Duty and Desire chapter 20: Healing

I do not own Twilight or Pride and Prejudice.





Memories- Within Temptation

“Made me promise I'd try
To find my way back in this life.
I hope there is a way
To give me a sign you're ok.
Reminds me again it's worth it all
So I can go home.”

After a rather long silence, Jasper could only shake his head incredulously.

“Edward, are you telling me that you made an offer of marriage to Miss Isabella? And that she refused you?”

“Yes,” I moaned, as the weight of what he said made my heart break once more.

“I suppose your timing wasn’t the best; she seemed to be in very low spirits when we parted.”

I began laughing, but it sounded more like a cough.

“Ah, yes, your assistance. Though it is no fault of yours, you happened to inform Isabella that I had separated her sister from Mr. McCarty.”

Jasper's eye’s widened as he realized the severity of what I had done.

“Oh, Edward, I am deeply sorry, but that would explain why she suddenly took ill that day.” He did truly look sorry. Though he had no reason to be, the fault was entirely mine.

“I know my friend, but the fault lies with me. I went to her so sure of her feelings. I expected to propose and that she would accept me. I couldn’t have been more wrong.”

I rubbed my temples as I went back and thought through our encounter. Her words once again pierced me in a most painful way.

“I will confess I was surprised by your proposal. I expected an offer of a very different nature. I expected by your continued behavior that you wanted nothing more from me than to be your distraction, or worse, your mistress.”

“And those are the words of a gentleman? You are mistaken, Mr. Masen. The mode of your declaration merely spared me any concern in refusing you had you behaved in a more gentlemanly manner.”

“I suppose I owe you an explanation but I am not sure I am able to form the words.”

“Edward, it is Alice you owe an explanation to. Do you not realize that she blames herself for your current state? She believes she disappointed you somehow.”

This caught my attention immediately. “What? Why? She has never disappointed me.”

“Yes, I know Edward, but does she know this?”

I groaned into my hands, my head was splitting; this conversation was going from bad to worse.

“That can wait until later.” His eyes bore into mine, “Right now I need you to tell me what happened to you and Miss Isabella that would plunge you into such dangerous and destructive behavior.”

Closing my eyes, I thought of where best to begin.

“After I found out she was ill, I went in search of her immediately. I was set on asking her to marry me…”

I drew a slow breath before continuing.

“I explained my reservations to the match, the struggles I had gone through before deciding to pursue her. How I had come to love her completely…”

I dropped my head, and rubbed my temples, willing the pain away.

“I just don’t understand, I really thought she felt the same. How could I have been so wrong?”

Jasper stared at me with an incredulous stare and then finally, he began to laugh.

“I am glad you are able to find humor in my suffering.” I murmured.

“Edward, only you would try to propose to a girl by informing her of just how unsuitable she was before telling her you loved her.”

What? Had I really done that? Isabella words once again came to my mind.

“I am sure the feelings, which as you said hindered your regard, will help you in overcoming it.”

“However, I have always sworn I would only marry for love. Why would I marry a man who can barely justify his reasons for wanting me in the first place?”

Oh, Lord… I had…

“You’re not helping,” I mumbled completely ashamed.

His expression softened.

“In all honesty, I have never seen you like this, Edward. Not even after your Mother or Father passed away. I do not doubt your sincerity; I believe you truly love this woman. The question is why did she reject you?”

“The list is rather long, are you sure you have enough time?”

His brow furrowed as if he thought I jested.

“Besides the fact that I ruined her sister’s happiness forever... I am a proud, conceited, disagreeable man, who wants everyone to be as miserable as I am. I use and abuse people at my will, with no thought to the feelings of others.” I exhaled defeated, her reproofs were harsh and had stung considerably, but my actions had led to those conclusions. It was ironic really that everything I had done to protect my sister and Isabella from Wickham would end up coming back to haunt me.

I continued, my words laced with bitterness. “In the eyes of Isabella, I am an unfeeling monster who has ruined Wickham’s life.”

Jasper hissed as he exhaled sharply. “Wickham! What has he to do with this?”

“Everything, well not everything, but the bastard was telling Isabella I had cheated him out of his inheritance, and separated him from Alice. He poisoned her mind against me. I never had a chance.”

“What?!” He roared. “He has the gall to spread falsehoods about you and Alice after what he did?” His eyes were colder than I had ever seen them.

I had heard many times that Jasper had a calm collective to his emotions on the battlefield. Something that the other officers respected, it made him a terrifying opponent. I was sure that if Wickham was within a mile of here, he would be dead.

