Duty and Desire chapter 13: Kent

I do not own Twilight or Pride and Prejudice.






March 1813

“Do you expect this visit to be much the same as in years past?”

If he only knew how very different this visit was going to be, I was sure he would refrain from asking such a question.

“I am sure we will endure the same ridiculously lavish accommodations, the endless innuendo, and food that could kill a man with even the most iron stomach.”

Jasper chuckled before nodding and continuing.

“Do you think she will finally get the hint that you and Kate will never marry? Why do you not simply set her straight?”

Damn if he does not go right for the throat every time.

“Do you think she would simply give up if I were to say, ‘Aunt Irena, I am not, nor have I ever been interested in Kate in any way. Please stop harboring these foolish notions that I will ever marry your daughter.’ You think that will do?”

Jasper shrugged. “If you think she would listen. Though I think she would drop dead if you ever spoke to her that way.”

“I doubt it; the old Bat will live just to spite me.”I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, not really wanting him to continue his questioning.

The landscape was quickly turning into the familiar wooded area that was Kent. I had tried to put all thoughts of Isabella from my mind; no good would come from me dwelling on circumstances I could not change. She was lost, and as much as it made me physically ill to admit, she belonged to Mr. Newton now.

“Edward, do we need to stop? You look positively green around the collar. Are you going to be sick?” Jasper’s tone was sincere; perhaps a little air would do me good. Jasper slid down the window, directing the coachman to pull over at the next available location. It seemed not too long till we came to a stop, and I stumbled from the carriage gasping for air. This would not do. I could not afford for her to have this kind of affect on me. She was married, for heaven’s sake, not just promised. My stomach heaved a bit at the thought and I inhaled slowly, willing the sensation away.

“Are you quite all right Edward? I am becoming concerned; it is not like you to be so unsettled.”

“I must have eaten something that unsettled my stomach. Give me a few moments and I will be ready to travel.”

Lord, it sounded false even to me, yet Jasper seemed to accept it. I paced, putting all thoughts of the impending apocalyptic meeting from my mind. After a few more moments, I was feeling marginally better and we continued on to Kent in silence.

Not much time passed before we arrived at the edge of Rosings. The old trees and wooded area were familiar, as I took to walking and riding in them as much as possible on my visits. Up ahead was the vicarage at Huntsford, and I had to look away. I was not yet ready for that.

“Edward!” Jaspers loud voice echoed inside the carriage.

“The most ridiculous looking man is chasing after the carriage, waving his hat. It looks like his poor legs are trying desperately to keep up with him. And his feet, he is kicking them high enough to be bruising his backside. I give him another ten paces before he falls on his face.”

I looked back to see whom he meant, and was greeted with the sight of Mr. Newton running as if his life depended on it, following after our carriage. I was unable to make out what he was shouting, but I had no desire to stop and converse with the vicar. I picked up my cane and pounded on the ceiling, indicating to the driver to move faster.

I turned to Jasper and replied.

“I am tired and unwell and have no desire to find out what could possibly cause that man to act in such a way.”

“True I wonder who the man is. Lady Irena would have his hide for such a display. I could have sworn he was dressed like a Vicar.”

I shrugged, feigning ignorance; it was easier than the truth.

The carriage pulled into Rosings, where I was greeted by the same pretentious gardens and fountains, unchanged since my Aunt had married Lord Denali. Though the old Bat had once been considered beautiful, her opinions and attitude were far from it. She bordered on the extreme with her tastes and company, preferring rank and class over even blood. She had transformed the once regal and elegant Rosings Park into a monument to everything fashionable and gaudy. Useless furniture lined the rooms, too precious for use. It made the home feel like a tomb.

As we pulled up to the house I noticed several servants waiting at attention at the front steps. It made me angry; who knew how long these poor men had been standing out here dressed in full Rosings livery, waiting to simply open our door. I shook my head and Jasper raised a confused eyebrow.

“Even though they are servants there is no need for them to stand out here, waiting upon our arrival. I would be unsurprised if she positioned them here at first light.”

Jasper chuckled and looked out to where the servants came to life and moved toward our carriage to assist us.

