wine, and the pillars which lined the alcoves.

Suddenly a silhouette appeared in the mist at the far end of the bath. I was unsure why a servant would be disturbing me, yet I could not force myself to care. Resolved to ignore the stranger in the hopes that they would leave I slowly put my head back down. Before I reached the marble, however, the person stepped closer. Yet it was not a servant, but a woman, a beautiful young woman.

She was wearing a white linen wrap that hugged her body, no doubt due to the steam in the room. My mind was so lost in trying to figure out why she was here that I did not see her remove the robe. She slowly pulled the brooch from her shoulder, the fabric slowly sliding down her body, pooling on the floor. The woman was now completely naked before me.

My mouth opened to protest yet my brain obviously stopped it as nothing came out.

She slowly descended into the bath, her long legs slowly making their way into the water. My eyes traveled up to her face. She was beautiful; her long brown hair framing her heart shaped face. Her skin was milky white, no doubt she was well taken care of. Slaves were often bronzed from long hours in the sun. As she came closer I noticed her lips and the shape of her nose. But it was her eyes that drew me in the most. They were brown, yet the gold reflected in the edges made them stunning. My eyes began their descent down and I was faced with a pair of perfect breasts. The nipples were pink and taut; I wanted so desperately to taste them. I could feel myself harden. It had been a long time since I had been with a woman. Far too long. Continuing my inspection I came to her sex and its soft brown curls. She was close enough that I could reach out and touch her.

Yet I hesitated. Puzzled.

I was unsure as to why she was here and what she wanted, however my body was absolutely sure what it wanted. I was now completely erect and was eternally grateful for the mist. I did not want her to see my all too obvious reaction to her presence.

Gathering the will to speak I said, “I was told I would be undisturbed for the hour, was I misinformed?”

She bit her lip, almost as if she was afraid or nervous.

“No, Edward, I have been waiting for you to come to Rome for a long time.” I was stunned. She knew my name and it barley registered that she had said anything else.

“How do you know my name? What do you mean you have been waiting for me?” I silently wish away my erection as I needed all the focus to be in my head at the moment.

“I am sorry,” she said shyly. “I thought you would remember me, my name is Isabella.”

I looked at her more closely and found I recognized her features. They were sharper, older, but I knew them well.

“Charles Daughter?” She nodded and I was stunned.

“Princess, is that you?”

I had not seen her for close to two years; she had grown up in that time, and all in a very good way. I had been betrothed to her, Charles wanted a husband he could trust and loved like a son. I was unworthy yet he had chosen me to wed Isabella. It was part of the reason James had ordered my execution; he had an unnatural obsession with her. Although she was a princess and a daughter of Rome, he would not allow her to marry.

“Yes Edward, it’s me. I have waited for you since you disappeared. Hoping one day you would return to me.”

“But, Princess, I am a slave and as such my life is worth nothing. I will most likely die tomorrow. How could you want my love knowing I would only hurt you?” I protested

She smiled, and it was beautiful.

“Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur?” she whispered, “then we must make the most of tonight. Touch me Edward,” she pled as I moved to stand.

My resolve completely gone, I reached up and tentatively stroked her stomach; it felt so smooth under my coarse fingers. Feeling braver I let my hands feel their way up to her breasts. They were firm yet soft, and perfectly shaped. I ran my finger over her nipple causing it to harden, earning a small sigh from the goddess in front of me.

“Mei amor”, I murmured reverently.

Leaning forward, I brought her breast to my lips, carefully memorizing every part with my mouth and tongue. If this was to be my last night on earth, I was going to make the most of it. After giving each breast the attention they deserved, I wrapped my hands around her waist and pulled her down into the water, placing her on my lap.

I could take her now, but she deserved to be worshiped like the goddess she was.

I needed to taste her lips. Carefully placing both hands on the sides of her face I drew her lips to mine.

Slowly and softly I caressed them.

The feeling was exhilarating; I could feel the passion that flowed between us. She opened her mouth to grant me access and I slowly tasted her.

Is eram Olympus...?

She wrapped her arms around my neck and, bringing her lips to my ear, she whispered, “It is time mei amor, make me yours.”

I positioned myself at her entrance and slowly began to push inside. She was tight. Too tight. I was not going to be able to fit. I pulled out and tried again. After several failed attempts I realized she was still pure and untouched. I felt stupid for not realizing this sooner. About to protest, she cut me off.

“Edward, I want our bodies to be one. I have waited for you; please give me what I desire.”

With that I was undone. I lifted her up high in the water, bringing her down hard, impaling her on my hard body. She let out a scream and bit my shoulder, no doubt from the pain.

She was warm and tight and I felt like I had died and gone to Elysium.

She had given herself to me, she was mine.

I began to slowly rock inside of her, nothing else mattered in this moment. Neither the past nor the future.

It was only us.

Her breathing was labored; I could tell she was enjoying the sensations. I began moving faster, knowing I would not last; it had been far too long.

I screamed her name as I came in her tiny body.

She looked up at me, unshed tears swimming in her eyes.

“Thank you Edward, it has been a long time since I felt loved.”

We held onto each other and spoke of the future.

Mine was still uncertain.

Tomorrow I was to fight an unknown opponent. Usually they were forthcoming with information but this one was kept a secret for some reason. Not that it mattered, it was all the same in the end.

With promises and vows, Bella finally left.

I was lost in my own thoughts, even If I was to win my freedom we could never marry.

James would not allow it.

I slept fitfully that night knowing I would be going to my death. Yet I still could not bring myself to regret anything.

The Coliseum

I was preparing for the match, following my routine of dressing and praying to the gods.

I knew they were fickle in their answers but it could never hurt to ask. After I donned my mask, and sword, I entered the paddock and was hoisted up to the arena. The cheers were deafening. I looked around for some clue as to what I would be facing, but there was nothing.

I walked toward the canopy where the Emperor sat. I looked up and saw Isabella seated to his right. Her expression gave nothing away, but I could see in her eyes she feared for me. Suddenly another paddock was hoisted and my opponent entered the ring. He walked toward me and we both turned to face the Emperor.

“Ave caesar! Morituri te salutamus!” We both saluted the Emperor, before turning to face each other.

With every match I followed the same routine. It was a way to calm my body and mind. I reached down and grabbed some earth, softly feeling the texture with my fingers, before letting it drop gently to the ground. I dusted off my hands and reached for my sword. With one final breath I readied myself.

I raised my sword and uttered,“Aut vincere aut mori.”

They were the words of an emperor but I carried them with me always.

With that my opponent leapt savagely at me, his sword slashing inches from my chest. I was able to deflect him and used his size to knock him off balance. He quickly recovered and came at me, our swords meeting in a never ending symphony of clashes. The metal meeting created that life altering sound, knowing that one mistake could mean flesh instead of metal. I willed my mind to stay alert of the dangers which at any moment could appear.

After what seemed an eternity, I heard a new sound; the faint groaning of ancient chains and wood. I knew that this meant they were going to release animals into the arena. Acting on instinct I switched my position at the last moment causing my opponent to be directly in line from where the beast would make its entrance. It would all come down to how long they decided to make its chain. Within seconds I had my answer, and the animal was released.

It was a tiger, and from the look on its face, it had been starved for weeks.

My opponent was caught off guard and yelled as the tiger leapt onto his back gnawing savagely at his face. The man was dead in seconds.

It was over, I had won.

I turned to walk back to where the emperor was seated and found his seat empty. Isabella’s expression was one of fear; I felt a chill run through my blood. This could only mean one thing, The Emperor wanted to reward me. I would have to remove my mask, and expose my true identity.

The gates beneath the royal canopy suddenly opened. The royal guard, followed by the Emperor himself, flooded into the arena.

I was unsure how I would make it out alive.

I looked to see Isabella one last time, if I was to die I wanted her face with me as I passed into the fields of Elysium. As James approached I knew what I had to do, for Isabella and for Rome.

I kept the helmet on to hide my face and waited, my face turned ever so slightly. As he approached the crowed cheered loudly.
“Slave approach, the Emperor would like to greet Rome’s greatest gladiator,” he bellowed.

The crowd’s cheers were reaching a deafening pitch.

“Remove your helmet Gladiator, I would like to see your face,” the Emperor commanded.

I looked down and slowly removed my helmet. I lifted my head to face him; the shock on his face was evident in every feature.

“Edward?” he whispered, frightened. Good let him be scared; I had no intention of leaving this arena before one of us was dead.

“Aut vincere aut mori, Caesar,” I bellowed ominously.

My words seemed to momentarily confuse him, until recognition dawned on his features.

“That’s right James, I know you are the reason your father is dead, causing me to live the past two years of my life as a slave. Did you think that would go unpunished? I have every intention of fulfilling the vow I made to your father.”

