Duty and Desire chapter 19: Broken

I do not own twilight or Pride and Prejudice




Dreams are often the result of wish fulfillment. I would give anything for my dreams to come true.

Rays of sunlight filtered through slits in the dark curtains in the room, the offending light pierced my eyes. A slight breeze floated through the open windows, causing the drapes to flutter back and forth.

Groaning, I attempted to lift my head, but was unable.

Where am I?

There was a faint buzz in my ears, but I was unable to make it out.

And what is that terrible smell? The putrid stench of sweat and the stale aroma of alcohol permeated the air. With what felt like all the strength I possessed, I slowly opened my eyes. Through my hazy vision, I took in the room’s contents. It was vaguely familiar; however, I was having a hard time placing where I was.

“Been in…for…”

The sounds were becoming more distinct, even though they sounded like I was hearing them from under water.

I lifted my head slowly, discovering the pounding in my skull was intense. Have I been beaten and left for dead?

Once my head was up, I sat in what I concluded was a chair and looked again at my surroundings. I was sitting at a desk, surrounded by several empty bottles and one glass.

I was in my study, in my London home.

But why was I surrounded by several empty liquor bottles?

“Please…talk….worried.”

I looked towards the door, where the voices were coming from. I thought about standing up and going to investigate, however my stomach had other ideas. The thought of moving in any form was nauseating.

A knock came. The sound sent my head pounding.

I looked up to see a grim faced Jasper walk through and shut the door quietly.

He carried a tray, and from what I could tell, it had what I hoped was coffee.

“Edward.” He acknowledged.

I was confused. Why is Jasper here? At this hour? I was still trying to figure out why I fell asleep in my study.

“Jasper, why are you here? I told you I would explain when I returned to London, but I didn’t mean the next day.”

Jasper gasped. “Edward, what do you mean, ‘the next day?’”

“I meantI would contact you a few days after returning from Rosings.” This was getting ridiculous and my patience was wearing thin with my massive headache.

“Edward, it’s been a month.” He looked at my with pity; as if I had lost my mind.

A month!

“Pardon? I don’t think I heard you correctly. You said a month?”

“Yes! Dammit, Edward, I was here last night. Do you not remember anything?”

Last night?

“I can see that you don’t.” He continued. “I suggest you sip on this and attempt to clear you head. I will be back within an hour. You have a sister who needs to be calmed down who is in hysterics over your recent behavior.”

That got my immediate attention.

“Alice? What’s wrong? What happened?”

“You, Edward! You returned from Rosings a completely different person. In the past several weeks you have managed to terrify your sister and make an absolute ass of yourself. Drink this, clear your head, then, we will have a serious discussion when I return.”

He turned and walked straight for the door, not pausing once to see my reaction. If he did he would have seen my absolute stunned expression.

I picked up the steaming cup, inhaling the aroma, before tasting.

Ugh, it was absolutely disgusting.

No doubt, it was one of Jasper’s many concoctions for ridding oneself of a hangover. It seemed years of wisdom were passed down the ranks. It would not do for a soldier to show up to battle inebriated or suffering the effects of too much libation.

The vile liquid slid down my throat, burning as it made its way down. I fought every urge to regurgitate the awful stuff.

After a time my head began clearing and the pounding eased some. I tried to think about what had happened. However, thinking only brought back to pounding in my temples.

I tried to think of the last memory I had after Rosings.

Rosings…Isabella…

“No…what have I done?” I whimpered, as a stream of memories flooded my mind.

~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~

I arrived in London at record pace. I had stopped just long enough to water feed and properly rest Blackjack. Had I not been so desperate to put as much distance between us, I would never have dreamed of putting so much strain on my horse.

I entered my town home and went straight to my chambers.

Reaching for the bottle of brandy, I immediately threw back a full glass. The amber liquid burned, but the soothing numbness it brought was welcomed.

My valet and servants came and went, each informing me of visitors wishing to speak with me.

All were turned away. I had no desire for company.

I even denied Alice admittance, something I had never done.

In one of my more lucid moments, I sent a message to Jasper, informing him that I was not able to speak with him at this time. It turned out that he was to report to the Major general and would be gone for several weeks. I would be spared the horrid pain that would accompany the discussion I owed him.

I awoke and found the liquor store in my private stock had been exhausted; I would need to venture out.

I decided I needed to get out for a time. The fresh air would no doubt do me good.

I bathed and dressed for the first time in... I was unsure how long.