“Trust me, my friend; I thought I had taken care of the situation. Now I fear I only gave him more reason to spread his lies.”

“That does not excuse what he has done.” His anger far from abated.

“No, Jasper, it doesn’t, but there is little I can do at this point. I will not expose him, bringing Alice’s reputation into question. Though if I ever have the good fortune to meet with him again, I will not hesitate to finish what I should have months ago.”

The cold fury in Jasper's eyes began to ebb but I could sense this was not the last we would speak of this. Jasper was loyal to his family and this crossed the line. Wickham would pay dearly if he had any say in the matter.

“What will you do now?”

“I honestly don’t know. I will never love another like I love Isabella but she despises me. I fear my only course, at present, is to make restitution to those I have wronged, starting with Alice.”

Jasper smiled, though it was measured. “I think that is a good plan, but would be best after you have sobered...and," he sniffed the air before adding, “…had a bath.”

I looked at my appearance, glancing down at my clothing, rumpled and stained. I didn’t have a mirror, but could only imagine the frightful state of my hair and face. I rubbed my cheeks and felt stubble that was well over a week gone. I am sure I looked positively wild.

I could only imagine the horrible criticism my appearance would illicit from the Harpy. I started laughing, it hurt my head but I was unable to stop. The irony was too great.

Jasper looked a little relived, “and now it is my turn to ask, what you find so humorous, though if it has to do with your appearance I will have to agree.”

“A passing thought, but have no fear I will bathe, dress and talk with Alice. The bath will give me time to reflect on how to make amends.”

Jasper placed his hand gently on my shoulder, “You are a good man, Edward, perhaps you were given too much responsibility at such a young age, but you have always been a good man.”

I only nodded; the emotions were threatening to break through. It was time like these that I could feel my father’s presence, and longed for his counsel.

~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~

After a much needed bath and fresh clothing, I went in search of Alice.

I found her in the music room. I stopped outside the door to listen, as she played our father's favorite. The melody was the same but the feeling was different. There was an undercurrent of sadness in the notes, the once pleasant melody was now laced with sorrow and uncertainty.

I had caused this. My selfishness had hurt those I cared for the most.

I walked into the room slowly, not wanting to startle her. I placed my hand on her shoulder, and the playing stopped immediately. Alice turned slowly, her face fixed on the floor. I gently raised her chin.

“Come with me, Alice. I believe I owe you an apology, as well as an explanation.”

She nodded and stood following me over to the sofa.

“Alice," I swallowed hard trying to keep my emotions in check. "I want to beg your forgiveness. You did not deserve the treatment you have received at my hands as of late. I am ashamed of my actions and how they have hurt you.”

She placed her hand tentatively on my cheek. “Edward, there is nothing to forgive, especially after you forgave my indiscretion.”

She dropped her head slightly in an effort to hide the tears that were falling softly down her cheeks.

“What do you mean your indiscretion, Alice? Surely you do not blame yourself for what that...that…bastard tried to do to you?”

She nodded and burst into tears.

I pulled her to me and held her as she wept into my coat. We sat there for a time; I held her, attempting to calm her.

Finally, she quieted and I attempted to broach the subject once more, but Alice spoke first.

“I cannot help but think I must have done something to lead him to believe I wanted him. How could he otherwise have been so mistaken? I cannot believe anyone could be so purposefully malicious.”

I held her face and stroked the tears away with my thumbs.

“Alice, James attempted to extort money from me more times than I can count.”

She gasped, shocked.

“I know, dearest, I never thought he would stoop so low as to attempt what he did simply for money. But I have a feeling there was more to it. I am sorry I have not been as forth coming with you about my past with James. But I felt it was better left in the past.”

“Edward, I am no longer a child.”

“I know, Alice, but Father left you in my charge.” I felt the tears threatening to fall. "He placed the responsibility of your happiness and well being in my hands and...I failed him…utterly."

I choked out, "I will never forgive myself."

She shook her head sadly.

“No, Edward, you and Jasper are my guardians, it was the circumstances and my choices that led to what happened. If you had not cared enough to come check on me..." She trailed off unable to finish.

"Don't, Alice, do not even think it. It’s in the past, let us leave it there."

"But Edward, how can I leave it in the past when clearly you can't either? As brother and sister we must rely on one another. So enough about me, I would like to be there for you now, as you were there for me.” Her eyes were pleading.

“Please tell me what caused you to become so despondent.”