James began to retreat, no doubt to run back to the safety of his box. The soldiers, however, had other plans as they were once loyal to me, and apparently still were. They closed the gap, preventing James’s escape.

“I am Caesar!” he screamed. “How could you dishonor your emperor this way? Let me through!” His plea’s fell on deaf ears, apparently they were all too happy to give me my shot.

I drew my sword, and with that James turned and drew his. With one last look at Isabella, I said a silent prayer to the gods.

“You will not look at her!” he spat. “She is mine.”

What!?

“Enough, James, this obsession of yours is disgusting, it ends now.”

With that I charged at him. I had trained in combat my whole life; it was what I excelled at, but being trained as a gladiator gave me so much more. I was stealthy and quick on my feet. James was meeting my blows, but with each passing one the force behind them seemed to wane. Soon enough he would tire and I could render the final blow. After what seemed like ages, I was able to knock away his sword, leaving him defenseless in front of me. James ran screaming to the guards to give him a sword. They all stared at him without pity in their eyes as Jasper, my old friend, stepped forward.

“Sheath your swords!” he bellowed

James looked at him with a murderous expression; he knew his treachery would not go unpunished.

I turned to pick up his sword and he charged at me with a small dagger. I was not prepared and the small blade pierced my side. It was not deep, but the pain was so intense I could hardly breathe. I turned to face him and with all the strength I could muster I thrust my sword into his chest. It was a fatal blow and I watched as his body slumped forward. His final breaths coming out in a fitful cough.

“Vestri fatum est sigillum, James.” And with that he took his last breath.

I could feel the blood oozing from the wound at my side, the arena before me beginning to spin. I suddenly felt a small tug but I was sure it was just my imagination. I could hear someone yelling my name but through the thick fog I could not place it. My knees buckled and I fell to the earth. Although I was loath to leave her behind I knew she was finally safe.

So faint it was almost a whisper, I heard clear as day the voice I would know anywhere.

“Adveho tergum volo, mei amor.” Her pleas were laced with sobs.

Finding the will, I uttered, “For you, mei amor, I will always find a way.”

With whatever strength I had left I was able to focus on her beautiful face. Tears were streaming down her face; I wanted to kiss them away. I concentrated on moving my arms and legs, slowly standing. She held on tightly to my side. I looked at her with a smile, the battle was over. We held onto each other, looking out over the cheering crowd. Bella raised her arm, and with a defiant look, she shouted.

“Ave Caesar!”

The crowd erupted into cheers and I was shocked. I looked to the sky and thanked the fates and whichever gods were listening for giving me a second chance at life.

“Charles is at peace now, Isabella.” I looked into her beautiful eyes.

“Yes, and he would be proud of you, Edward. Come, let us go home.”

We exited the arena together, arm in arm. Our fates now forever intertwined.

Terminus


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Latin translations:

An nescis, mi fili, quantilla sapientia mundus regatur? - Don't you know then, my son, how little wisdom rules the world?

Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur - We choose to love, we do not choose to cease loving.

Is eram Olympus- this was heaven

Ave Caesar! Morituri te salutamus - Hail Caesar! We who are about to die salute you. (gladiators before the fight)

Aut vincere aut mori - Either conquer or die

vestri fatum est sigillum - Your fate is sealed

Adveho tergum volo, mei amor. - Come back to me, my love.

Mei amor- My love

Ave Caesar- Hail Caesar!

Terminus- The End

Duty and Desire chapter 20: Healing

I do not own Twilight or Pride and Prejudice.





Memories- Within Temptation

“Made me promise I'd try
To find my way back in this life.
I hope there is a way
To give me a sign you're ok.
Reminds me again it's worth it all
So I can go home.”

After a rather long silence, Jasper could only shake his head incredulously.

“Edward, are you telling me that you made an offer of marriage to Miss Isabella? And that she refused you?”

“Yes,” I moaned, as the weight of what he said made my heart break once more.

“I suppose your timing wasn’t the best; she seemed to be in very low spirits when we parted.”

I began laughing, but it sounded more like a cough.

“Ah, yes, your assistance. Though it is no fault of yours, you happened to inform Isabella that I had separated her sister from Mr. McCarty.”

Jasper's eye’s widened as he realized the severity of what I had done.

“Oh, Edward, I am deeply sorry, but that would explain why she suddenly took ill that day.” He did truly look sorry. Though he had no reason to be, the fault was entirely mine.

“I know my friend, but the fault lies with me. I went to her so sure of her feelings. I expected to propose and that she would accept me. I couldn’t have been more wrong.”

I rubbed my temples as I went back and thought through our encounter. Her words once again pierced me in a most painful way.

“I will confess I was surprised by your proposal. I expected an offer of a very different nature. I expected by your continued behavior that you wanted nothing more from me than to be your distraction, or worse, your mistress.”

“And those are the words of a gentleman? You are mistaken, Mr. Masen. The mode of your declaration merely spared me any concern in refusing you had you behaved in a more gentlemanly manner.”

“I suppose I owe you an explanation but I am not sure I am able to form the words.”

“Edward, it is Alice you owe an explanation to. Do you not realize that she blames herself for your current state? She believes she disappointed you somehow.”

This caught my attention immediately. “What? Why? She has never disappointed me.”

“Yes, I know Edward, but does she know this?”

I groaned into my hands, my head was splitting; this conversation was going from bad to worse.

“That can wait until later.” His eyes bore into mine, “Right now I need you to tell me what happened to you and Miss Isabella that would plunge you into such dangerous and destructive behavior.”

Closing my eyes, I thought of where best to begin.

“After I found out she was ill, I went in search of her immediately. I was set on asking her to marry me…”

I drew a slow breath before continuing.

“I explained my reservations to the match, the struggles I had gone through before deciding to pursue her. How I had come to love her completely…”

I dropped my head, and rubbed my temples, willing the pain away.

“I just don’t understand, I really thought she felt the same. How could I have been so wrong?”

Jasper stared at me with an incredulous stare and then finally, he began to laugh.

“I am glad you are able to find humor in my suffering.” I murmured.

“Edward, only you would try to propose to a girl by informing her of just how unsuitable she was before telling her you loved her.”

What? Had I really done that? Isabella words once again came to my mind.

“I am sure the feelings, which as you said hindered your regard, will help you in overcoming it.”

“However, I have always sworn I would only marry for love. Why would I marry a man who can barely justify his reasons for wanting me in the first place?”

Oh, Lord… I had…

“You’re not helping,” I mumbled completely ashamed.

His expression softened.

“In all honesty, I have never seen you like this, Edward. Not even after your Mother or Father passed away. I do not doubt your sincerity; I believe you truly love this woman. The question is why did she reject you?”

“The list is rather long, are you sure you have enough time?”

His brow furrowed as if he thought I jested.

“Besides the fact that I ruined her sister’s happiness forever... I am a proud, conceited, disagreeable man, who wants everyone to be as miserable as I am. I use and abuse people at my will, with no thought to the feelings of others.” I exhaled defeated, her reproofs were harsh and had stung considerably, but my actions had led to those conclusions. It was ironic really that everything I had done to protect my sister and Isabella from Wickham would end up coming back to haunt me.

I continued, my words laced with bitterness. “In the eyes of Isabella, I am an unfeeling monster who has ruined Wickham’s life.”

Jasper hissed as he exhaled sharply. “Wickham! What has he to do with this?”

“Everything, well not everything, but the bastard was telling Isabella I had cheated him out of his inheritance, and separated him from Alice. He poisoned her mind against me. I never had a chance.”

“What?!” He roared. “He has the gall to spread falsehoods about you and Alice after what he did?” His eyes were colder than I had ever seen them.

I had heard many times that Jasper had a calm collective to his emotions on the battlefield. Something that the other officers respected, it made him a terrifying opponent. I was sure that if Wickham was within a mile of here, he would be dead.

“Trust me, my friend; I thought I had taken care of the situation. Now I fear I only gave him more reason to spread his lies.”

“That does not excuse what he has done.” His anger far from abated.

“No, Jasper, it doesn’t, but there is little I can do at this point. I will not expose him, bringing Alice’s reputation into question. Though if I ever have the good fortune to meet with him again, I will not hesitate to finish what I should have months ago.”

The cold fury in Jasper's eyes began to ebb but I could sense this was not the last we would speak of this. Jasper was loyal to his family and this crossed the line. Wickham would pay dearly if he had any say in the matter.

“What will you do now?”

“I honestly don’t know. I will never love another like I love Isabella but she despises me. I fear my only course, at present, is to make restitution to those I have wronged, starting with Alice.”

Jasper smiled, though it was measured. “I think that is a good plan, but would be best after you have sobered...and," he sniffed the air before adding, “…had a bath.”