My time outside was unhelpful. As I walked through the park, I was greeted with the site of happy couples, and children. Everything I desperately wanted, and now would never have.

I returned even more desperate than when I had left.

It seemed like I was suffocating. I had not even felt this way when my father or mother had passed. The pain was just too much.

I stepped into the house, only to be met by a very concerned Alice.

“Edward, finally. Why have you been hiding? Were you ill?”

I shook my head; I could not even bear to speak to her.

I continued walking, without so much as looking in her direction.

I locked myself away in my chambers.

Glass in hand; I sat on my window ledge, watching as the sun slowly dipped below the horizon. Though it was cold near the glass, the comfort from the brandy warmed my body. The moon began to rise and I was bathed with its light.

I awoke folded in an uncomfortable position in front of the window, I suppose I had not even bothered to move. Feeling tried and sluggish, I decided I needed exercise. It had been a long time since I had visited the fencing house.

Upon arriving, I was confused by the incredulous stares I was attracting. Why were people looking at me as I were a stranger that did not belong?

“Sir?” I turned to see the master.

I turned and saw master Giovanni, looking at me as if he did not even know me.

“I apologize for the length of time between visits, I was tied up with…business.” I managed to push the bile that was threading to come forth with such a lie.

“Very well, Mr. Masen, but you do not look well. Are you sure you able to exert yourself today?”

I became irritated with the man questioning me.

“I would not be here if that was not the case,” I snapped before I realized what a horrible thing that was to say. “I am sorry, master Giovanni; I have been under a lot of stress and just need to unwind.”

“Very well.” He conceded, but I could tell he was not happy.

We begun and I threw myself into the movements. The exercise was beneficial, for it distracted me from thoughts of Isabella.

I wondered if she had read the letter. What she thought of my conduct toward Wickham.

Wickham!

I was barely able to think straight when my thoughts turned to him. The utter rage and fury consumed me. What he had done was unconscionable.

I was unsure if my sword was enough. I would choke the life out of him with my bare hands. Watch the light leave his eyes with satisfaction.

“Sir…Sir…SIR! I yield to you.”

I stopped, snapped out of my concentration.

Master Giovanni was looking at me with a flushed expression and a look of alarm, my foil inches away from his neck. Stepping back quickly, I dropped the foil to my side.

Looking around, I noticed several people had gathered to watch. I was not used to having spectators.

The stares made me uncomfortable.

Finally regaining his composure, master Giovanni cleared his throat. “Mr. Masen, It has been a very long time since I have yielded to anyone. That was some masterful fencing. What ignited such a display from you today?”

Groaning, I shook my head in confusion.

“I apologize, sir. I have been out of sorts lately.”

The master shook his head, “I am simply amazed- and you have no reason to apologize.”

I had no desire to discuss the real reason for my amazing win.

“Thank you, sir.”

I bowed and left before I could embarrass myself further.

It seemed I was unable to function in any aspect of normal society without making a fool of myself.

Leaving the club, I opted to walk. Walking was safe.

The sun slowly moved along the sky. I had no concept of where I was going. All I knew was the journey would pass time. Time was all I had; there was no purpose to it anymore.

Eventually, the sun dipped below the skyline. I hailed a cab, something I rarely, if ever, did. The coach was filthy and disgusting.

“Where to, guv’ner?”

I gave the cabbie my address, to which he whistled a low whistle.

“Rich area, that. You get lost?”

It was then I looked, really looked, at my surroundings. I had no clue where I was.

“Where am I?” I asked, embarrassed that I could find myself in this situation.

“Cheapside, sir.”

I was miles away from my home, in the dark, in what looked to be a downtrodden area.

I rubbed my face in frustration at myself. “Thank you. Can you please take me home?”

“Aye, guv’ner, right away.”

The ride was quick, compared with how long it had taken me to get lost.

I paid the man probably more than he made in a month, but I didn’t care. He was extremely pleased.

The house was dark; no doubt everyone was in bed for the night, with the exception of a few servants. I sighed, pulling my key from my pocket. The lock was old, but I had never had trouble before- until tonight.

I was exhausted, yet I did not want to wake the whole house.

Slumping down on the step, I laid my head against the door.

Soon my lids grew heavy, and I drifted to sleep.

Suddenly, I was being moved, though where to or why, I was unsure. I looked down to see my feet were shuffling along. But how? I blinked several times, trying to rid the sleep from my eyes.