I looked at my sister, who had always been a little girl in my eyes and now I saw a woman. I cursed Wickham for forcing her too soon to know the harsh realities of this life. But as I looked closer, I saw a new confidence that was not there before. I had always had her trust and now she was asking the same of me.

I took a deep breath, “Her name is Miss Isabella Swan, and I love her more than my own life.”

She smiled brightly; she probably assumed I would never marry. “Will I get to meet her soon? I should dearly like to make Miss Isabella’s acquaintance.”

I shook my head sadly, “Ah, my dear, but I am afraid this tale does not have a happy ending.”

Her brows knit together ever so slightly.

I paused, trying to form the words to best explain what had happened.

“Through a series of circumstances, many of my own doing, Miss Isabella came to have a rather poor opinion of my character.”

“You mean she dislikes you?”

“Utterly.” I admitted.

“Your arrogance, conceit, and selfish disdain of the feelings of others.”

“I had not known you for a month, before I was convinced you were the last man in the world whom I could ever be prevailed upon to marry.”

“But that makes no sense, Edward. You have always been a kind generous man who thinks of everyone but himself. No! She must have been mistaken.”

I groaned internally, this was not going as planned. I really had no desire to impart all the painful details of the past month. It was too much and I was emotionally spent.

“No dearest, I am afraid she formed her opinion from many different sources.”

She sat there patiently, and I realized she would not let me get away. We sat there in the music room for the better part of an hour. I told her what happened in Hertfordshire, as well as Kent. She listened intently, allowing me to finish without interruption.

"So you see, I ruined everything with my pride." I was ashamed and all my emotions felt raw.

She looked at me thoughtfully before answering.

"What do you plan to do about it?" She asked, as if the solution was simple.

"I don't know, Alice; time I suppose is what I need."

She placed her finger on her cheek, and had a thoughtful look in her eye. I knew that look. "I have a feeling you should go see Mr. McCarty."

I smiled, "Yes, I was planning on meeting him later at the club."

"Excellent! I am glad to see you smile. Never do that to me again, Edward." Though her tone was teasing, I could see the pain I had caused her.

I leaned forward and kissed her cheek. "I promise, Alice."

~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~

I felt stifled as I made my way through the club, it had been awhile since I had been in company. I approached the table where Emmett sat waiting for me. His back was to me, but his shoulders looked slumped.

"Emmett,” I addressed him with as much enthusiasm as I could muster.

"Edward," he greeted me enthusiastically. I felt some hope that maybe he was happy after all.

"It’s been a long time my friend; where have you kept yourself hidden these past months?"

"I was visiting my Aunt in Kent, and then returned to London."

He smiled, but it wasn't the same. "I'm glad to hear it."

I nodded, but really couldn’t think of anything else to say. It was awkward.

"It’s been damn dull around here, so you really haven't missed anything."

"Have you been to the theater? Or are you just making the rounds at the usual clubs?"

He took a drink from his glass, before responding.

"I'm not sure why, but I haven't fell like doing much of anything. I had hoped by this time I would be..."

He trailed off, but it was too late. I knew exactly what he inferred and it cut me deeply.

I had hurt him, and now had no clue how to fix things. I could tell him everything, but I doubted Miss Swan's opinion of my friend would be very friendly after the way things were left. I wasn't sure how much of our conversation Isabella would impart to her, but I doubted she would let her sister within a fifty mile radius of my friend.

We sat quietly for a time, I was desperately thinking of anything that could brighten his mood.

"Emmett, would you like to accompany Alice and me to Pemberley? We leave in a few weeks and I would be honored to have you as my guest."

I knew I would have to tell him about my part in separating him and Miss Swan but I couldn't face his ire right now.

"I am supposed to escort Tanya and Lauren up to Scarborough. Mr. Crowley will be joining us later."

This proved to complicate things immensely.

He sighed and looked even more defeated. "Thank you for the offer, Edward."

I needed to make restitution, even though I was too much of a coward to tell him the whole sorted tale. I knew that it would enrage him to no end when he found out the details behind what Royce King had done, not to mention the guilt that would bring for his treatment of her.

I promised myself I would make it up to my friend. I swallowed, Lord I can't believe I was really going to say this.

"Emmett," I swallowed the bile that was creeping up my throat. "You may extend the invitation to your sisters, I would be...happy to have them as my guests as well."

"You mean it?" He asked curiously, "Edward, I know you can't stand Tanya."

"Yes, but you are my friend; I am willing to have her in my home, if that is what it takes." It was unbearable, but I was able to will myself not to break into a cold sweat at the thought of The Harpy in my home.