I looked at my appearance, glancing down at my clothing, rumpled and stained. I didn’t have a mirror, but could only imagine the frightful state of my hair and face. I rubbed my cheeks and felt stubble that was well over a week gone. I am sure I looked positively wild.

I could only imagine the horrible criticism my appearance would illicit from the Harpy. I started laughing, it hurt my head but I was unable to stop. The irony was too great.

Jasper looked a little relived, “and now it is my turn to ask, what you find so humorous, though if it has to do with your appearance I will have to agree.”

“A passing thought, but have no fear I will bathe, dress and talk with Alice. The bath will give me time to reflect on how to make amends.”

Jasper placed his hand gently on my shoulder, “You are a good man, Edward, perhaps you were given too much responsibility at such a young age, but you have always been a good man.”

I only nodded; the emotions were threatening to break through. It was time like these that I could feel my father’s presence, and longed for his counsel.

~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~

After a much needed bath and fresh clothing, I went in search of Alice.

I found her in the music room. I stopped outside the door to listen, as she played our father's favorite. The melody was the same but the feeling was different. There was an undercurrent of sadness in the notes, the once pleasant melody was now laced with sorrow and uncertainty.

I had caused this. My selfishness had hurt those I cared for the most.

I walked into the room slowly, not wanting to startle her. I placed my hand on her shoulder, and the playing stopped immediately. Alice turned slowly, her face fixed on the floor. I gently raised her chin.

“Come with me, Alice. I believe I owe you an apology, as well as an explanation.”

She nodded and stood following me over to the sofa.

“Alice," I swallowed hard trying to keep my emotions in check. "I want to beg your forgiveness. You did not deserve the treatment you have received at my hands as of late. I am ashamed of my actions and how they have hurt you.”

She placed her hand tentatively on my cheek. “Edward, there is nothing to forgive, especially after you forgave my indiscretion.”

She dropped her head slightly in an effort to hide the tears that were falling softly down her cheeks.

“What do you mean your indiscretion, Alice? Surely you do not blame yourself for what that...that…bastard tried to do to you?”

She nodded and burst into tears.

I pulled her to me and held her as she wept into my coat. We sat there for a time; I held her, attempting to calm her.

Finally, she quieted and I attempted to broach the subject once more, but Alice spoke first.

“I cannot help but think I must have done something to lead him to believe I wanted him. How could he otherwise have been so mistaken? I cannot believe anyone could be so purposefully malicious.”

I held her face and stroked the tears away with my thumbs.

“Alice, James attempted to extort money from me more times than I can count.”

She gasped, shocked.

“I know, dearest, I never thought he would stoop so low as to attempt what he did simply for money. But I have a feeling there was more to it. I am sorry I have not been as forth coming with you about my past with James. But I felt it was better left in the past.”

“Edward, I am no longer a child.”

“I know, Alice, but Father left you in my charge.” I felt the tears threatening to fall. "He placed the responsibility of your happiness and well being in my hands and...I failed him…utterly."

I choked out, "I will never forgive myself."

She shook her head sadly.

“No, Edward, you and Jasper are my guardians, it was the circumstances and my choices that led to what happened. If you had not cared enough to come check on me..." She trailed off unable to finish.

"Don't, Alice, do not even think it. It’s in the past, let us leave it there."

"But Edward, how can I leave it in the past when clearly you can't either? As brother and sister we must rely on one another. So enough about me, I would like to be there for you now, as you were there for me.” Her eyes were pleading.

“Please tell me what caused you to become so despondent.”

I looked at my sister, who had always been a little girl in my eyes and now I saw a woman. I cursed Wickham for forcing her too soon to know the harsh realities of this life. But as I looked closer, I saw a new confidence that was not there before. I had always had her trust and now she was asking the same of me.

I took a deep breath, “Her name is Miss Isabella Swan, and I love her more than my own life.”

She smiled brightly; she probably assumed I would never marry. “Will I get to meet her soon? I should dearly like to make Miss Isabella’s acquaintance.”

I shook my head sadly, “Ah, my dear, but I am afraid this tale does not have a happy ending.”

Her brows knit together ever so slightly.

I paused, trying to form the words to best explain what had happened.

“Through a series of circumstances, many of my own doing, Miss Isabella came to have a rather poor opinion of my character.”

“You mean she dislikes you?”

“Utterly.” I admitted.

“Your arrogance, conceit, and selfish disdain of the feelings of others.”

“I had not known you for a month, before I was convinced you were the last man in the world whom I could ever be prevailed upon to marry.”

“But that makes no sense, Edward. You have always been a kind generous man who thinks of everyone but himself. No! She must have been mistaken.”

I groaned internally, this was not going as planned. I really had no desire to impart all the painful details of the past month. It was too much and I was emotionally spent.

“No dearest, I am afraid she formed her opinion from many different sources.”

She sat there patiently, and I realized she would not let me get away. We sat there in the music room for the better part of an hour. I told her what happened in Hertfordshire, as well as Kent. She listened intently, allowing me to finish without interruption.

"So you see, I ruined everything with my pride." I was ashamed and all my emotions felt raw.

She looked at me thoughtfully before answering.

"What do you plan to do about it?" She asked, as if the solution was simple.

"I don't know, Alice; time I suppose is what I need."

She placed her finger on her cheek, and had a thoughtful look in her eye. I knew that look. "I have a feeling you should go see Mr. McCarty."

I smiled, "Yes, I was planning on meeting him later at the club."

"Excellent! I am glad to see you smile. Never do that to me again, Edward." Though her tone was teasing, I could see the pain I had caused her.

I leaned forward and kissed her cheek. "I promise, Alice."

~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~

I felt stifled as I made my way through the club, it had been awhile since I had been in company. I approached the table where Emmett sat waiting for me. His back was to me, but his shoulders looked slumped.

"Emmett,” I addressed him with as much enthusiasm as I could muster.

"Edward," he greeted me enthusiastically. I felt some hope that maybe he was happy after all.

"It’s been a long time my friend; where have you kept yourself hidden these past months?"

"I was visiting my Aunt in Kent, and then returned to London."

He smiled, but it wasn't the same. "I'm glad to hear it."

I nodded, but really couldn’t think of anything else to say. It was awkward.

"It’s been damn dull around here, so you really haven't missed anything."

"Have you been to the theater? Or are you just making the rounds at the usual clubs?"

He took a drink from his glass, before responding.

"I'm not sure why, but I haven't fell like doing much of anything. I had hoped by this time I would be..."

He trailed off, but it was too late. I knew exactly what he inferred and it cut me deeply.

I had hurt him, and now had no clue how to fix things. I could tell him everything, but I doubted Miss Swan's opinion of my friend would be very friendly after the way things were left. I wasn't sure how much of our conversation Isabella would impart to her, but I doubted she would let her sister within a fifty mile radius of my friend.

We sat quietly for a time, I was desperately thinking of anything that could brighten his mood.

"Emmett, would you like to accompany Alice and me to Pemberley? We leave in a few weeks and I would be honored to have you as my guest."

I knew I would have to tell him about my part in separating him and Miss Swan but I couldn't face his ire right now.

"I am supposed to escort Tanya and Lauren up to Scarborough. Mr. Crowley will be joining us later."

This proved to complicate things immensely.

He sighed and looked even more defeated. "Thank you for the offer, Edward."

I needed to make restitution, even though I was too much of a coward to tell him the whole sorted tale. I knew that it would enrage him to no end when he found out the details behind what Royce King had done, not to mention the guilt that would bring for his treatment of her.

I promised myself I would make it up to my friend. I swallowed, Lord I can't believe I was really going to say this.

"Emmett," I swallowed the bile that was creeping up my throat. "You may extend the invitation to your sisters, I would be...happy to have them as my guests as well."

"You mean it?" He asked curiously, "Edward, I know you can't stand Tanya."

"Yes, but you are my friend; I am willing to have her in my home, if that is what it takes." It was unbearable, but I was able to will myself not to break into a cold sweat at the thought of The Harpy in my home.

"You areserious," his expression was one of shock. "Very well, I will ask Tanya and Lauren if they will be amenable to breaking the trip at Pemberley for a few weeks before we head onto Scarborough."

He looked at and smiled, "Although I can safely say nothing short of the death would keep Tanya from seeing Pemberley."

I groaned audibly, and Emmett laughed heartily.

I may have to suffer in those weeks but to see my friend laugh and smile was worth whatever discomfort having her in my home would bring. It was a large home and I could avoid her easily.

We parted and I felt things were going to be okay. I promised to send him a message as soon as possible with the details of our departure. He, in return, promised to write and let me know if the ladies were willing to make the change in their plans.

Lord have mercy on me.

