Duty and Desire chapter 12: London

I do not own Twilight or Pride and Prejudice


I was angry, pacing relentlessly back and forth in my chambers. A fire roared and crackled, yet I had no need of the warmth. My anger, coupled with my movement, was causing the perspiration on my body to seep through my clothing. I couldn’t rest, I couldn’t sleep, and I was furious.

How could Isabella do that to herself? How could she throw away her life on that simpering, pathetic excuse of a man?

The Harpy, no doubt, had ulterior motives for bringing such news. No matter, she would never benefit from it.

~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~

“I thought you would like to know, Mr. Newton has proposed to Miss Isabella.”

My head spun back around and I was about to move forward and eject her from my home, when Emmett intervened.

“That’s enough, Tanya! I came here to speak to Edward alone. Go, you are embarrassing yourself.”

He grabbed my arm and pulled me toward my study. I had never in my life wanted to physically harm a woman. She would definitely be the first. I could not bring myself to believe she knew I cared for Isabella. I had been careful, told no one. It seemed ironic that she would deliver the news that cut me the deepest.

As we entered the study Emmett released my arm and closed the door. I walked over and sat down quickly, attempting to remain calm. The storm brewing in my emotions threatened to break free, and I did not want Emmett present when that happened.

“Edward, I apologize, she was not supposed to come. In fact, I gave her explicit instructions to remain at the house.”I nodded.

“I think I need to hear what happened, please tell me everything you know.”

I was eager, too eager, but at this point I was desperate and no longer cared.

“Tanya arrived unannounced this morning. She said Mr. Crowley and Lauren grew tired of Hertfordshire, and wanted to return to London for the Christmas season. Not wanting to be alone, she took it upon herself to close up the house, dismiss all the servants and return to London. She claims she could not bear the loss of Lauren’s company.”

My mind suddenly filled with images of servants celebrating and dancing around her burning effigy. At this point I would volunteer to light the damn thing.

“Are you telling me that without writing to consult you, she chose to take all that upon herself? On your behalf?” I was astonished. Lonely or not the Harpy had no right to make those decisions for Emmett. I highly doubted the damage could be repaired in the neighborhood. I had no doubt talk had already begun and would eventually make its way to London.

“Yes, she did. I was not aware of Lauren’s plans to leave. If I had known I would have just taken Tanya with me,” he sighed.

I scoffed. He was naive if he thought her leaving was merely from loneliness.

“It will take a great deal to repair this breech with the neighborhood. I am not sure it is even worth the effort.”

Emmett looked at me as if stricken.

“You think I should give up the place entirely?”

“That is one solution, although I think it would be wise to finish out the lease and make your decision accordingly.” He nodded, and I asked the question I was desperately in need of having answered.

“How did Tanya happen upon news of Miss Isabella’s engagement?” I tried to sound as uninterested as possible, but saying those words left a bitter taste in my mouth.

Emmett eyed me for a moment, no doubt curious as to why I would care at all. It was no wonder, really, all we ever did in his presence was argue.

“The servants informed her that Mr. Newton had proposed to Miss Isabella the day after the ball. Apparently, Mr. Newton is to inherit Longbourn upon Mr. Swan’s death, and wanting to make restitution to the family, he decided to take one of his daughters for a wife. I believe, because Mr. Swan never fathered a son, his wife and daughters will be left with nothing.”

Left with nothing? Then she would accept. There would be no reason not to.

~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~

Slowing, I walked over to the fireplace and leaned against the mantle. I watched the flames lick against the logs, consuming everything they touched. Isabella was my fire, she consumed me; the love and passion I felt for her was unlike anything I had ever hoped to attain. I had been a coward to hide behind my duty, believing it was for the good of my family. Now she was lost to me.

I could not help but feel resentful that she would have no choice in the matter. Mrs. Swan would do everything in her power to secure herself a comfortable future, even if it meant selling her daughter into a loveless marriage.

I laughed out loud, a solemn bitter laugh. It took losingher to finally open my eyes to what she truly meant to me. I thought back to all the times I had been with Isabella; her fiery spirit stood out among all the lifeless debutant's vying for my eye. Much like my mother, Isabella was a fearless woman with strong opinions, and a generous heart. I was heartbroken to think of that fire slowly dying as the years of dreariness and monotony extinguished her spirit.

I would focus on Alice and attempt to find a suitable wife for myself. It was the least I could do for her.

~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~

The Christmas holidays were fast approaching. I had taken to attending more assemblies and plays than was my usual habit, and it seemed the women of London had taken notice; they were attending in droves. I was informed by not only Alice, but Jasper as well, all hoped this was the year I would finally settle on a wife. I was shocked that so many women had held onto the hope that I would choose them. Jasper chuckled as he said.

“You are in danger of disappointing not only the women when you finally choose, but the men have been waiting for you to finally settle down so that they might have a shot at some of the eligible ladies.”

I had been shocked by his reference to all these young women waiting, saving themselves for me. I had been nothing but contemptuous of the whole process. I was quite sure I had never given any of them even the slightest hope I was interested. As far as I was concerned, they were all the same.