"You areserious," his expression was one of shock. "Very well, I will ask Tanya and Lauren if they will be amenable to breaking the trip at Pemberley for a few weeks before we head onto Scarborough."

He looked at and smiled, "Although I can safely say nothing short of the death would keep Tanya from seeing Pemberley."

I groaned audibly, and Emmett laughed heartily.

I may have to suffer in those weeks but to see my friend laugh and smile was worth whatever discomfort having her in my home would bring. It was a large home and I could avoid her easily.

We parted and I felt things were going to be okay. I promised to send him a message as soon as possible with the details of our departure. He, in return, promised to write and let me know if the ladies were willing to make the change in their plans.

Lord have mercy on me.

~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~

The sun was high as I tried to adjust my eyes. I looked around at where I was. I was in Derbyshire, near my home. The familiar landscape was comforting as I looked at the rocks and mountains I called home.

I was nearing a favorite overlook of mine, when I spotted someone standing on the cliff in the distance. The wind was whipping wildly at her dress, the fabric swayed helplessly in its wake. Her hair was sweeping across her face as she continued to look out toward the valley. Her arms were still at her sides. I wanted to get closer to see who this person was, but I couldn't move.

I continued to watch her as she just stood there, unmoving. Finally, I found the will to approach her.

When I was with in reach, I stretched out my arm to touch her but before my hands could connect with her, she disappeared.

As she faded she turned her head slightly reviling those familiar features that haunted my dreams, it was Isabella and I swore there were tears on her face.

I awoke in a cold sweat. I had not had a nightmare in several weeks and it unsettled me. I intended to depart for Pemberley today; my journey would take me past that same cliff side.

We breakfasted, and I oversaw the final loading of the carriages. In an effort to assist in whatever way he could, Emmett offered to take the ladies separate and meet us at the Inn where we would break for lunch and change horses. I shuddered again at the thought of Tanya's excitement over her invitation to my home. When Emmett's letter had come he tried to calmly describe the grave I had now dug for myself.

She misinterpreted it as an invitation to something more with me, no matter the amount of times Emmett explained to her that she was merely a guest she would not listen. Alice had been surprisingly unaffected by the news, she was proud of me for doing what I needed to make my friend happy and promised to head her off when necessary. I still feel a cold feeling a dread in the pit of my stomach. I would be sure to lock my bedroom door each night.

We set off; I sat in the carriage with Alice to keep her company. She rested her head on my shoulder, and I looked out the window. Alice soon drifted to sleep and as she rested, I contemplated everything that had happened since Hertfordshire.

I longed to be able to talk to my father.

I longed to ask for Isabella's forgiveness.

Regret was a harsh mistress.

We were approaching the Inn and I saw Emmett's carriage out front. I was surprised that they had made good time. I didn't think it would be possible for Emmett to leave London 'til well after mid-morning.

The carriage came to a stop, and I roused Alice who woke easily.

"Have we arrived already?" She asked sleepily.

"Yes, you looked so peaceful; I didn't have the heart to wake you. Come, let’s get you some lunch."

She smiled, and I helped her from the carriage.

We stepped into the Inn and were immediately assaulted by an overwhelming odor.

The Harpy.

"Edward!" She shrieked, finally. "We have been so worried."

I looked at Emmett, who was suppressing a chuckle. I looked around at the establishment, curious eyes were looking in our direction. I was well known at this Inn, as I broke my journeys here when traveling to and from Pemberley. I could not have any rumors or confusion where Tanya was concerned.

"Excuse us, Miss McCarty, I would ask you again to address me as Mr. Masen. My sister and I require food after our journey; please excuse us.

I walked by Emmett, whispering. "Please control her, it would not due for rumors to start spreading because of her lack of decorum."

He smiled a small smile, "I will try but you know how she is."

I nodded and went to seat Alice.

"Edward, my carriage had a bit of trouble, and I fear it will be several hours before it will be fit for travel."

"Mr. Masen?" I turned to find the old innkeeper with a letter in his hand. "A letter arrived this morning, sir."

I took the letter, thanked him, and looked back at Emmett. "Give me a moment to read this and we will figure out what is best to be done."

I sat down and began reading the letter, which was from my Steward. Apparently, there was a problem on the estate which required my attention immediately.

I could arrange for Emmett to escort my sister in the morning after repairs had been made to the carriage. It would enable me to ride ahead on Blackjack resolving the matter before my guests arrived.

As I went through the plan in my head, Alice interrupted me.

"Edward, what did the letter say?"