~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~

The sun was high as I tried to adjust my eyes. I looked around at where I was. I was in Derbyshire, near my home. The familiar landscape was comforting as I looked at the rocks and mountains I called home.

I was nearing a favorite overlook of mine, when I spotted someone standing on the cliff in the distance. The wind was whipping wildly at her dress, the fabric swayed helplessly in its wake. Her hair was sweeping across her face as she continued to look out toward the valley. Her arms were still at her sides. I wanted to get closer to see who this person was, but I couldn't move.

I continued to watch her as she just stood there, unmoving. Finally, I found the will to approach her.

When I was with in reach, I stretched out my arm to touch her but before my hands could connect with her, she disappeared.

As she faded she turned her head slightly reviling those familiar features that haunted my dreams, it was Isabella and I swore there were tears on her face.

I awoke in a cold sweat. I had not had a nightmare in several weeks and it unsettled me. I intended to depart for Pemberley today; my journey would take me past that same cliff side.

We breakfasted, and I oversaw the final loading of the carriages. In an effort to assist in whatever way he could, Emmett offered to take the ladies separate and meet us at the Inn where we would break for lunch and change horses. I shuddered again at the thought of Tanya's excitement over her invitation to my home. When Emmett's letter had come he tried to calmly describe the grave I had now dug for myself.

She misinterpreted it as an invitation to something more with me, no matter the amount of times Emmett explained to her that she was merely a guest she would not listen. Alice had been surprisingly unaffected by the news, she was proud of me for doing what I needed to make my friend happy and promised to head her off when necessary. I still feel a cold feeling a dread in the pit of my stomach. I would be sure to lock my bedroom door each night.

We set off; I sat in the carriage with Alice to keep her company. She rested her head on my shoulder, and I looked out the window. Alice soon drifted to sleep and as she rested, I contemplated everything that had happened since Hertfordshire.

I longed to be able to talk to my father.

I longed to ask for Isabella's forgiveness.

Regret was a harsh mistress.

We were approaching the Inn and I saw Emmett's carriage out front. I was surprised that they had made good time. I didn't think it would be possible for Emmett to leave London 'til well after mid-morning.

The carriage came to a stop, and I roused Alice who woke easily.

"Have we arrived already?" She asked sleepily.

"Yes, you looked so peaceful; I didn't have the heart to wake you. Come, let’s get you some lunch."

She smiled, and I helped her from the carriage.

We stepped into the Inn and were immediately assaulted by an overwhelming odor.

The Harpy.

"Edward!" She shrieked, finally. "We have been so worried."

I looked at Emmett, who was suppressing a chuckle. I looked around at the establishment, curious eyes were looking in our direction. I was well known at this Inn, as I broke my journeys here when traveling to and from Pemberley. I could not have any rumors or confusion where Tanya was concerned.

"Excuse us, Miss McCarty, I would ask you again to address me as Mr. Masen. My sister and I require food after our journey; please excuse us.

I walked by Emmett, whispering. "Please control her, it would not due for rumors to start spreading because of her lack of decorum."

He smiled a small smile, "I will try but you know how she is."

I nodded and went to seat Alice.

"Edward, my carriage had a bit of trouble, and I fear it will be several hours before it will be fit for travel."

"Mr. Masen?" I turned to find the old innkeeper with a letter in his hand. "A letter arrived this morning, sir."

I took the letter, thanked him, and looked back at Emmett. "Give me a moment to read this and we will figure out what is best to be done."

I sat down and began reading the letter, which was from my Steward. Apparently, there was a problem on the estate which required my attention immediately.

I could arrange for Emmett to escort my sister in the morning after repairs had been made to the carriage. It would enable me to ride ahead on Blackjack resolving the matter before my guests arrived.

As I went through the plan in my head, Alice interrupted me.

"Edward, what did the letter say?"

"There is a problem on the estate that requires my immediate attention. Would you be willing to stay until the McCarty's carriage is repaired?"

"Of course, Edward, would that be in the morning?"

"Yes, Mr. McCarty will ride with you. I would not leave you to spend hours inside a carriage with his sisters."

She mouthed a thank you.

I went in search of Emmett who was outside.

"Emmett...” the Harpy whined, “Why must you be so cruel? You are not helping my chances, brother." I shuddered at her meaning.

"Tanya, we have been through this. Mr. Masen has no interest in you, please stop embarrassing my friend. He was gracious to invite you to his home."

I made my presence known, The Harpy colored and Emmett shook his head at my timing.

"Emmett, it appears there is a matter of urgent business that requires me at Pemberley this afternoon. I have spoken to Alice and am asking if you would escort her to Pemberley in the morning. You will ride in my carriage, along with her maid. Will that be agreeable?"

Tanya interrupted, "But Edward,” I blanched at her continued use of my name. “Would not Lauren and I be vastly better company for your sister than my brother?" she said in a simpering voice.

"No, I believe your brother will suit just fine." My tone told her the matter was final.

She huffed and stomped off.

Emmett shook his head laughing, "She will never change; I am so sorry, Edward."

"I understand." Even though I really didn’t, how could a woman be so persistent after receiving no encouragement?

"I would be honored, Edward, to escort your sister home. We will see you tomorrow, safe travels."

I shook his hand and went in search of Blackjack.

~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~

I rode the familiar road at a steady pace. It wasn't far now 'til I would be at Pemberley.

I passed the same cliff from my dream. It was unsettling to think of Isabella being so near to my home. I thought of stopping, but knew I need to move on. It would do no good to dwell on a past I couldn't change.

All I could hope for was that she had read my letter and that it had softened her hatred of me. I could also correct those errors she had brought to my attention and try to make myself worthy of her.

I entered the edge of the Pemberley estate, I would know these woods anywhere. The summer cast it in a brilliant green, the recent rains had given the grass a lush color. I looked ahead and saw the house in view; I was almost home. Truthfully, I was happy to be home. I felt the first true feeling of peace in months.

The day had grown warm and I was excessively hot and tired. The lake on the edge of the property beckoned me. Deciding I had time to swim, I maneuvered Blackjack toward the shore. I dismounted and left him to graze.

I walked to the edge of the lake and looked out at the water. It was clear with no wake upon the surface. Memories from childhood flooded my mind. It was here my Father taught me to fish. He loved the simple beauty of nature. How fragile and dependent it was on those things around it. I sat on the grass and removed my jacket and vest, before pulling off my boots and stockings. I reached up to my neck and began loosening my neck cloth, after untangling it, I opened my shirt exposing my chest. Though warm, the air felt good upon my bare skin. I stood and walked toward the water, stepping in to test the temperature. I was pleased with how refreshing it felt on my feet. Taking a deep breath, I dove into the water. The chilled water hit my body and I was momentarily taken aback. Righting myself, I reached forward and pulled my arms back propelling myself forward. Looking around I saw the marine life swimming away hastily. If I wasn’t underwater I would have laughed. Soon, I came up for air, the water had cooled my body considerably. Knowing I had little time to spare, I swam back to shore.

My breaches and shirt were soaked and clung to my body, I was just thankful my boots and stockings were dry. I decided to forgo the neck cloth, the state of my shirt would not have allowed it even if I had wished to put it back on.

I remounted Blackjack who seemed put out when I tore him away from the grass he was eating. I soothed him with the promise of oats when we arrived. I approached the stables and slowed Blackjack to a walk. A stable boy noticing his master had returned rush out to assist me.

I dismounted and handed him the reins.

"Sir? We did not expect you until tomorrow. Be sure to take care entering the house, I believe there were visitors viewing the house earlier."

"Oh?" I had no desire to entertain visitors especially in my current state of dress. "I will go in through the back, thank you."

He smiled, and I walked out of the stable toward the back entrance to the house. Walking through my mother’s iris garden, I noticed the flowers were all in full bloom, each a brilliant hue of purple, white and blue. A blanket of ivy lined the outer walls of the garden.

I was about to turn the corner, which would take me to the back entrance, when I heard the unmistakable crunch of gravel.

I froze, the visitors were probably viewing the garden. Perhaps if I backed up and went another way, I could avoid them.

I stood rooted to my spot when a woman rounded the corner. She was looking at the flowers, when she turned her head, her eyes locked with mine.

My world stopped when she whispered,

"Mr. Masen."

Duty and Desire chapter 19: Broken

I do not own twilight or Pride and Prejudice




Dreams are often the result of wish fulfillment. I would give anything for my dreams to come true.

Rays of sunlight filtered through slits in the dark curtains in the room, the offending light pierced my eyes. A slight breeze floated through the open windows, causing the drapes to flutter back and forth.

Groaning, I attempted to lift my head, but was unable.

Where am I?

There was a faint buzz in my ears, but I was unable to make it out.

