Duty and Desire chapter 6: Impressions

I do not own Twilight or Pride and Prejudice.



Day One

I slept fitfully, unable to reconcile the fact that Isabella was sleeping under the same roof. I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, willing myself to find that control I had so stoically relied upon. I couldn’t get the image of her tending to her sister out of my mind.

It was so much like…

No, I would not think on that now, I had not the willpower to go down that painful road right now. Deciding sleep was fruitless, I got up and, after dressing, made my way down to breakfast. It was very early; the sun was just gracing the eastern sky. Its reflection off the dew gently resting on the trees and grasses gave it a subtle glisten. The leaves and their various fall hues shone like a golden backdrop in the early morning light. It was October now, the fields were harvested and the land was being prepared for winter. I turned from the window as Emmett came into the Breakfast room.

“Emmett, this is rather early for you, is everything ok?” He looked very tired.

“Miss Swan had a bad night; I had to call for the doctor around midnight. Her fever was too high, and Miss Isabella tried everything to get it down. Finally, the doctor suggested dousing all the fires and opening the windows to chill the room. It helped, but I was so frightened, she could have died.”

A roaring fire, crisp linens newly changed, my mothers book laid gently next to her bed, a bed now empty.

Dismissing those memories, I replied.

“One never knows what fate will bring Emmett, but she is young and strong. I am sure she will pull through.”

“Thank you Edward, you are a good friend.” He sighed.

We ate in silence both, lost in our own respective thoughts. We were interrupted by a noise in the front foyer. Isabella passed quickly through the main foyer, carefully as to not disturb anyone in the house.

“Miss Isabella,” Emmett called.

She stopped and turned, her expression one of shock at anyone being awake at this early hour. I am sure she assumed the house was still a bed.

“Please come sit and take breakfast with us, you must be exhausted.”

Although I had no earthly reason for my interest, I wanted to know how she fared last night. She looked tired and worn, the events of last night must have really taken their toll.

“Thank you Emmett, but I would like to return to my sister. I will take breakfast in her room, if that is agreeable,” she said directly to Emmett.

Was she trying to avoid me?

“Whatever makes you the most comfortable, may I enquire as to how your sister fares this morning?”

“Her fever is down and she was sleeping when I stepped out for a walk.”

Isabella was speaking and looking at Emmett as if I was not even in the room, and it bothered me, though for reasons I choose to ignore.

“I will be sure to keep you abreast of her condition. Thank you again for everything you have done.”

And with that she quickly fled the room as if she could not get away fast enough.

“Edward, should I send for a physician from London?” he asked immediately after Isabella left.

“I don’t see any need for that, the doctor here seemed capable.”

I didn’t see any reason for Emmett to involve himself any further publicly than he already had. There was bound to be talk as it was. I did not want a perceived attachment to form based on Emmett’s charity to Miss Swan. Even if he did indeed have feelings, any attachment should be entered into with both people in agreement, forced marriages were never happy.

“If she does not improve within the next few days I will send for my personal physician; he is discrete, as well as very capable. I do not want you entangling yourself by association, simply because you are being kind, “I added, hoping to placate him.

Although I have no doubt the Tabby mother was behind her soaking wet ride in the first place.

“Thank you Edward, I know we were to go shooting today, but if it is agreeable, I would prefer to stay close to home today. Perhaps a short ride?”

He really was far gone; Emmett was giving up shooting, to be near a sick woman.

“That will be fine Emmett, I know I may be your guest but as your friend you need not trouble yourself with my amusement.”

“Well, we all know how high maintenance you are Edward.” He smiled.

I simply rolled my eyes and left to ready myself for riding.

The day seemed to move slowly, Emmett and I were only gone an hour before he insisted on returning to the house. He was impatient the entire ride, his attitude had annoyed me to no end. His attachment to her had come on entirely too quickly. He was acting like a suitor and that was a disaster. I would need to speak with him quickly and caution him on his behavior; before he found himself shackled and married.

I filled the afternoon with reading, I had only seen the Netherfield Library on my original tour and was eager to acquaint myself. Although its size could not compare to Pemberley, it was adequate in both size and quantity.

I found several classics in which I enjoyed, and delved into reading. I knew I was safe here, I doubted the Harpy had even set foot in this room, let alone read any of its books. Shaking off that awful thought, I was quite sure I would have an afternoon of solitude. My mind, however, wandered to Isabella and I wondered what she was doing right now. She had forgone sleep to tend to her sister; it was a sign of devotion that I admired. Yet her manners toward me were puzzling. I expected anger, or worse attachment, yet all I got was avoidance. I don’t know which one I wanted more. It was all so confusing.