Today I was escorting Alice around town to do some shopping for gifts. Although Christmas remained a quiet affair we still managed to exchange gifts.

I thought back to a happier time when Pemberley was bedecked in red ribbons and evergreen garlands. The smell of chestnuts and cider filled the house. I could see a small boy running through the great hall, his laughter echoing off the cavernous walls. I remembered my mother and father sitting by the fire, Alice lying contentedly in my mothers arms and I on the rug in front of her. My father would read to us; it was tradition.

After my mother’s death the tradition stopped, and Christmas became a more sober affair a few years after my father joined her. I could not bear to be at Pemberley during the Christmas holiday, the house was shrouded in mourning. Alice and I had since spent Christmas in London; it was a clean slate with no haunting memories to darken the day.

I shook off these unhappy thoughts not wanting my mood to affect Alice in anyway. I was waiting patiently in the front foyer for her to appear so we could be on our way.

Not a moment later she walked into the room.

“I am ready brother, are you?” She was forever teasing me about my dislike of the shopping district.

“Yes, Alice, I love every opportunity to be in your company. Come, the dress maker awaits, and from what I hear Madame Cope is not to be kept waiting.”

She giggled. “Silly Edward, you know that she blocked out the entire day to attend to my fittings personally. She has always taken prodigiously good care of me. I suspect she feels that without Mamma, I need a woman’s guidance in matters of fashion.”

I gave her a look of mocked hurt. “Are you saying I am ill qualified to assist you in ordering your dresses?”

“Oh Edward, I am sure you would not last five minutes in one of those shops.”

I was confused. It couldn’t be that terrible, could it?

“Whatever do you mean Alice?” I questioned her as I assisted her into the carriage.

“Let’s just say that I endure them because I can not very well walk around in rags or worse, nothing. Yet, if I did not have Madame C, I would have given serious thought to those options.”

I laughed, “You do not paint a pleasing picture, Alice, so I will take your word on it and stay away.”

We continued to talk for the remainder of the journey. As we pulled up to the Madame C’s shop I assisted Alice down from the carriage and escorted her inside.

Immediately we were inundated with help from every angle as a large, boisterous woman appeared from behind the curtain.

"Charmante demoiselle, quel plaisir de vous revoir!" She always was an exuberant lady.

“Merci, Madame” Alice answered with a curtsy.

“Ah, Alice, you know I treasure each of your visits. Like your mother before you, you have excellent taste. It makes my job worth while.”

I turned to Alice, “I will call back for you in three hours time, will that be sufficient time for all you need to accomplish?”

Alice was about to answer when Madame C spoke up. “We will be just fine, young man, go and find your beautiful sister a gift.”

I shook my head, she had a knack for putting people at ease while nudging them in the right direction. I leaned down and kissed Alice on the head before leaving the shop.

I walked quickly toward my desired destination. I was having a necklace of my mother reset as a gift for Alice. Although I knew she was too young to remember, my mother had often worn this particular necklace during the Christmas season. I had noticed many of the prongs that held the ruby stones in place had become loose. Not wanting to lose any of the stones I had brought it to town to have them reset in a new necklace. I was loath to change any part of this priceless treasure but sometime changes are for the best, even if we cannot see it at the time.

The new setting was timeless and I hope she liked it. I found that as she aged the buying of gifts became more difficult.

Alice would be turning eighteen this summer. I had racked my brain, trying to think of the perfect gift. But nothing seemed to fit. I exited the shop and noticed I still had several hours.

I began walking North, pausing every once in a while at a particular shop window. I approached a music shop and stopped to listen to the melody of the piano. A new piano! That would be the perfect gift for Alice. I would never part with my mother’s piano, but a new one would mean the world to Alice.

I would put my plan into motion as soon as I returned home. I needed to write and commission the instrument so she would have it in time for her birthday.

As I kept walking the crowds of people were thinning, I was unsure if it was due to a lack of shops in this area or due to the cold beginning to settle in. I reached the street corner and silently mused about which direction to take. Looking up to decipher the street name I realized I was standing in front of Hartcourt house. I had not been to this place in years; my first visit had been with my father. The very few after were in times of extreme loneliness.

Is that what I was? Lonely? Would the company of a woman help soothe the ache left from the loss of Isabella?

I walked toward the door, placing my hand on the elegant brass door knocker. It would be so easy to bury my pain in pleasure. Yet I knew it would be hollow and meaningless, no doubt I would come out of it feeling worse than before. I pulled my hand back and walked away.

Making my way back toward the dress shop I noticed a gallery tucked away in an obscure alleyway of the street. I still had time and decided to peruse the artwork. A bell on the door chimed as I walked through, and looking around I noticed the artist’s preferred medium was oils, though there were some watercolor paintings as well. I looked to the back of the shop and saw a separate door half closed. It was the main studio. The door opened, and an older gentleman stepped out to greet me, having heard the bells on the door as I stepped inside.

“Welcome Sir. Are you here to pick up a commission?”

“No, I just happened upon your shop and would like to view your gallery.”

“Oh, very good Sir, I will leave you to view in peace. Please come and get me if you are in need of assistance, I will just be beyond this door, in my studio.”