And what is that terrible smell? The putrid stench of sweat and the stale aroma of alcohol permeated the air. With what felt like all the strength I possessed, I slowly opened my eyes. Through my hazy vision, I took in the room’s contents. It was vaguely familiar; however, I was having a hard time placing where I was.

“Been in…for…”

The sounds were becoming more distinct, even though they sounded like I was hearing them from under water.

I lifted my head slowly, discovering the pounding in my skull was intense. Have I been beaten and left for dead?

Once my head was up, I sat in what I concluded was a chair and looked again at my surroundings. I was sitting at a desk, surrounded by several empty bottles and one glass.

I was in my study, in my London home.

But why was I surrounded by several empty liquor bottles?

“Please…talk….worried.”

I looked towards the door, where the voices were coming from. I thought about standing up and going to investigate, however my stomach had other ideas. The thought of moving in any form was nauseating.

A knock came. The sound sent my head pounding.

I looked up to see a grim faced Jasper walk through and shut the door quietly.

He carried a tray, and from what I could tell, it had what I hoped was coffee.

“Edward.” He acknowledged.

I was confused. Why is Jasper here? At this hour? I was still trying to figure out why I fell asleep in my study.

“Jasper, why are you here? I told you I would explain when I returned to London, but I didn’t mean the next day.”

Jasper gasped. “Edward, what do you mean, ‘the next day?’”

“I meantI would contact you a few days after returning from Rosings.” This was getting ridiculous and my patience was wearing thin with my massive headache.

“Edward, it’s been a month.” He looked at my with pity; as if I had lost my mind.

A month!

“Pardon? I don’t think I heard you correctly. You said a month?”

“Yes! Dammit, Edward, I was here last night. Do you not remember anything?”

Last night?

“I can see that you don’t.” He continued. “I suggest you sip on this and attempt to clear you head. I will be back within an hour. You have a sister who needs to be calmed down who is in hysterics over your recent behavior.”

That got my immediate attention.

“Alice? What’s wrong? What happened?”

“You, Edward! You returned from Rosings a completely different person. In the past several weeks you have managed to terrify your sister and make an absolute ass of yourself. Drink this, clear your head, then, we will have a serious discussion when I return.”

He turned and walked straight for the door, not pausing once to see my reaction. If he did he would have seen my absolute stunned expression.

I picked up the steaming cup, inhaling the aroma, before tasting.

Ugh, it was absolutely disgusting.

No doubt, it was one of Jasper’s many concoctions for ridding oneself of a hangover. It seemed years of wisdom were passed down the ranks. It would not do for a soldier to show up to battle inebriated or suffering the effects of too much libation.

The vile liquid slid down my throat, burning as it made its way down. I fought every urge to regurgitate the awful stuff.

After a time my head began clearing and the pounding eased some. I tried to think about what had happened. However, thinking only brought back to pounding in my temples.

I tried to think of the last memory I had after Rosings.

Rosings…Isabella…

“No…what have I done?” I whimpered, as a stream of memories flooded my mind.

~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~

I arrived in London at record pace. I had stopped just long enough to water feed and properly rest Blackjack. Had I not been so desperate to put as much distance between us, I would never have dreamed of putting so much strain on my horse.

I entered my town home and went straight to my chambers.

Reaching for the bottle of brandy, I immediately threw back a full glass. The amber liquid burned, but the soothing numbness it brought was welcomed.

My valet and servants came and went, each informing me of visitors wishing to speak with me.

All were turned away. I had no desire for company.

I even denied Alice admittance, something I had never done.

In one of my more lucid moments, I sent a message to Jasper, informing him that I was not able to speak with him at this time. It turned out that he was to report to the Major general and would be gone for several weeks. I would be spared the horrid pain that would accompany the discussion I owed him.

I awoke and found the liquor store in my private stock had been exhausted; I would need to venture out.

I decided I needed to get out for a time. The fresh air would no doubt do me good.

I bathed and dressed for the first time in... I was unsure how long.

My time outside was unhelpful. As I walked through the park, I was greeted with the site of happy couples, and children. Everything I desperately wanted, and now would never have.

I returned even more desperate than when I had left.

It seemed like I was suffocating. I had not even felt this way when my father or mother had passed. The pain was just too much.

I stepped into the house, only to be met by a very concerned Alice.

“Edward, finally. Why have you been hiding? Were you ill?”

I shook my head; I could not even bear to speak to her.

I continued walking, without so much as looking in her direction.

I locked myself away in my chambers.

Glass in hand; I sat on my window ledge, watching as the sun slowly dipped below the horizon. Though it was cold near the glass, the comfort from the brandy warmed my body. The moon began to rise and I was bathed with its light.

I awoke folded in an uncomfortable position in front of the window, I suppose I had not even bothered to move. Feeling tried and sluggish, I decided I needed exercise. It had been a long time since I had visited the fencing house.

Upon arriving, I was confused by the incredulous stares I was attracting. Why were people looking at me as I were a stranger that did not belong?

“Sir?” I turned to see the master.

I turned and saw master Giovanni, looking at me as if he did not even know me.

“I apologize for the length of time between visits, I was tied up with…business.” I managed to push the bile that was threading to come forth with such a lie.

“Very well, Mr. Masen, but you do not look well. Are you sure you able to exert yourself today?”

I became irritated with the man questioning me.

“I would not be here if that was not the case,” I snapped before I realized what a horrible thing that was to say. “I am sorry, master Giovanni; I have been under a lot of stress and just need to unwind.”

“Very well.” He conceded, but I could tell he was not happy.

We begun and I threw myself into the movements. The exercise was beneficial, for it distracted me from thoughts of Isabella.

I wondered if she had read the letter. What she thought of my conduct toward Wickham.

Wickham!

I was barely able to think straight when my thoughts turned to him. The utter rage and fury consumed me. What he had done was unconscionable.

I was unsure if my sword was enough. I would choke the life out of him with my bare hands. Watch the light leave his eyes with satisfaction.

“Sir…Sir…SIR! I yield to you.”

I stopped, snapped out of my concentration.

Master Giovanni was looking at me with a flushed expression and a look of alarm, my foil inches away from his neck. Stepping back quickly, I dropped the foil to my side.

Looking around, I noticed several people had gathered to watch. I was not used to having spectators.

The stares made me uncomfortable.

Finally regaining his composure, master Giovanni cleared his throat. “Mr. Masen, It has been a very long time since I have yielded to anyone. That was some masterful fencing. What ignited such a display from you today?”

Groaning, I shook my head in confusion.

“I apologize, sir. I have been out of sorts lately.”

The master shook his head, “I am simply amazed- and you have no reason to apologize.”

I had no desire to discuss the real reason for my amazing win.

“Thank you, sir.”

I bowed and left before I could embarrass myself further.

It seemed I was unable to function in any aspect of normal society without making a fool of myself.

Leaving the club, I opted to walk. Walking was safe.

The sun slowly moved along the sky. I had no concept of where I was going. All I knew was the journey would pass time. Time was all I had; there was no purpose to it anymore.

Eventually, the sun dipped below the skyline. I hailed a cab, something I rarely, if ever, did. The coach was filthy and disgusting.

“Where to, guv’ner?”

I gave the cabbie my address, to which he whistled a low whistle.

“Rich area, that. You get lost?”

It was then I looked, really looked, at my surroundings. I had no clue where I was.

“Where am I?” I asked, embarrassed that I could find myself in this situation.

“Cheapside, sir.”

I was miles away from my home, in the dark, in what looked to be a downtrodden area.

I rubbed my face in frustration at myself. “Thank you. Can you please take me home?”

“Aye, guv’ner, right away.”

The ride was quick, compared with how long it had taken me to get lost.

I paid the man probably more than he made in a month, but I didn’t care. He was extremely pleased.

The house was dark; no doubt everyone was in bed for the night, with the exception of a few servants. I sighed, pulling my key from my pocket. The lock was old, but I had never had trouble before- until tonight.

I was exhausted, yet I did not want to wake the whole house.

Slumping down on the step, I laid my head against the door.

Soon my lids grew heavy, and I drifted to sleep.

Suddenly, I was being moved, though where to or why, I was unsure. I looked down to see my feet were shuffling along. But how? I blinked several times, trying to rid the sleep from my eyes.

I soon realized that my valet had his arm slung around me and was practically carrying me upstairs to my bedroom. I tried to make an effort to ease his burden, but it seemed my legs were not cooperating. We reached my chambers, and I was stripped and put in bed. I was unable to thank him; he disappeared as quickly as he came.

I closed my eyes and drifted once again.

Upon waking, the first thing I noticed was a horrible and foul stench. The room reeked of sweat and stale liquor.