Realizing I had wasted almost a full hour on my ridiculous mind wanderings, I replaced my book and went in search of Emmett.

I rounded the corner and heard Emmett talking to someone.

“In here is the music room, you are welcome to use it whenever you feel the need, I know music can be a great soother. I truly admire your devotion to your sister, you really care for

her."

I felt like I was intruding on a deeply emotional conversation.

“Yes, she has always been there for me, she is my best friend and I would do anything for her,” Isabella whispered.

She had a beautiful voice; I would never tire of hearing it.

“Please let me know if there is anything I can do, I feel like I am of no assistance,” he pled.

“But sir, you have done so much already, I cannot ask anything more of you.”

She was absolutely sincere in her reply.

“Well, you will inform me if there is anything else I can do?”

I don’t know what prompted me to speak, but she had to understand that I cared about her sister’s recovery; I chose to make my presence known.

“Good day, Miss Isabella. I trust your sister is faring better?”

Both Emmett and Isabella looked in my direction, surprised by my sudden entrance.

Her eyes met mine and before I could tell if she was pleased to see me, she looked away.

“Yes sir, I believe she is a little better, thank you for your concern. Emmett if you will excuse me I must return to her.”

With those few words she ran, as fast as she could walk.

“Good Lord, Edward, you sure know how to repel woman, they literally run away from you. Though for once this one was not in tears, you’re not going soft now are you?” he said, laughing.

I, however, found nothing funny in the situation. Isabella was avoiding me, and I wanted to know why. Logically it was I who should be avoiding her, not the other way around. The situation bothered me more than I wanted to admit.

“You know, Emmett, your humor can really be ill timed. How do you know she was running from me? She could just be concerned about her sister.”

He had the audacity to laugh again. “Edward, she looked like a cornered mouse. I suspect she was trying to find her means of escape the moment you entered the room. Try smiling next time, who knows you might get her to say hello.”

I was not finding his humor remotely amusing.

“Thank you Emmett, I’ll be sure and take that under consideration. I will see you at dinner.”

“Very well Edward, but you know life is meant to be enjoyed. I dare say with all your wealth and status you should be happy with life, most men aspire to be you.”

I nodded and walked up to my chambers, my mind in turmoil.

Men aspired to be me?

I should be happy?

I was nothing if not content, but happy? I did not have the luxury of a carefree life, every action and decision I made reflected on my family. Others may aspire to be me, yet they had no comprehension of the responsibility that comes with wealth and status. It was my duty, and that was not something I was willing to sacrifice for my own desires and pleasure. I was a Masen, my parents had given me every possible earthly gift, yet they gave me so much more.

Their unconditional support and love.

I would not throw that away on an infatuation. Nor to act as other immature boys do while trying to find their place in this world. No, I was resolved, Isabella would prove to be unworthy of the time I spent thinking of her, of that I had no doubt. The infatuation would end and I would be free.

It would end tonight.

Dinner was an uneventful affair. I spent the evening wishing Isabella had decided to join us. The Harpy and her sister droned on and on about themselves. I dutifully nodded, but said nothing; I was not capable of forming words which would not come out harsh or belittling. Isabella was avoiding me, I was certain now. She had declined to join them for dinner, stating that she was there to care for her sister and did not want to disturb the family party, preferring to take her meals in Miss Swan’s chamber.

So far I had only a handful of glimpses of her and it wasn’t enough. It angered me how this woman, whom I had little contact with, could have such a strong effect on me.

It was madness.

After dinner Emmett and I retired to play a game of pool. I am lucky I wagered little, my mind was elsewhere and I played rather poorly.

“Edward, what is going on with you?” Emmett asked with a hint of concern.

“I am just tired Emmett, I have not been sleeping well, it is more than likely catching up with me.” It was partially true, I had been sleeping poorly. However the reason why, was not something I was willing to share.

“Are you worried about Alice? If you are concerned about her, you are welcome to leave. I would not have you losing sleep over your sister, staying simply to placate me.”

It was the perfect out; I could leave and essentially be rid of Isabella Swan, it would be only too easy. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to do it. What was wrong with me?

“No, Emmett, she is well. In her last letter she seemed content. And Col Whitlock is looking after her, so I have no worries on that score. I promised you my help, and I intend on seeing it through.”