“You would think she thought we were geriatric to send this many men to help.”

“No, Jasper, she is only trying to flaunt her position. Which is ridiculous, because we are well aware of who she is.” I rolled my eyes.

The door swung open and a pair of men assisted us down from the coach.

“I know you would never hear the end of it if you did not wait upon us hand and foot, but I assure you it is not necessary. We can find our way, if you would just direct our men to our chambers with the trunks.” I smiled and the man seemed to almost cry with relief.

“Thank you, sir. We will show your valets to your chambers immediately.” I nodded.

Jasper and I walked about a bit to stretch our legs and clear our heads, before meeting with the old Bat.

~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~

After refreshing ourselves, we were directed into the formal sitting room, where my Aunt was waiting. It was the same routine we endured every visit. As we approached the doors, a pair of servants were there to open them. I steeled myself for the usual comments and advice.

The room looked the same; even the smell was that same sickly antiseptic smell because everything was continually washed and cleaned. It was not that I was against cleanliness, but Lady Irena took it to the extreme.

“Gentlemen, at last! I was afraid your carriage had over-set itself. I expected you hours ago. How are my favorite nephew and my godson?” Her voice was shrill, but gravelly.

“My apologies, Lady Irena; the journey seemed to upset Edward’s constitution and we needed to stop for him to get some air. I assure you, we did not intend on upsetting you.”

Jasper was a master at diffusing tense situations.

“Very well; I would suggest you rest before dinner. But first, you must greet your cousin, Edward. Do you not think she has improved much over the winter?”

I looked at Kate, who was sitting quietly on the sofa, encased in blankets. Her skin looked less waxing than I remembered, perhaps she was getting better. I walked over and took her hand.

“Dear Cousin, you are looking remarkably well. I hope you continue to improve.”

She looked at me with a knowing smile; the show we put on for her mother was one of long standing.

“Thank you, Edward. You have always been so kind.”

Jasper came over and also remarked on how well - recovered she looked.

We all knew that if Lady Irena would allow her out of doors more often, it would improve Kate’s constitution immensely.

“Yes, I dare say if she continues to improve, I will be able to present her at court this summer.”

Kate’s smile fell immediately and she began coughing.

“Carmen, please assist Kate to her chambers. She is in need of rest after all this excitement.”

I looked from the old Bat to Kate, and she winked at me. Clever girl.

“I suppose you will also require some time before dinner. Very well, I expect you at five sharp.”

With that we were dismissed, and both headed for our respective rooms for a hot bath and a change of clothes after our journey.

I stripped and stepped into the copper bath. The water was hot and it went far to soothe my aching muscles. I had not realized how tired I was as of late. My dreams were still occurring; it was there I could, touch and speak to Isabella without the harshness of reality crashing down upon us. I would look into her beautiful eyes, and get lost in the endless love I would see radiating from them. But dreams were just that; dreams, and would disappear as quickly as they came, leaving me once again bereft.

With the help of my valet, I dressed quickly, intending to speak with Kate before dinner. I owed her an apology and wanted to waste no time. I headed toward the library, knowing she would be hiding away from the old Bat.

I entered quickly, as to not rouse suspicion. I saw her tucked away in the corner, reading. This was her sanctuary, where she could feel normal.

“Kate,” I called as I approached her.

“Edward," she smiled. “I am so glad you came to see me. I have missed our conversations, you know.”

“Yes, I know,” I admitted sheepishly. “I have not been a very good friend, Kate.”

She frowned but remained silent.

“I owe you an apology.”

She opened her mouth to protest but I raised my hand to stop her.

“Please let me say this. I have been grossly unfair to you. I know we decided long ago that we would never marry, and choose instead to play along with Lady Irena’s delusions. I look at the situation now and cannot help but think if I had been a good friend, I would have stood up to her and told her there was no way we would marry, thus clearing the way for you and Garrett to finally be together.”

I slumped into the chair; I had hoped the confession would lift the burden I felt. However, it only served to weigh my heart with more guilt. As I spoke the words aloud, I realized just how much of a selfish coward I had been.