I sat at the edge of the bed trying to clear my head before attempting to stand.

On unsteady legs, I made my way to my dressing room. I did not even bother with the mirror; I had no desire to look at myself.

I waited while the servants filled the bath.

While the servants filled the bath, I surveyed the room, counted bath linens- anything to distract myself.

Once the water was ready, I stepped in, expecting a soothing hot bath.

The water was hot, but that was not the reason I felt my stomach tie into knots. There, in front of me, was the wood nymph I had purchased, hanging from a delicate chain on the wall.

She stared at me, taunting me with her smile.

I completely submerged myself in the water, half thinking that drowning would not be a bad fate at this moment.

I resurfaced, hoping the offending picture would have disappeared. However, it was not to be.

I looked at the painting. Really looked. Thought there was a likeness, it was not Isabella. Though close enough to cause my imagination to run wild.

Enough!

This needed to stop. I was becoming someone I loathed and hated.

I was disgusted with what I was doing to myself and those I loved.

Isabella did not love me, nor would she ever.

As she had so plainly stated.

Perhaps I was lonely. Perhaps I needed companionship.

I was willing to do anything to rid myself of the haunting visions my mind conjured at every thought of her.

I looked at the picture again, taunting me with those eyes, those swells of flesh peeking out in places sure to drive me mad.

I longed to feel her skin under my fingertips, to watch her face as I brought her to ecstasy.

Had I imagined all those times, when she looked happy?

I would have sworn she responded to my touch.

Perhaps I needed to forget.

Replace her memory with another.

That’s what I would do - I would forget.

While I dressed; a very wary look graced my valet’s face. I knew he was worried for me, but I was set.

I was determined.

I could not go on like this. I was willing to do anything.

Arriving at a familiar door, I paused to gather my thoughts and perhaps my resolve. I had not been here for years… but why should I deny myself?

Isabella has no claim on me, as I had no claim on her. She’d made that perfectly clear.

I knocked with a shaking hand, and waited.

When the door opened, a woman gestured for me to enter.

The first thing I noticed was the heavy scent of French perfume. Her eyes were lined in heavy kohl and thick rouge marked her cheeks. Her overly processed charms were nothing to Isabella’s natural beauty.

“Good evening, Sir. Welcome to the Hartcourt house. My name is Madame Valérie. What kind of…entertainment do you require?”

Without thinking I blurted out, “I need to forget.”

She blanched, obviously caught off guard by my candid remark.

“I see…I have just the one for you. Follow me.”

I followed the unmistakable smell of liquor and sex that permeated the air. Sounds of pleasure seeped from the walls.

It was humiliating to think I was reduced to coming here for any form of comfort; surely it should be obvious to me now. I was in hell.

We reached a door almost at the end of the hallway. I looked at the woman, who knocked quietly before opening the door.

The room was lit by several candles, but the woman seated away on the bed was shrouded in shadows.

“This is Cécile. She is very good at… how you say? Oh yes, taking care of your needs.”

The woman rose from the bed and curtsied slightly. It was as if my body and my mind acted apart. I nodded and Madame Valérie smiled before shutting the door behind her.

I turned back toward the woman, suddenly struck with an urge to flea. What am I doing?

I stood still, unable to move forward.

“Sir? This will work best if you join me over here.”

Her voice was low and mesmerizing, her subtle accent made her appear exotic.

The exact opposite of Isabella’s.

This is a mistake. I should have never come here.

I moved toward her, with the intention of thanking her for her time and leaving. But another feeling was gnawing at me. Why should I deny myself? I would go the years devoid of life, never to have that perfect love my parents shared. Why should I be condemned to go through life without the comfort of another?

Even if I found it in such circumstances.

With a measure of conviction I stepped toward the edge of her bed.

The woman was barely so, she was more of a young lady, barely able to fill the corset fitted to her body. A veil hid her face from me. I reached up to lift the veil, when she stopped me.

“Why are you here?”

It was frank and honest, as if she could sense my hesitance.

It was my turn to be honest.

“I need to forget.”

"Je vois, une peine de cœur."

“Pardon?”

It is, oh how you say? A broken heart.”

I nodded, “yes and she wants nothing to do with me.”

“Such a pity, a man such as you. Any woman should consider herself lucky.”

“You are young, handsome, and…” she reached forward, placing her hand on the front of my trousers, “…virile too.” She shook her head. “Such a waste.”

She reached for the veil, lifting it.

“I will make you forget all; you will leave here with all memories of this woman wiped from your mind.”

Long brown hair cascaded from the veil as she pulled it from her head. She looked up and I was shocked. Looking up at me were a pair of large brown eyes, fitted in features that were so eerily familiar I felt the urge to be sick.

Instead, I decided to flee. It was the only way.

I ran out the door, almost running over a gentleman who was leaving just a few doors down.

I ignored the pleas from the woman I had just run from.

I couldn’t think; all I could do was run.

Pausing long enough to leave plenty of money for her trouble, I rushed out the door.

The night air did little to sooth my aching lungs as I took a desperate breath.

I cannot deal with all these feelings.

I had almost done something that went against every moral I had ever set for myself. My father and mother would be appalled and disgusted if they saw what I had become. I had no excuse; I had done it all to myself.

Not wanting to deal with pain, I went into a nearby tavern.

The owner eyed me, confused no doubt, as to why I stood in the doorway looking lost.

“What can I get fer ye?” He called.

“Something strong, very strong.”

He chuckled. “I got lots of that, but yer goin’ to have to be more specific.”

“Scotch and a glass, please.”

“One glass coming up.”

I shook my head. “No sir, I would like your best bottle of scotch and a glass.”

“But, that's nearly ten quid, sir!”

I pulled the money from my pocket and threw it in his direction. “Will that be sufficient?”

Shocked no doubt, he nodded and disappeared, bringing me back a bottle of Irish scotch whiskey, and a glass.

“Enjoy sir.”

I tipped the opened bottle to my nose inhaling; the scent hit and burned my nose.

I filled my glass and emptied the entire contents in one swallow.

The whiskey burned as it hit my throat, but the warmth and numbness it brought was welcomed.

I poured another….

And then another…

Soon my senses were sufficiently numb, and I sat watching the patrons as they went about their lives. No doubt happy.

I had everything.

Money…

Position…

Yet I sat here in this filthy tavern, worse off than the poorest man. For it was then I realized I truly had nothing.

“Sir? I raised my head from the table. “Sir, I am closing up, would you like me to find you transportation home?”

I tried to speak, but it was slurred and unrecognizable. So I nodded instead.

Somehow my bottle of scotch and I made it home. I stumbled up my steps, and knocked loudly, not bothering with a key.

I was greeted by a very concerned housekeeper.

“Sir? Oh, thank heavens; your sister has been beside herself with worry.”

“Edward? Edward! What happened to you? What is going on?”

I waved her off and stumbled toward my study, slamming the door behind me.

I couldn’t deal with her look of disappointment, when she saw how truly broken I was. Alice was still young. I couldn’t destroy any hope of love she still possessed.

I finished the bottle.

Time moved slowly.

Bottles emptied as I attempted to blot out my pain.

Hours turned into days.

Days turned into weeks.

Time slowly bled into an agonizing routine. I would drift through my responsibilities. Doing what little I had to, before retreating to the sanctuary of my study.

Alice tried to talk to me, but I couldn’t bring myself to speak to her.

No one could help me.

So I numbed the pain. It was the only way.

~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~

“Edward.” I looked up to some very concerned blue eyes.

Jasper.

I rubbed my eyes, trying to focus. But the sleep wasn’t lifting.

“Jasper why are you here? It’s the middle of the night.”

“Edward its three in the afternoon, and you are completely drunk. Anything you would care to share with me?”

Three in the afternoon?

“What day is it Jasper?”

“It is April 10th, Edward, and I think it is time for you to tell me why I received a frantic plea from your sister, in which she begged me to come as quickly as possible.”

“I can’t, it hurts too much.” I slurred

Confused, he asked again, “What hurts, Edward?”

“A woman.” I choked out.

“A woman? I am confused Edward, how could a woman possible inflicted this kind of suffering?” He asked confused.

I looked him in the eye, barely managing to respond before passing out.

“Her name is Isabella Swan, and I am the last man she could ever be prevailed upon to marry.”

Duty and Desire chapter 18: The Letter

I do not own Twilight or Pride and Prejudice




Ashes and Wine, a Fine Frenzy

And I'll tear myself away

So if that is what you need, there is nothing left to say but

Is there a chance, a fragment of light

At the end of the tunnel, a reason to fight?

Is there a chance you may change your mind

Or are we ashes and wine?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I walked away.

I turned my back on the one woman I knew was perfect for me in every way. I knew a lost cause when I saw one and Isabella was very decisive. She wanted nothing do with me.