Chuckling, he replied. “Just don’t wager Pemberley until you get your head sorted out, though I wouldn’t mind taking it off your hands.”

“Sound advice Emmett. I’m off to bed, please give my regards to Miss Swan, and Miss Isabella.”

Walking toward my chambers, I decide to get a book before retiring for the night. My earlier visit to the library had been satisfactory; I resolved to make better use of it. I quietly slipped into Emmett’s study, intending on making use of the side entrance. I had no desire to suffer a surprise encounter with the harpy, forced visits were bad enough. Quietly opening the door as to not draw attention to any persons who may be present, I entered the library.

The room was dimly lit, no doubt for no one in particular. Although the library was not grand in scale it was suitable for a country gentleman. Cases of books lined the walls, with several cases lining the outer rim in a circular pattern. The middle contained two desks, and sets of sofas. It was a comfortable setting for reading and contemplation. The fire had long since burned out; I was confused as to why the staff would light a fire in a room no one was using. I knew Emmett read on occasion, when the weather was poor, but I could not imagine the other three wasting their precious time reading. I highly doubt the Harpy had ever read anything but the society pages.

Rounding the last set of cases, the sight before me rooted me in place.

Isabella was here, in front of me, in the library.

What a brilliant observation Edward.

I backed into the shadows quietly to observe her.

She reverently moved her hands along the spines of the dusty volumes, almost as if she was caressing them. She would stop and pick a book, flipping through the pages before returning it to its place. I was unsure which books she was viewing, no doubt Shakespeare, or some other fashionably in vogue author.

Finally, selecting a book, Isabella strode from the room, unaware that I had been watching her.

Had I just moved into the realm of stalker?

I confess I was curious as to her choice of book and, before losing my nerve, I walked quickly over to the place she had selected it from. As I stared at the blank space where the book had been, I was shocked to see the volume to its right.

Paradise Regained, by John Milton.

Isabella was reading Paradise Lost. This was not at all what I was expecting, and I once again had to re evaluate my view of this woman. Would she never cease to amaze me? I closed my eyes and a memory of my father came to mind. He had just returned from London, having brought with him some new additions to the family library. He was exceptionally proud to add the Milton works, along side generations of others. I recall Paradise lost gracing my mother’s bedside table just before she died. Her character puzzled me, what could a young woman find fascinating about the struggle between good and evil? Most young ladies only concerned themselves with gossip and acquiring themselves a husband. I needed to talk to Isabella, tomorrow I would attempt to engage Isabella in conversation, it was the only way I could satisfy myself that she was not what she seemed.

Day Two

After a few well placed hints, Emmett managed to coax Isabella from her sister’s bedside. Miss Swan was making progress in her recovery. Her fever had broken and the doctor informed us that with rest she would mend. Emmett was visibly relived; he had spent another night pacing outside her chambers. Isabella joined us for dinner, which was surprisingly quiet. I was unable to account for the silence between the shrews. Normally they loved to monopolize conversation. I observed Isabella, who would answer Emmett’s questions and then drift back into silence. I glanced to Emmett’s left and noticed the harpy staring at Bella with a cold calculating stare, and it made me uneasy. I could not comprehend what Bella could have done to warrant such a look. Perhaps, she was just angry at all the attention her brother was giving to her and her sister.

I was still left with an uneasy feeling.

After dinner we retired to the drawing room. Emmett and his sisters were playing whist while Mr. Crowley was currently passed out on the sofa, his body contorted in the most unseemly manner. Isabella was seated in the sofa furthest from everyone, reading. I was writing a much belated letter to Alice. I had set out to complete my letter, and send it off in the morning. Fortunate for me, the game seemed to be holding their interest, and I was left undisturbed.

Dearest Sister,

I apologize for the lateness of this letter, though time has passed quickly, the days feel like they last forever. I really have had a lot to do. Emmett and I have made a thorough inspection of the estate and I feel with some improvements, Netherfield could become a fine estate. The assembly was a nightmare, I felt as though every mother was eying me like a dog eyes a piece of meet. Though this is no different than London, somehow it felt more vulgar here. Now I have been myself, as Emmett so graciously informed me, and have since put a stop to all such foolish attempts to catch me. I met an intriguing young woman named Isabella Swan who, unlike the other ladies here, she pays me no attention.