I soon realized that my valet had his arm slung around me and was practically carrying me upstairs to my bedroom. I tried to make an effort to ease his burden, but it seemed my legs were not cooperating. We reached my chambers, and I was stripped and put in bed. I was unable to thank him; he disappeared as quickly as he came.

I closed my eyes and drifted once again.

Upon waking, the first thing I noticed was a horrible and foul stench. The room reeked of sweat and stale liquor.

I sat at the edge of the bed trying to clear my head before attempting to stand.

On unsteady legs, I made my way to my dressing room. I did not even bother with the mirror; I had no desire to look at myself.

I waited while the servants filled the bath.

While the servants filled the bath, I surveyed the room, counted bath linens- anything to distract myself.

Once the water was ready, I stepped in, expecting a soothing hot bath.

The water was hot, but that was not the reason I felt my stomach tie into knots. There, in front of me, was the wood nymph I had purchased, hanging from a delicate chain on the wall.

She stared at me, taunting me with her smile.

I completely submerged myself in the water, half thinking that drowning would not be a bad fate at this moment.

I resurfaced, hoping the offending picture would have disappeared. However, it was not to be.

I looked at the painting. Really looked. Thought there was a likeness, it was not Isabella. Though close enough to cause my imagination to run wild.

Enough!

This needed to stop. I was becoming someone I loathed and hated.

I was disgusted with what I was doing to myself and those I loved.

Isabella did not love me, nor would she ever.

As she had so plainly stated.

Perhaps I was lonely. Perhaps I needed companionship.

I was willing to do anything to rid myself of the haunting visions my mind conjured at every thought of her.

I looked at the picture again, taunting me with those eyes, those swells of flesh peeking out in places sure to drive me mad.

I longed to feel her skin under my fingertips, to watch her face as I brought her to ecstasy.

Had I imagined all those times, when she looked happy?

I would have sworn she responded to my touch.

Perhaps I needed to forget.

Replace her memory with another.

That’s what I would do - I would forget.

While I dressed; a very wary look graced my valet’s face. I knew he was worried for me, but I was set.

I was determined.

I could not go on like this. I was willing to do anything.

Arriving at a familiar door, I paused to gather my thoughts and perhaps my resolve. I had not been here for years… but why should I deny myself?

Isabella has no claim on me, as I had no claim on her. She’d made that perfectly clear.

I knocked with a shaking hand, and waited.

When the door opened, a woman gestured for me to enter.

The first thing I noticed was the heavy scent of French perfume. Her eyes were lined in heavy kohl and thick rouge marked her cheeks. Her overly processed charms were nothing to Isabella’s natural beauty.

“Good evening, Sir. Welcome to the Hartcourt house. My name is Madame Valérie. What kind of…entertainment do you require?”

Without thinking I blurted out, “I need to forget.”

She blanched, obviously caught off guard by my candid remark.

“I see…I have just the one for you. Follow me.”

I followed the unmistakable smell of liquor and sex that permeated the air. Sounds of pleasure seeped from the walls.

It was humiliating to think I was reduced to coming here for any form of comfort; surely it should be obvious to me now. I was in hell.

We reached a door almost at the end of the hallway. I looked at the woman, who knocked quietly before opening the door.

The room was lit by several candles, but the woman seated away on the bed was shrouded in shadows.

“This is Cécile. She is very good at… how you say? Oh yes, taking care of your needs.”

The woman rose from the bed and curtsied slightly. It was as if my body and my mind acted apart. I nodded and Madame Valérie smiled before shutting the door behind her.

I turned back toward the woman, suddenly struck with an urge to flea. What am I doing?

I stood still, unable to move forward.

“Sir? This will work best if you join me over here.”

Her voice was low and mesmerizing, her subtle accent made her appear exotic.

The exact opposite of Isabella’s.

This is a mistake. I should have never come here.

I moved toward her, with the intention of thanking her for her time and leaving. But another feeling was gnawing at me. Why should I deny myself? I would go the years devoid of life, never to have that perfect love my parents shared. Why should I be condemned to go through life without the comfort of another?

Even if I found it in such circumstances.

With a measure of conviction I stepped toward the edge of her bed.

The woman was barely so, she was more of a young lady, barely able to fill the corset fitted to her body. A veil hid her face from me. I reached up to lift the veil, when she stopped me.

“Why are you here?”

It was frank and honest, as if she could sense my hesitance.