Hell, she could barely stand the very sight of me.

My lips burned from the memory of her mouth. The way her soft lips had yielded to mine, so passionate and so right… yet she had pulled away, no doubt disgusted by her actions.

There was nothing left for me to do.

I trudged back toward Rosings, the rain beating down on me nearly as hard as I beat down upon myself, soaking my clothing again. But what did I care for rain when my heart was bleeding? I had traveled with such high expectations, only to watch them turn to ash.

I felt such shame when I thought of her poor sister. Her circumstances were so similar to what had happened to Alice.

Alice.

I was furious with the lies that Wickham had used to poison Isabella’s mind. If I ever saw the bastard again, I would run him through on principle, without a second thought. I had no doubt that he would celebrate this as a victory, if he knew just how much his lies had cost me.

His lies.

I stopped suddenly. I had to somehow improve Isabella’s opinion of me. She may never care for me the way I do for her, yet I could not stand the thought of her going through this life hating me based on falsehoods uttered by that man. I would never give up on her.

But how?

I began walking again. She would not welcome my presence that much was painfully clear.

Anger bubbled at the surface as I remembered our encounter.

She had described me as the worst sort of man. One who took advantage of unsuspecting women and lived to see others in misery.

In short, she had described Wickham.

Damn that bastard to hell!

Wickham was many things; the vindictive man who had attempted to steal from me and my father, more time than I could count. The heartless bastard that sought to ruin my sister’s reputation and break her trust in others, in the foulest way possible, and now it seemed he aimed to slander my name to anyone who would listen to his pathetic excuse for lies.

How had my life become so distorted? If it had been any other woman, I would have not given it a second thought. Yet here was the one woman I wanted to spend my life with, and she hated me before I’d ever had a chance to win her affections.

I neared the house; not wanting to speak with anyone at the moment, I elected to go through back entrance. I was not in a fit state, physically or emotionally, to deal with the Old Bat.

I made a valiant effort to remove the mud from my boots, though I knew I failed miserably. I would need to remove them once inside. I pushed open the door, and nearly toppled over.

Caius.

“Well, well, if it isn’t Master Edward. Back from a little jaunt in the rain?”

He smirked. “I am sure her ladyship would love to know your whereabouts. You should know that very few things go unnoticed by me. Shall I inform her you have returned?”

I pulled myself up to my full height, which was a good head above him.

“Enough!” My voice was harsh.

“You forget your place, Caius. I am no longer a boy, and you will do well to remember in the future that I will no longer tolerate your insubordinate behavior. I am Edward Masen, and I answer to no one, least of all you. If you value your position, I suggest you curb your attitude before next we meet. I would hate to inform her ladyship I can no longer make my annual visit due to a certain servant’s poor behavior.”

I watched as his face paled. My threat was real, and he knew it.

“I thought not. Until next time then, Caius.” I said curtly, walking past him. Though it had been a long time coming, I still felt no sense of victory.

I made my way to the back staircase, carful to remain undetected. I passed the last corridor and slipped quickly into my chambers. Once inside, I slumped to the ground physically exhausted.

~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~

I can’t say how long I remained, but it was not until the sun had begun to set that I realized I was still on the floor.

My body felt sore and filthy.

My spirit felt broken.

I picked myself up and walked toward my dressing room.

Standing at the doorway, I tried to make sense of what I was doing. It was then I noticed a bath had been drawn recently. I tested the water and found it to be still warm. I pulled the cord to signal my need of more hot water. Retreating behind the screen, I stood in front of the mirror.

My appearance was haggard; all semblance of the man I knew was gone.

In his place was a fool.

I began the process of stripping each piece of clothing from my body. The door opened with a faint click, followed by the unmistakable sound of water being added to the basin.

“Will there be anything else, sir?”

I looked at the clothing piled onto the floor.

“Yes.” I ground out with my raw voice. “When I have finished please dispose of these clothes?”

I could no longer bear to look at them.

“Would you inform Col. Whitlock we depart on the morrow? He is to take the carriage to London; I will ride Blackjack. Tell him I expect to depart no later than mid-morning.”

“Very well. Is that all, sir?”

“Also, I would like to remain undisturbed for the remainder of the evening. I do not require food, so please inform the staff I am not to be interrupted.”

“Very well sir.”

I heard the door click shut. I took once last glance at the clothing, and moved from behind the screen toward the bath. I stepped into the bath, hissing as the heated water hit my cold flesh.

Fully immersing myself in the water, I let my head fall back against the edge of the bath. I stared up at the ceiling as I let the full weight of my emotions wash over me.

Rage…

Humiliation…

Shame…

Regret…

Emptiness…

As I contemplated what I had done, and the things Isabella had said, it was not long before I, Edward Masen, sat in my bath, weeping.

The tears flowed silently before the sobs racked my body. I brought my hands to my face, trying to blot out the horrible memories.

“I had not known you for a month, before I was convinced you were the last man in the world whom I could ever be prevailed upon to marry.”

Her words echoed in my brain, leaving me bereft of feeling.

“Isabella…why?” I choked out in a sob. “Why did you listen to him?” I whispered to no one.

Images of her face swirled in my mind: the fury…the utter fire and passion she’d showed as she defended those she loved.

But I was not among those; I was the adversary.

I needed to address the lies she had been told by Wickham.

How, though?

I had asked myself this question before, yet I was still at a loss.

How could I pour my heart out to her in such a way that she would be receptive?

A letter!

I would write a letter. I could only pray she would read it before tossing it to the flames.

I stood quickly; a sudden burst of hope renewed my conviction. Perhaps there could be a chance I could make a slight change in her opinion of me. I was not fool enough to believe she would ever love me.

But to have her think well of me… that would be worth everything.

I reached for the towel, and dried off. Donning my robe, I walked into my chamber, where a freshly stoked blaze waited for me.

Sitting at the writing desk, I methodically pulled out paper, ink and quills.

I sat back and sighed. How does one begin such a letter? I did not want to cause her more distress in thinking the letter was another feeble attempt at gaining her affection.

After all, that is the last thing she would ever consider, I thought bitterly.

With a deep breath, I began to put my feeling to the page.

~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~

Madam,

Be not alarmed on receiving this letter, or that it contains any continuation of sentiments or renewals of offers which today were so disgusting to you. I would, however, like to address the accusations leveled against me.

First, despite the feelings of either party, I separated your sister from Mr. McCarty. Although I do not deny this, I feel my reasons were just.

I noticed early on that Mr. McCarty admired your sister and was very much taken with her. The night of the Netherfield ball convinced me that it would not be long until a serious attachment would be made. However, after observing your sister for several weeks, I was unable to sense any kind of strong attachment on her side. Although she seemed to enjoy his company, I was convinced her affections were strong as my friend’s feelings for her. So many of our class marry for wealth and titles, and it is a rare match indeed that is formed from love. I did not want my friend to suffer that fate.

In addition, I was given information that night about a prior engagement your sister had with a Mr. Royce King, one which he ended suddenly. Mr. McCarty was confused and unsure of how your sister really felt, afraid that perhaps she pined for this other man. I convinced him it would be wise to leave for town in order to sort out his feelings.

I now understand that she did have strong feelings for him, as you informed me, and for that I am truly sorry. It was foolish of me to make assumptions based on what was obviously gossip. I never meant any offense against your sister. I hope you can understand I acted in a way to protect the happiness of a friend by encouraging him to make an informed decision. I can not blame myself for having done this much.

In the matter of Mr. Wickham, I do not know under what falsehoods he imposed himself on you, yet I hope you can acquit me of cruelty toward him. I feel the only way to do this is it to reveal to you his connection with my family.

James Wickham is the son of my late father’s steward. His father was a good man and held the management of our family’s estate. We played together as children, often fishing and getting into trouble, as most young boys do. My father was fond of him and offered to assist him with his education. James attended; however, he showed little real interest in pursuing any career. By the end of his term at school, his habits had become alarmingly erratic, from drinking, to gambling heavily, to debauchery of the worst sort.

It was not long before he was dismissed from school.

He floundered in and out of several other careers. We saw little of him until news of my father’s illness brought him back to Pemberley. My father’s attachment to Mr. Wickham was so steady that upon his death, James was given three thousand pounds, as promised in my father’s will. After receiving the money, he vanished for a time. Subsequent to gambling away all his money, he sent a missive asking for more funds, which I refused. He then severed all contact and I did not hear from him until a year ago, under the most painful circumstances, which every day I wish I could forget.

My sister, Alice, who is ten years my junior, was left in the care of a Mrs. Laurent, in whose character we were very much deceived. After reading several of my sister’s letters, I determined that she seemed to be suffering from low spirits. I resolved to leave immediately and try to do what I could for her. Wanting to leave as soon as possible, I did not write ahead to inform anyone of my arrival. When I arrived, the house appeared vacant and Mrs. Laurent was nowhere to be found.