Kate grabbed my hand before she spoke.

“Edward, we both know she will not give up until you say ‘I will.’”

She squeezed my hand affectionately.

“I will not have you enter into a loveless marriage simply to release me. I could not bear the guilt of it. Garrett is aware of our plight and is willing to wait for me. I love him and trust him to take care of me when the time comes. My happiness will not be complete until you find that special person.”

Ah, but I had found her, only to lose her.

“Kate, you are a saint. And I not only say that because you continue to release me of all guilt, but because you bear your situation like no other.”

She laughed, causing me to smile. I loved it when I could get her to laugh and smile. Sadly, it happened only rarely.

“I know it will happen for you, Cousin, and when it does, you will be powerless to stop it.”

I smiled and excused myself, her words like sage advice. If only she knew just how powerless I had been. I had acted in ways I found repulsive, surprising and yet I felt more alive than I ever had.

I finally understood what it was like to be in love.

To love another with every fiber of your being, that no matter how unsuitable she was, nor the consequences that came with that decision, Isabella was my other half. As my mother often said, great love came but rarely and usually with a heavy price. Was mine to accept that she belonged to another?

I located Jasper and we both went down for dinner. I was not looking forward to more conversation tonight. Perhaps I could make excuses for being ill.

As if reading my mind Jasper agreed with my thoughts. “Edward, no one would mind if you simply retired early. Truly you look ill.”

Did I really look that bad?

“Are you saying I am not fit to be seen?” I smirked.

Jasper rolled his eyes. “I was simply trying to help spare you an evening of Lady Irena. But if you insist, please. She always favors you anyway.”

“I doubt she will feel that way after I inform her I have no intention of marrying her daughter.”

He looked astonished. “You mean to tell her then?”

“Yes, it is sadly overdue, and I feel it needs to be done. Kate deserves to be happy, and she will never be happy surrounded by the suffocating propriety the old Bat has shoved down her throat.”

“Tread carefully, Edward. You know as well as I she’s had this match in her head since your mother’s death. I highly doubt she will give it up easily.”

“I am well aware of just how much she will balk at the thought of me marrying anyone but Kate. She even tries to throw some death bed promise my mother supposedly made with her, in my face. I was, however, informed of no such promise, and neither was my father.”

I laughed.

“In fact, he told Lady Irena that I was under no such obligation. And if she continued to press the matter he would write in his will that everything would go to Alice on his death, leaving me without a penny.”

Jasper joined me in laughing.

“You never told me that. I could just picture your father saying that to her. He really was the only one that could handle her, wasn't he?”

“I believe it was because he knew that despite rank he was in a position to be her equal. And even though she was my mother’s sister, she never warmed to my father. I think that she secretly harbor resentment that my mother married a man whom she loved, and got everything else as well. While she married a Lord, as was expected, and had mutual regard, but never love.”

“Interesting. I believe that would make anyone bitter. Perhaps she feels she is being practical with the match.”

“Jasper, the only thing she is after is securing her place as mistress of Rosings until her death. See, Lord Denali left everything to Kate, and upon her marriage the old Bat will be consigned to the Dower house.”

“You mean that drafty old house on the south edge of the property?”

“The very one!” I laughed.

“I can see her motivation. That house is in need of more than just repairs; I would think it should be torn down all together. Would she not be happy settling in Bath, or London?”

“She will never willing relinquish control over Rosings, or Kate, for that matter. Although, Kate is of age and free to make her own decisions, but I do not feel she would ever openly oppose her mother like that.”

“And so her happiness rests on you finding a wife?”

“Yes,” I admitted reluctantly.

Jasper nodded, he seemed to understand more than I said aloud. Neither of us wanted loveless marriages.

“Well you certainly have taken your time, haven’t you?”

I glared at him, “Yes and there is no need to rub it in, thank you.”

He let it drop as we were about to enter the sitting room. I took a deep breath and steeled myself for an evening of tedious nothings. We entered and found Lady Irena, Kate and Carmen all seated and awaiting our arrival.

“I trust you are well rested after your journey?”