"There is a problem on the estate that requires my immediate attention. Would you be willing to stay until the McCarty's carriage is repaired?"

"Of course, Edward, would that be in the morning?"

"Yes, Mr. McCarty will ride with you. I would not leave you to spend hours inside a carriage with his sisters."

She mouthed a thank you.

I went in search of Emmett who was outside.

"Emmett...” the Harpy whined, “Why must you be so cruel? You are not helping my chances, brother." I shuddered at her meaning.

"Tanya, we have been through this. Mr. Masen has no interest in you, please stop embarrassing my friend. He was gracious to invite you to his home."

I made my presence known, The Harpy colored and Emmett shook his head at my timing.

"Emmett, it appears there is a matter of urgent business that requires me at Pemberley this afternoon. I have spoken to Alice and am asking if you would escort her to Pemberley in the morning. You will ride in my carriage, along with her maid. Will that be agreeable?"

Tanya interrupted, "But Edward,” I blanched at her continued use of my name. “Would not Lauren and I be vastly better company for your sister than my brother?" she said in a simpering voice.

"No, I believe your brother will suit just fine." My tone told her the matter was final.

She huffed and stomped off.

Emmett shook his head laughing, "She will never change; I am so sorry, Edward."

"I understand." Even though I really didn’t, how could a woman be so persistent after receiving no encouragement?

"I would be honored, Edward, to escort your sister home. We will see you tomorrow, safe travels."

I shook his hand and went in search of Blackjack.

~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~

I rode the familiar road at a steady pace. It wasn't far now 'til I would be at Pemberley.

I passed the same cliff from my dream. It was unsettling to think of Isabella being so near to my home. I thought of stopping, but knew I need to move on. It would do no good to dwell on a past I couldn't change.

All I could hope for was that she had read my letter and that it had softened her hatred of me. I could also correct those errors she had brought to my attention and try to make myself worthy of her.

I entered the edge of the Pemberley estate, I would know these woods anywhere. The summer cast it in a brilliant green, the recent rains had given the grass a lush color. I looked ahead and saw the house in view; I was almost home. Truthfully, I was happy to be home. I felt the first true feeling of peace in months.

The day had grown warm and I was excessively hot and tired. The lake on the edge of the property beckoned me. Deciding I had time to swim, I maneuvered Blackjack toward the shore. I dismounted and left him to graze.

I walked to the edge of the lake and looked out at the water. It was clear with no wake upon the surface. Memories from childhood flooded my mind. It was here my Father taught me to fish. He loved the simple beauty of nature. How fragile and dependent it was on those things around it. I sat on the grass and removed my jacket and vest, before pulling off my boots and stockings. I reached up to my neck and began loosening my neck cloth, after untangling it, I opened my shirt exposing my chest. Though warm, the air felt good upon my bare skin. I stood and walked toward the water, stepping in to test the temperature. I was pleased with how refreshing it felt on my feet. Taking a deep breath, I dove into the water. The chilled water hit my body and I was momentarily taken aback. Righting myself, I reached forward and pulled my arms back propelling myself forward. Looking around I saw the marine life swimming away hastily. If I wasn’t underwater I would have laughed. Soon, I came up for air, the water had cooled my body considerably. Knowing I had little time to spare, I swam back to shore.

My breaches and shirt were soaked and clung to my body, I was just thankful my boots and stockings were dry. I decided to forgo the neck cloth, the state of my shirt would not have allowed it even if I had wished to put it back on.

I remounted Blackjack who seemed put out when I tore him away from the grass he was eating. I soothed him with the promise of oats when we arrived. I approached the stables and slowed Blackjack to a walk. A stable boy noticing his master had returned rush out to assist me.

I dismounted and handed him the reins.

"Sir? We did not expect you until tomorrow. Be sure to take care entering the house, I believe there were visitors viewing the house earlier."

"Oh?" I had no desire to entertain visitors especially in my current state of dress. "I will go in through the back, thank you."

He smiled, and I walked out of the stable toward the back entrance to the house. Walking through my mother’s iris garden, I noticed the flowers were all in full bloom, each a brilliant hue of purple, white and blue. A blanket of ivy lined the outer walls of the garden.

I was about to turn the corner, which would take me to the back entrance, when I heard the unmistakable crunch of gravel.

I froze, the visitors were probably viewing the garden. Perhaps if I backed up and went another way, I could avoid them.

I stood rooted to my spot when a woman rounded the corner. She was looking at the flowers, when she turned her head, her eyes locked with mine.

My world stopped when she whispered,

"Mr. Masen."