It was my turn to be honest.

“I need to forget.”

"Je vois, une peine de cœur."

“Pardon?”

It is, oh how you say? A broken heart.”

I nodded, “yes and she wants nothing to do with me.”

“Such a pity, a man such as you. Any woman should consider herself lucky.”

“You are young, handsome, and…” she reached forward, placing her hand on the front of my trousers, “…virile too.” She shook her head. “Such a waste.”

She reached for the veil, lifting it.

“I will make you forget all; you will leave here with all memories of this woman wiped from your mind.”

Long brown hair cascaded from the veil as she pulled it from her head. She looked up and I was shocked. Looking up at me were a pair of large brown eyes, fitted in features that were so eerily familiar I felt the urge to be sick.

Instead, I decided to flee. It was the only way.

I ran out the door, almost running over a gentleman who was leaving just a few doors down.

I ignored the pleas from the woman I had just run from.

I couldn’t think; all I could do was run.

Pausing long enough to leave plenty of money for her trouble, I rushed out the door.

The night air did little to sooth my aching lungs as I took a desperate breath.

I cannot deal with all these feelings.

I had almost done something that went against every moral I had ever set for myself. My father and mother would be appalled and disgusted if they saw what I had become. I had no excuse; I had done it all to myself.

Not wanting to deal with pain, I went into a nearby tavern.

The owner eyed me, confused no doubt, as to why I stood in the doorway looking lost.

“What can I get fer ye?” He called.

“Something strong, very strong.”

He chuckled. “I got lots of that, but yer goin’ to have to be more specific.”

“Scotch and a glass, please.”

“One glass coming up.”

I shook my head. “No sir, I would like your best bottle of scotch and a glass.”

“But, that's nearly ten quid, sir!”

I pulled the money from my pocket and threw it in his direction. “Will that be sufficient?”

Shocked no doubt, he nodded and disappeared, bringing me back a bottle of Irish scotch whiskey, and a glass.

“Enjoy sir.”

I tipped the opened bottle to my nose inhaling; the scent hit and burned my nose.

I filled my glass and emptied the entire contents in one swallow.

The whiskey burned as it hit my throat, but the warmth and numbness it brought was welcomed.

I poured another….

And then another…

Soon my senses were sufficiently numb, and I sat watching the patrons as they went about their lives. No doubt happy.

I had everything.

Money…

Position…

Yet I sat here in this filthy tavern, worse off than the poorest man. For it was then I realized I truly had nothing.

“Sir? I raised my head from the table. “Sir, I am closing up, would you like me to find you transportation home?”

I tried to speak, but it was slurred and unrecognizable. So I nodded instead.

Somehow my bottle of scotch and I made it home. I stumbled up my steps, and knocked loudly, not bothering with a key.

I was greeted by a very concerned housekeeper.

“Sir? Oh, thank heavens; your sister has been beside herself with worry.”

“Edward? Edward! What happened to you? What is going on?”

I waved her off and stumbled toward my study, slamming the door behind me.

I couldn’t deal with her look of disappointment, when she saw how truly broken I was. Alice was still young. I couldn’t destroy any hope of love she still possessed.

I finished the bottle.

Time moved slowly.

Bottles emptied as I attempted to blot out my pain.

Hours turned into days.

Days turned into weeks.

Time slowly bled into an agonizing routine. I would drift through my responsibilities. Doing what little I had to, before retreating to the sanctuary of my study.

Alice tried to talk to me, but I couldn’t bring myself to speak to her.

No one could help me.

So I numbed the pain. It was the only way.

~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~

“Edward.” I looked up to some very concerned blue eyes.

Jasper.

I rubbed my eyes, trying to focus. But the sleep wasn’t lifting.

“Jasper why are you here? It’s the middle of the night.”

“Edward its three in the afternoon, and you are completely drunk. Anything you would care to share with me?”

Three in the afternoon?

“What day is it Jasper?”

“It is April 10th, Edward, and I think it is time for you to tell me why I received a frantic plea from your sister, in which she begged me to come as quickly as possible.”

“I can’t, it hurts too much.” I slurred

Confused, he asked again, “What hurts, Edward?”

“A woman.” I choked out.

“A woman? I am confused Edward, how could a woman possible inflicted this kind of suffering?” He asked confused.

I looked him in the eye, barely managing to respond before passing out.

“Her name is Isabella Swan, and I am the last man she could ever be prevailed upon to marry.”