At that moment, I heard a scream that will forever be seared in my memory.

I ran frantically, searching for the source of the scream, knowing it was Alice. Approaching her chambers, I threw open the door. What I found shocked and enraged me to no end. James had his hands on my sister, attempting to force himself on her. I ran and threw him off of her, but in my attempt to comfort Alice, who was in hysterics, James had fled.

The bastard had tried to befriend her, in the hopes she would elope with him. When it became clear that she did not harbor any feelings for him beyond friendship, he sought to ruin her reputation in exchange for money to keep his silence. I suppose his primary motive was money, however, I feel a secondary motive was to revenge himself on me for denying him more funds. If he had succeeded, his revenge would have been complete indeed.

We were unable to pursue him through the law; to expose him would have meant ruining Alice’s reputation. That was not something I was willing to risk.

And so the rogue roams free, while my sister tries to regain her life. She was but sixteen years old.

I understand the shock you must be feeling, and I would not burden you with this; however, I have a strong need for you to understand the truth. I know this will not improve your opinion of me, and to that I am reconciled.

For confirmation, should you feel in need of it, you may apply to Col. Whitlock, who shares the guardianship of Alice with myself, and is aware of all these events and transactions.

I wish you health and happiness.

Yours faithfully,

Edward Anthony Masen

As I finished signing my name, I slumped back in the chair. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I turned my head toward the clock, which read three hours past midnight

Turning my attention back toward the letter, I methodically powdered the ink before folding the letter. I watched with concentration as I melted the wax over the paper and pressed my seal down.

It seemed so ironic.

Will this letter seal my fate? Or will it help to alleviate some of the misguided feelings Isabella harbored toward me?

I had no way of knowing; only time would tell.

There was nothing more to be done tonight, and I was in desperate need of sleep.

Stepping over to the basin, I splashed water on my face in an attempt to calm myself. However crucial my need for rest, somehow I knew sleep would not come easy tonight.

I disrobed and fell into bed exhausted, as though I had been on a very long journey. The canopy above the bed partially blocked the fresco painted on the ceiling. It was a beautiful depiction of the heavens; millions of stars dotted the midnight skies. It was meant to represent that life was bigger than us all and we were not meant to understand everything.

Though, how I desperately wished to understand.

I still held onto a sliver of hope that tomorrow this would all have been a terrible nightmare.

With that feverish wish, I drifted to sleep.

~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~

The little sleep I’d gotten had been restless at best. I had not succumbed for another hour after falling into bed.

All I could see when I closed my eyes was her face.

Broken, weeping and angry.

I had awoken in a thick sheen of sweat that covered my body. Hoping that it all been just a terrible nightmare.

I stood and went in search of anything that would confirm my hope, when my eyes were drawn to the writing table. There among the shavings was a letter, the bright red seal affixed, and written above was the name Miss Isabella Swan.

I felt my breath grow ragged, and my body grew cold and clammy.

It had not been a nightmare, it had really happened.

Oh, Lord.

I rushed to my dressing room and purged my insides into the basin. The retching was violent, painful and futile, considering there was very little in my stomach to begin with.

I looked up into the mirror, finding the man who stared back at me unrecognizable.

My path, which until recently had been so clear, was now blurred and distorted. I didn’t know which direction I was to go. I was a lost man.

I had lost the only woman I loved, the only thing worth fighting for.

She had dismissed me, and like an idiot I had walked away.

Would there still be a chance?

I moved away from the basin and its putrid smell.

If there was to be any hope, it would be that Isabella would cease to despise me, for anything more would be wishful thinking.

I pulled the bell cord, deciding it was time to bathe and dress. I was met by a very concerned Valet.

“Sir, are you ill? Should I summon assistance?” He asked, his face creased in a frown.

“No, I will be well. I have an urgent matter of business that must be attended to this morning. Is all arranged for our departure?”

“Yes sir.”

I nodded “Thank you, and please let Colonel Whitlock know I shall need to speak with him as soon as I am dressed.”

“Yes, sir. I took the liberty of drawing you a bath earlier. It should still be warm.”

“Thank you.”

After the valet Left me in peace, I washed my body, trying desperately to feel clean once more. As I bathed the memory of her scent assaulted my senses.

It was everywhere, that rich lavender scent.

“Isabella?” I whispered stupidly, hoping and praying she was near.

Lavender, by nature, was supposed to have soothing properties, yet I could find no peace.

I scrubbed harder, to the point that my skin was raw. Disgusted with myself, I threw the cloth; it was no use.

“Sir, are you ready?” I looked up at my Valet who had returned and was holding my robe.

“Yes, I suppose I lost track of time.”

“Was the lavender oil soothing?”

What?

“What lavender oil?” I asked, anger bubbling through my veins.

“You had a difficult night last night; I thought it would be soothing.”

I closed my eyes and willed my self to be calm. The fault did not lay with him.

“I apologize if I overstepped, sir.”

I exhaled slowly before speaking. “Nothing is amiss; I was taken off guard, that is all.”

He eyed me warily before helping with the rest of my attire.

“Will that be all, sir?”

“Yes, I will journey to London immediately upon concluding my business.”

Donning my greatcoat, I pocketed the letter, and went in search of Jasper.

I found him waiting, or pacing, I should say, outside my room.

“Edward! Do you know how worried I have been? What happened to you?”

“I am fine, Jasper. It seems you were right, my presence was not wanted by Miss Isabella.”

“I am sorry friend, I tried to warn you. Something seemed off when we parted.” He admitted.

“Jasper, I have not the time to explain all at this moment, but we will talk. I need to ask you, if Miss Isabella applies to you for confirmation about the events that happened to Alice, I need you to tell her the truth. Hold nothing back.”

Jasper’s expression was one of shock. “Edward, this is serious. Can Miss Isabella be trusted with this information? This is Alice’s reputation we are talking about.”

I understood his concern, however, I knew the truth would be safe with Isabella. “I trust her implicitly, Jasper.”

He nodded in understanding.

“I plan to ride to London immediately after delivering this letter.”

I had turned to leave when Jasper caught my arm.

“I am sorry, I did try to help.”

“I know, and we can talk more about my folly later.”

Like a man walking to the gallows, I made my way to the stables. Blackjack was saddled and waiting for me. I had not been as attentive to him as was my usual practice.

Mounting the saddle, I kicked him into a gentle trot. I was not in any hurry to complete this task. It felt as if this would be the last time I would ever see her.

How will I survive? My heart broke at the thought.

As I neared the parsonage, from the corner of my eye, I saw a flash of color through the trees. I had no doubt it was Isabella.

I quickly dismounted and ran in the direction of the color. She was running.

Had she seen me?

I gained on her quickly and found she was simply running for her own pleasure. She had no idea I was there.

This was it.

I stepped forward and the noise alerted Isabella to my presence.

I took in her face. She looked pale and tired. Her eyes, which had at one time had held so much life, were oddly dead.

In a moment her expression changed, and the fire I so loved ignited in those eyes.

She was expecting another confrontation.

It was hopeless; she really did hate me.

With all hope gone, I reached for the letter.

“I know I have no right to ask anything of you, but would you do me the honor of reading this letter?" I asked softly.

I gently placed it in her hand and turned quickly, before I broke down and begged her to reconsider.

I ran back to Blackjack, the more distance I put between Isabella and myself, the deeper the pain in my heart.

Remounting, I kicked Blackjack into a gallop.

While riding through the forest, I felt everything.

I could feel the wind as it whipped past my face, caressing it with a coolness that always seemed to calm me. The subtle scent the dew gave as it rested on the mossy forest floor. Every sound echoed as I pushed harder and harder, desperate to find what I needed.

I could still see her face, those angry, defiant eyes that looked directly into my soul. Her eyes called to me, locked me in place.

I never had a chance.

Galloping through the woods, I spurred Blackjack harder; I needed this almost as much as I needed her. I knew I was punishing myself, but I didn’t care. I had been careless with my actions and callous with her feelings. I couldn’t blame her for rejecting me.

I had brought it all upon myself.

With another crack from my crop, the horse ran faster. My thighs were burning, desperately trying to hold their place. My backside ached from the repeated contact with the saddle. My lungs burned and I didn’t know how much more I could take. I was suffocating, but I kept pushing.

Knowing I was running toward nothing.

I would return to London, where I would hide and lick my wounds. I could only pray that my letter would change some of the ill feelings she harbored toward me.

After all, much was founded from lies. As to everything else, I would have to live with the knowledge that my pride had managed to ruin my only chance at happiness.