“Edward, are you writing to dear Alice?” The Banshee dulcet tone caused me to drop my quill.

“Do tell her I long to see her when next I am in town, I would be happy to show her the latest fashions. She really could use another woman’s opinion in her life.”

I shuddered at the blatant implications; does this woman’s impropriety know no bounds? Alice would be appalled, not only does she have an excellent taste in fashion, Tanya drives her about as crazy as she does me.

“I believe I have already conveyed your sentiments in my last letter,” I replied curtly.

“Oh yes, but I think of her as a sister, and you know how I dote on her. I am sure she would be devastated not to hear from me.”

I f you only knew how she truly felt.

Not wanting to discuss this topic further, I simply replied.

“Perhaps in my next letter, I fear I am nearly done, and have not the space.”

“She is such and accomplished young lady, I dare say,” she continued and I decided ignoring her would be the best option.

Alice I fear this will be no more than a passing amusement for you, but Tanya wishes to convey to you her greetings. She is currently amazing the room with all your accomplishments, and wishes to guide you in fashionable attire when next in town. No doubt you will be wearing her hideous shade of Orange, if she had her way. The absurdity of her notions were not lost on me, let me assure you. Enough, before I forget my previous thoughts.

I peeked over at Isabella to gauge her reaction to the conversation; she seemed unaware and continued to read her book. I wondered at her lack of interest and found it extraordinary; most young ladies would be dying for a bit of gossip.

Emmett finally decided to join in.

“Yes so many accomplished young ladies, they all draw, sing, embroider, it is truly amazing.”

And this was exactly why I feared him making a poor choice, he could not see beyond appearances.

“Yes Emmett, but I feel there are not half a dozen woman whom I could call accomplished.”

Isabella finally decided to join the conversation.

“Heavens, you must comprehend a great deal in the idea.”

She looked straight at me, her eyes reflecting the same brilliance I remembered from our first encounter.

She was glorious.

I opened my mouth to respond, but the shrew beat me to it.

“Yes, my dear,” she replied in mock civility.

“She must have a vast knowledge of drawing, music, singing, dancing and the modern Languages, to deserve such a title. But most important, a sophistication in her air, her manner of walking, as well as an excellent taste in fashion.”

I snickered, did she really think she posses any of those traits?

I needed to add my own to the list.

“Yes, and expanding her mind through extensive reading.”

The look of shock on the Harpy’s face was exactly what I wanted. But Isabella made my victory short lived.

“I’m amazed sir, at you knowing half a dozen accomplished women, I really wonder at you knowing any!”

She had that defiant look in her eyes; she was testing me, finally!!

“How can you be so severe on your own sex?” I truly did not find it impossible that a woman could meet such standards.

With a fiery stare, she parried.

“I have never beheld such a woman, surely she would be a fearsome creature to behold.”

Emmett snorted, no doubt amused by our sparing, yet his sister seemed angry, and being one not used to being ignored, added.

“Miss Izabell, surly you know that it would be unfair for you to judge all ladies based on your limited knowledge. Let me assure you, there are many accomplished ladies among our acquaintance.”

Miss Izabell?? Where the hell had she come up with that one?

It was a low blow, no doubt a jibe at the differing circle in which we moved. I felt a need to respond in Isabella defense; however she had no need of my protection.

“Really Miss McCarty? I am astonished; when next I am in town, you must introduce me to these rarities. It would certainly be educational for us both.”

Emmett’s and my jaw simultaneously hit the floor; The Banshee had just been routed, thoroughly routed.

I felt an odd sensation creep up my spine, never had a woman so thoroughly captured my attention.

The room fell oddly silent as we returned to our respective devises; I needed to finish this letter.

It is puzzling that unlike the other women, she has no interest in me, or my name. I fear she has a quick wit, and I am finding it excessively stimulating to spar with her. You would be proud to know she just thoroughly put Tanya in her place. I am sure Emmett will suffer for it later, yet it was worth it. I am glad to hear Jasper is attentive and looking after your wellbeing. I will write again when I have more to add. Remember to smile dear one, and know I too think of you always.

Your loving brother,

Edward Masen

I could not add how much Isabella affected me; Alice had a habit of seeing right through me. And right now, I had no desire to raise her hopes that I had finally found someone. It would only crush her when I could do nothing about it.

Suddenly the weight of loneliness was crushing me; I needed to get out of there as soon as possible. I sealed the letter quickly and excused myself, fleeing to the comfort and solitude of my chambers.