“Yes, Lady Irena, the accommodations are faultless, as always.”

She smiled, though her face was not quite capable of expressing it beyond a grim line.

“I feel it is my duty to anticipate the needs of my guests. You young men should know that by now. Tell me, did you travel the usual roads, and were they well taken care of? I specifically wrote the man at the changing post with the directive that you be taken care of quickly. These men can take all day unless given the proper motivation.”

I had no desire to know what motivation those men required.

“They were swift and accommodating, I assure you.”

She seemed satisfied for the moment. She turned toward Jasper and began her interrogation of his military career. It was no secret that the old Bat was not happy with Jasper’s choice to become a military man. She felt he could have done better, as a statesman or in the law. As his godmother, she felt this disappointment acutely and was very vocal about her displeasure.

“So, you have achieved the rank of Colonel, have you? I am surprised you stuck to this as long as you have. I thought for sure it was merely a passing phase.”

Jasper, who was as tolerant as he was fierce, merely smiled and responded. “Yes, it seems to suit me quite well, and I find satisfaction in serving my country and my king.”

Her eyes narrowed slightly, “Well, I suppose.”

“So tell me, what will your opinion be when you are sent to France to die for king and country?”

Jasper’s fist tightened behind his back, he was upset but willing himself to calm. It was a low blow, and the old Bat knew it. She smirked evilly.

“There is no greater honor than to die for king and country, especially in the pursuit of freeing those enslaved by a man who holds no more honor than a petty criminal.”

I looked at him, shocked, as Lady Irena audibly gasped. I looked at Kate who was grinning widely. It was not often her mother was rendered speechless.

“Pardon my intrusion, my Lady, but the vicar, his wife, and guest have arrived.”

My blood chilled.

I was not prepared to see her. I couldn’t, I was not strong enough. I could not look into her beautiful eyes and see the light extinguished from them. Oh please god, I prayed, I cannot do this.

I was tense and rigged and Jasper noticed. “Edward, what’s wrong? Are you feeling unwell? Perhaps after this afternoon you should have stayed in bed.”

I only nodded my head in the negative. I had, it seemed, lost my ability to speak.

Mr. Newton entered first followed by… Miss Stanley? Who was followed by Isabella, my Isabella.

As she walked into the room she looked in our direction. Her gaze fell on Jasper and then on myself, where her eyes widened and she seemed surprised to see me here. I would have thought she would have been informed of my visit weeks ago. I continued to look into her eyes, will her to see me, the man, not my position. I could not look away, it was impossible, I could easily get lost in her face, every glace expression, sigh. A beautiful blush grazed her cheeks. I willed her to read my thoughts.

That’s right, Isabella, I know you can feel this, no matter what path fate takes us, I love you. Oh, why did you do it? Why did you sell yourself into a lifetime of dreariness? Please, Isabella, tell me that there is something that can be done. Anything!

Somewhere in the fog of my emotions I heard Lady Irena speak.

“Well, it seems that you have already had the pleasure of an introduction Edward, yet the Colonel has not. Colonel, this is Mr. Newton and his wife Jessica, and her friend Isabella Swan.”

I was shocked; whatever calm facade I had created was beginning to crack. All rational thought was gone. My knees buckled, I only just caught myself before anyone noticed.

She is free? How is this possible!?

I continued to stare into her face; looking for answers to questions I so desperately needed answers to. Though her face told me nothing, I continued to look intently upon her. Lord, she was beautiful.

I felt a sharp nudge in my ribs. “Edward,” Jasper hissed. “What is wrong, man? You look like you have gone into shock.”

I tore my eyes from hers and whispered, “I am in need of air, I will return shortly.”

I turned and practically ran from the room. The hallway seemed forever long; I could not seem to reach the end. Finally I reached the door leading to the gardens. It was sunset and the sculptures were bathed in a rose-colored glow. I inhaled and blew out a slow, measured breath.

She was free, unmarried, single, unattached.

I could pursue her.

Despite all the objections I had leveled against such a marriage, I knew only she could make me happy. I would court her and before leaving Kent, ask her to be my wife.