With that he returned through the door, to continue working I presumed.

The paintings were all similar in style; it seemed he favored fantastical romantic landscapes and scenes. I was impressed and although I did not care for that particular subject matter I wondered why I had never heard of the gentleman before. I rounded the final corner; so far nothing had captured my interest enough to add it to the Pemberley collection. It was then, when I looked ahead, that I saw it. I could not help but gasp.

There, in front of me, was a lush meadow filled with lavender, a beautiful wood nymph standing in the center. It was not only the uncanny resemblance to my meadow at Pemberley, but the wood nymph was in every way Isabella. The woman’s face was turned to the right and thus obscured, but her body shape and hair was exactly how I saw her in my dreams. I studied it closer and realized she was wearing a white gossamer gown cropped at the knees, a ring of flowers in her hair. I could barley contain myself, it was just too much.

Though it was perhaps a bit hasty, I decided I must have this portrait. Though the resemblance was not exact I would not allow another soul to look upon what I dreamed of each night. I bought the portrait on the spot and the gentleman was very please. He would arrange to have it delivered to my town home, where I would hang it in my private chambers.

I hurried to the dress makers knowing Alice was finished. She was waiting for me, but to my relief she had not been waiting long.

“So, brother, care to share what kept you?” She smirked knowing I would not divulge her present before Christmas.

“You know very well you will have to wait until Christmas, just like all the years past.” I grinned and her lips moved into a petulant pout.

“Not even the pout will succeed Alice.” I teased

“Oh very well, “she smiled as I handed her into the carriage.

~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~

Christmas came and went, along with a new year. As I expected, Alice loved my gift for her, she said she would treasure it always. She loved that she could carry a part of our mother with her, since she had no memories to reflect on. Jasper joined us for Christmas dinner, and I had a visit from Emmett. He seemed to be improving ever so slightly and I hoped he would continue to do so.

On a cold February morning Alice joined me, though it was not her usual routine, and I was stunned by her question.

“Will you travel to Kent to see our Aunt for Easter?”

We rarely spoke of Aunt Irena, she was a difficult old bat for the even the most devout person to handle.

“I expect Jasper and I will hear from her soon. We travel every year, as you know. Why, is something amiss?”

Alice looked down and was quiet, almost apprehensive.

I took her hand in an attempt to calm her. “Whatever it is, please tell me, Alice.”

“I received a letter from her recently. Though that is not uncommon, she was more direct in her reproofs of proper manners and my music education. I know she means well but Edward, I truly resent her remarks sometimes. They make me feel inadequate, and a failure.”

She finally looked up with tears swimming in her eyes and I drew her to me.

“Alice, you know our Aunt talks a great deal and is very difficult on even myself some days. Know this; the only person that should be concerned with your upbringing is Jasper and myself, and we have never found anything lacking.”

She enveloped me in a tight hug. “Thank you, Edward. You always know just what to say to alleviate my fears and bring a smile to my face.”

Why could I not do the same for Isabella? I thought bitterly.

“I understand Mr. McCarty will not be returning to Hertfordshire. Was he displeased with the estate?

“Who told you this, Alice? I have heard nothing of his plans.”

“Oh, Tanya informed me in her last letter.”

“You know better than to believe anything that woman writes. I would ask you to just burn all her letters upon arrival. There is no reason for you to waste your time with her nonsense.”

She giggled. “Tanya has always grated on your nerves, hasn’t she. Thank heaven, for I could not stomach her as a sister.”

“Speaking of which, I would love to meet this Isabella Swan someday, Edward. I know you did not part on the best of terms, but I feel I will meet her one day.”

I sighed, not wanting to inform her of Isabella’s current engagement. It was still too painful for me to think about, much less speak the words out loud.

“I hope so too, my dear. It would be nice to see Miss Isabella again.”

Images of Isabella and Alice together at Pemberley invaded my dreams that night. The two of them laughing and huddled together reading and discussing poetry. Oh how Alice would adore Isabella. It was easy to create happiness in my dreams. It was when I was awake that the reality crept in.

February quickly faded and March was quickly approaching when I received a letter from my aunt.

Dearest nephew,

I look forward to your upcoming visit with great anticipation, as does your cousin Kate. Her health has improved much this winter, which I am certain you will notice. I had hoped to introduce Mr. Newton and his new wife, whom I understand you have already met in Hertfordshire. I was disappointed not to be the first to make introductions. I expect to see you and Col Whitlock a week prior to the Easter holiday.

Till then,

Lady Irena Denali

My hand was shaking uncontrollably by the end of the letter. I felt physically ill at the thought of Isabella already married to that pompous ass. I had to force away the thoughts entering my mind. He would have the right to hold her hand and kiss her, and heaven forbid even…

No!

That was too much; I would certainly destroy everything in my study if I allowed my mind to venture down that path.

All the women I had tried to see had merely failed to live up to my perfect woman. I was filled by Isabella Swan, and I knew now it would always be this way. No woman could ever compare to her and I would have to live with that knowledge. Any woman I married would simply be second to her in every way.